Thoughts from the 12th Annual World AIDS Day Reading of the Names Vigil

The reading at City Hall takes place from midnight to midnight today, and consists of five podiums in a semi-circle with five people simultaneously reading names. You can read for as short or as long as you want and for people who don’t like the sound of their own voice (me), the good news is that we are all reading different names at the same time.

Here are my thoughts that I scribbled during my four-hour shift at the reading:

First time reading:
*Whose lips have touched this microphone besides mine?
*What if I read names incorrectly and people ask me to stop reading or start laughing at me?
*Maybe I need to read louder to give the people who’ve passed away respect.
*Slow down, think of each person, each life, each meaningful existence. Who were they? What was their life like?
*Listen to the other people reading around me. What are they thinking about? Who are the people that they are naming?
*What if I accidentally skip a name? Will they be remembered? Will their name be spoken aloud before next year’s vigil?
*This is being broadcast live on NPR. I hope the families are not disappointed with the way we’re pronouncing the names.

-When I sat down after the first reading, I realized some of the same names are at different podiums, so if I accidentally skipped a name, someone else would read it.

Second reading:
*I’m more distracted and I keep messing up names.
*I touched my lips to the microphone again. I ended up at the same podium again, so it’s the same microphone.
*This time, I’m trying to take my time, breathe, and read louder.

-And then the rain came. At first, it was gentle:
*My coworker, Eddie was holding an umbrella for one of the women reading. It was time for him to leave (his shift had ended) so I offered to hold the umbrella.
*The wind picked up and the woman kept going. We got soaked, the rain flooding in from every direction.
*I huddled closer, and one of the volunteers handed us another umbrella so I was trying to shield this woman and myself from two directions.
*The wind kept picking up and I wasn’t strong enough to hold the umbrellas.
*I liked huddling next to this woman, watching her read from the list of names. I don’t know her and I may never see her again, but standing under the umbrellas with her in the pouring rain, I felt so close to her and so good.
*When we finally got off the podium, she turned and said, “Thanks” to me. Stupidly, I said, “Thank YOU.”

With an hour left until my shift ends, I’m standing under the tent with other volunteers and employees, protected from the rain. My jeans, shoes, and socks are soaked. But I’m alive and listening to the names and the rain is finally letting up.

tired of the long haul (or maybe just a little sleepy as i try to settle in)

I was lying in my perfect bed, not sleeping, but trying my darndest. The Be Good Tanyas were playing on my CD alarm clock and I was listening to “Midnight Moonlight,” which got me thinking about all the moving around I’ve done in my life. So I drew a map of the U.S. in my journal and made arrows going from place to place. (This doesn’t include summer camps or trips/semesters abroad.) The goal of this visual aid is to help me sort through my scattered brain. (Thank goodness I get to sleep in tomorrow.) I don’t have a scanner, so I’ll try to do it through pictures.

Minneapolis, MN: 0-5

Miami, FL: 5-8

North Palm Beach, FL: 8-16

Interlochen, MI: 16-18

Oberlin, OH: 18-22

San Francisco, CA: 22-26

Again to Minneapolis, MN: 26-27

New York, NY: 27-??

Nope, still not feeling like I can sleep. Maybe I'll turn the lights off again...

Maybe 8 should be my new bed time...

I’m so tired. So, so tired. Today was one of those days where I left my house late, walked five blocks, realized I didn't bring my planner with me, turned around and walked back home, and then started out again.

It’s 8 o'clock and I was planning on revising tonight, but a lot of me wants to get in bed, read, and fall asleep. I might hang out with my friend, Megan tonight, but it’s feeling less likely. The advantage to seeing her tonight is that she likes to drink and we’d probably be out late, which is perfect since I get to sleep in tomorrow. The disadvantage is that I’m so sleepy.

Yesterday I had the day off. More errands happened than any other day since I’ve lived here. I got to cross off everything on my planner. And I got writing done. I went out with Kim to this restaurant called Poetessa. It’s right near my house on 2nd Avenue and as I always am when Kim picks the place, I was skeptical. She goes in for the really fancy places that tend to be overpriced and gimmicky, but this was amazing. I had a potato-encrusted salmon with spinach and mashed potatoes (a lot of potatoes) with a chardonnay. The fish tasted like a potato latke with a hint of fish. It was SO good. I’m still mystified.

Then we went back to Astoria to watch the second to last America’s Next Top Model and look at all of our prospective lovers on the internet. I got home late and woke up early, hence the tiredness. Nothing interesting happened at work today except I found out that my least favorite volunteer is going to be around a lot more. Sigh.

Tomorrow is the real World AIDS Day, as Riva brought to my attention. In the evening, I have to read names at the vigil at City Hall. I get paid to do it, but I’m really not excited about listening to my own voice projected throughout downtown for four hours. I know it’s petty, but that’s what I’m thinking about.


It’s 70 degrees here and the heat is on in my apartment. That’s not making me less sleepy.


My new cereal of choice: Trader Joe’s Organic Morning Lite.
Oh! Kim gave me all this free crap from her workplace including a Lionel Richie album. I’m supposed to re-gift whatever I don’t want, but I’m psyched to rock out to Lionel tonight while I write.
New constant body sensation: since I’ve been drinking so much coffee and tea every day (it’s free at work and then there’s the honeybush at home) my mouth/tongue is perpetually burned. At this point, it’s almost comforting.
Proof that I need to go to bed soon: I just forgot that I had soup on the stove and it boiled over. I could hear something sizzling, but it didn't register at all. Now it's everywhere!

Hop, Skip, Jump

Why, you ask, was today such a great day? Because I'm in New York, silly.

The drilling from last night ended at 3 am. Yep. Today I wore the brown dress that Kimberley and I found at Filene's for eight dollars and it was so comfy, similar to wearing nothing except I had layers over it. I want to live in it.

Aimee came by work and I abandoned my job to hang out (not that anyone at work cares or notices). We had tea and chatted on as though we hadn't seen each other two days before. New friends are so fun!!! And she came bearing gifts, which I should have expected. I am truly, truly disappointed in myself because during the drilling last night, I was thinking of what I wanted to give Aimee, but I was too lazy to leave the air mattress and I met her with empty hands. She gave me another hand-made journal that is so, so beautiful and precious and I'm afraid to use it because it's so perfect. I've been told to get over this.

I spent most of the day researching really cool, obscure art books from other countries. Each book took an average of an hour to learn about, so I felt like I was on a treasure hunt through the internet. The trance I get in while rescuing books from the depths of obscurity is similar to the writing trance (as long as my coworkers are semi-mellow).

After work, I was running, running, running home because the mattress guy called and said he was waiting for me. Guess who I saw again? Peter Dinklage! Right near my home with a tall blonde woman. We made eye-contact (maybe because my coat is bright green) and I felt less nervous this time, but I couldn't say anything because mattress man was waiting.

So now I have a real bed!!!! I'm going to unwrap it from the gigantic plastic wrapper soon. Who knew a mattress could be so exciting?

I'm about to have some tomato and red-pepper Trader Joe's soup and get some writing going. I found out I get tomorrow off because of a change in plans regarding my new hire orientation, which I need to attend. I have so much free time right now. It's adding to the whole I go to summer camp and not work feeling.

my new life suffix: ING

I met another PBGV on the street today. A dog walker was out with her and with a beagle. It was like hound heaven. We bonded over our love of hounds and I realized that both PBGVs I’ve met live on 18th Street.

I bought a bed! Well, I bought a queen-sized mattress. I can’t bring myself to spend a couple extra hundred dollars for the box frame. It’s arriving tomorrow after work and then no more air mattress for me! I don’t want to keep sleeping on the a.m., but I have been sleeping well these past few nights.

I never think I’m old, and I’m not, but I did have a minor freak out at work the other day because some of the high schoolers that volunteer at housing works didn’t know who Hall & Oates are. One of them thought I was talking about cereal. This is Hall & Oates! Even if you wanted to ignore them, how could you not know at least one of their songs?! I never thought I would grow up to be one of those, “Oh my goodness, you’re so young!” adults. Now I’m not so sure.

I’ve been having these fantasies of turning my apartment into a movie theater on the first Tuesday of every month. I was thinking I’d call it “Tuesdays at Gili’s”. I’d pick out a great movie (by my standards) and put all of my valuables in the airshaft. I’d make Rice Krispy treats, serve root beer, and project the movie on one of the walls (which are white and perfect for movie-watching), and charge people three dollars to squeeze into my apartment. It would be one of those fun, obscure things around town. People would say, “There’s nothing else going on, let’s go see what’s playing at Tuesdays at Gili’s.” Maybe I could even have a tiny marquee on the gate of my building. Most likely it would end up being more labor than fun, which is how my fantasy always ends, but it’s the kind of thing I would go to, so I bet there are others who would enjoy it.

Reading helps me revise my work. Right now, I’m in another Alice Munro trance. Every page gives me ideas about how to slow down and get further inside my characters. I’ve been reading a few paragraphs, then revising a little, then reading some more. I’m feeling a lot less discouraged.

On a grander feeling spectrum, there’s something in me that feels like I’m on the cusp of something. I can’t really say more because I don’t know more. Today I realized New York really allows me to be in my element in a way that the Bay Area and Minneapolis never did. I hope this feeling doesn’t wear off, but for now, I’m trying to live it up.

Tomorrow is World AIDS Day, which has new meaning for me because many of my coworkers are positive. I saw a really excellent documentary on PBS about a month ago, which addressed how serious the HIV/AIDS crisis is in the U.S. and how it’s wonderful that we’re focusing our attention on the pandemic in other countries, but we still have an urgent situation in this country. I don’t need to go into detail about how our ambivalence is completely linked to racism and classism, but all of this is on my mind as tomorrow approaches. Before working at my current job, I wasn’t used to being around people who casually speak about how lucky they are to be alive, and how they’ve lost so many friends to the illness and are so sick of attending funerals. It’s good to be reminded that I shouldn’t take life for granted.

[On a lighter note, I’m still not sure about what to do in regard to the blog privacy issue. I’ll keep you posted.]

Newfound treasure: Trader Joe’s Honeybush Herbal Tea (really good with a drop of soy milk)

p.s. I am always bragging about how quiet my apartment is. It's like a fort in the city. Not tonight. It's 12:30 and I was getting ready for bed when all these construction workers showed up. THEY ARE DRILLING A HOLE IN THE STREET RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BUILDING!! So far, it's been twenty minutes of drilling. I just went to check on what was going on and one of my neighbors yelled, "shut up!" at them out her window. I'm not sure what they're digging for. Maybe they found gold. Really, it's unclear why there's this midnight urgency. It's going to be a long night...

censor/ship has sailed...

It's been another great weekend. I've seen Ellen, Aimee (she's a real person), Isaiah, and a few other fabulous friends. There's been catching up, new discoveries around the city, and free furniture from the street. One thing we found is a pink Hello Kitty television that works, so I'm planning on springing for a dvd/vhs player. (I still need a bed, which is on my shopping list this week.)

This weekend, I got to interact with the man who discovered Bob Dylan and with Dylan's ex-girlfriend, who is pictured on his album. They were both kind of snobby. I guess I might be too. It was still exciting for me as a big Dylan fan.

Bigger news is that I'm trying to decide if I should give up on blogging. I've been finding that everything I want to write could be used against me in a court of law. Not really, but I definitely am treading a thin line when it comes to the main thing on my mind: finding someone to share my air mattress with me. I don't know if there's room on my air mattress for my blog, too. So, I'm thinking I may have to kick it to the curb. I'm sad to say goodbye, but I don't want to get myself into trouble.

Reading: The Love of A Good Woman by Alice Munro
Listening: Books Written For Girls by Camera Obscura
Cider of the month: Angelica's Hot Mulled Cider

Rooting for the PBGV

if i could have a dog, it would be the pbgv. i love this hound. i saw my first one, named "mabel" on the street the other day. i said, "excuse me, is your dog part hound?" the owner was so sweet and let me pet and play with the dog for a while. mabel was such a lovebug. now, i'm hanging out at kimberley's, watching the national dog show and so far, the pbgv has won for best hound. what a perfect little fellow. i hope he wins best in show.

so far, this has been a very relaxing trip to boston. yesterday, mom and i shopped, drank tea, walked around cambridge, and ate good food.

today kimberley and dad are napping, mom is reading the paper, and i'm watching the dog show. finally, down-time.

List of activities:

Last night I left work at 5 pm.
Met my dad at my apartment and unpacked the rest of my things from his rental car, which he had driven to New York from Boston.
Then we walked around the East Village and had a big, Mexican feast at this great place called La Palapa (in between 1 and 2 on St. Marks), which he didn’t fail to point out is right across the street from one of his favorite theaters.
After dinner, we took a brisk, wintery walk to my workplace, where I showed off the basement and sub-basement, where I work. Basically, it’s an entire city block packed with boxes of books that have been donated. It’s a kind of paradise for people like us and my dad proceeded to flip out, as he weeded through piles of old books.
Then we came back to my house and hung out before sleeping (him on the air mattress and me on the floor with my sleeping bag and my cat on my pillow).

Wake up at 7:30 am and attempt to move my car for an hour with no luck. Leave the car in dad’s hands and run off to a half-day of work. Work. Leave work and help my father carry a bookshelf he found on the street from Soho to my apartment. Go eat another slice of Viva Natural Pizza with dad. Furniture shop for an hour and we only agree on one other item, another bookshelf. Carry this bookshelf from the Salvation Army (12th and 4th) back to my house, which is a lot farther when you’re carrying a bookshelf.

Pack, and go pick up a hot mulled cider from Angelika (not worth the wait at the juice bar), but there you have it.
I get in my car. My dad gets in his. We drive for a million hours to Hartford (the traffic is basically at the slowest crawl ever for over an hour in Connecticut). After hours of driving, we arrive at CarMax, where I sold my first and only car for an unspeakably low price. Goodbye, Lil Butt (my car), I will always love you. We ate fast food and felt sick. Then, I got into my dad’s rental car and we continued on from Hartford to Boston.

We got into Boston after about seven hours of travel. Said hi to my sister before she went to sleep. Talked a little with my mom. Then my mom and dad went to a hotel and I got into bed (where I am now) in Kimberley’s apartment.

I know this isn’t an interesting blog post and probably sounds like any number of other posts I’ve written recently, but that’s just the thing. All my days feel this mind-twirling and full. It’s just another whirlwind of 24 hours, where a million things get done, there’s still a million more things to do, and I feel excited by new steps and accomplishments in my new life.

It was really fun to show my dad my life in New York. It still has not sunk in that I’m really doing it. And having visitors only reinforces my excitement. As he would say, the novelty has definitely not worn off.

I’m excited about: not sleeping on the floor tonight, not sleeping on an air mattress tonight, getting a full night’s sleep with no alarm to wake me, seeing my family, getting a little rest and relaxation before going back to New York on Friday morning.

*One of my favorite car ride moments: Seeing all the stars in the clear sky between Hartford and Boston.
*Tonight’s shout outs: Super hero father for moving all the rest of my stuff to New York, carrying bookshelves around town with me, lots of good conversation, paying for great food, and driving through horrible traffic just for his spoiled daughter; Tara’s father who is in recovery after a bicycle accident; Davide for the book recommendation, which I am saving for my train ride home; and Robert for being a super friendly/welcoming next door neighbor.
*Song of the night: Crush by Grace Jones

What Is Wrong With People?

This forward came from the director of my MFA program, Totally grossed out. The word that comes to mind is "loathsome:"

A call for submissions and personally invite you and your creative writing students to submit their work for consideration in an upcoming poetry anthology titled Cadence of Hooves: A Celebration of Horses. The focus of the anthology aims to consider the relationship between humans and horses. This relationship is sometimes direct, sometimes more oblique, and sometimes very magical—personal interpretation of this theme is welcome.
This project is supported by a one-time grant from California State University, Chico.


I went to this young designer's expo this morning. Very cool, but pricey. It's errand morning (already purchased: one spnge mop made of the real spongey stuff, more cereal, baby carrots, more soy milk, and a welcome mat) and then I'm having a fun evening that is going to be filled with alpacas (don't ask, unless you want to), maybe Angelika Kitchen, and late night movie-watching. At least that's the tentative plan.

Fell in love with another person last night. She's very pretty. And smart. But she may be moving to Delhi for work. She gave me her card. That's a first. Maybe I shouldn't say more in case she somehow finds my blog.

Pressing question of the morning: Where should I get my haircut? I haven't found a friend with a haircut that I love in the city. Or with hair like mine. Nobody has hair like mine, what with all the frizz and curl but then also the thinness.

pooped

wow, i'm really feeling it. all this movement/change is hitting hard. i've been having such a good time and loving (almost) every day, but nights like tonight, i can barely make it across my apartment. that's not an exaggeration, the bathroom looks really far from where i'm lying in bed.

my friend Isaiah suggested this cool food by mail exchange and tomorrow is the last day to sign up. I decided to try it out. The basic idea is that you're paired with a kind of not-so-secret-santa-blogger and you exchange food by mail. I'm not an incredible cook, though I'm not bad with the baked goods, so hopefully I'll be paired with someone who likes chocolate.

I hung out with Tara last night. We ate at Viva Natural Pizza on 2nd (my first, but certainly not last visit) and after walking under umbrellas but still getting wet during a downpour, we got drinks at Doc Holliday's Bar. It was really good to catch up and discuss similar experiences we're having. She's one of my oldest friends and this is the first time in our lives that we've lived in the same city. It's really amazing to finally get this opportunity. Plus, we live within walking distance. I'm curious to see how we'll end up being friends, since for years, we've only seen each other when we were in the same city for a week or so, so the time spent together was very concentrated and structured. I had to keep telling her that we have to try to remember we live in the same city now and can be the kind of friends that get to see each other regularly.

today was the housing works thanksgiving lunch party. it was held at this huge space and was bumping. the music was good, the food was good, the crowd was jovial. good times. it's weird to work for a place that is constantly having events. tonight this silly white girl hip-hop group called Northern State was performing upstairs in the bookstore. i'm about as anti-white hip-hop as a white person can be, and i was grossed out by the whole thing, but some of the events are worth checking out. this was not one of them.

i need rest. i've slacked on my writing since moving to new york and i'm feeling pretty guilty about it. my goal is to get back into it when i come back to new york after thanksgiving in boston. let's hope i follow through.

tonight i'm going to relax on the old air mattress with my book, "Easter Parade," and some old school tom waits on the itunes.

get me to a dance floor and fast

fell in love with a gay boy today. well, a 40 year old, doesn't really count as a boy. same taste in books, european, good things like this. he's very unavailable and leaving the country in a month, but still a girl can dream.

tonight, reaffirmed my disdain for live comedy. it's been 14 year since my last attempt at attending a comedy show. should have stuck with my instincts. but tried to keep reminding myself: what's one night of bad comedy to keep a good friend company?

notice no use of "i" in this post to indicate myself. because of sleepiness. it's just 11:30, but being that this is really only my second normal day of life here, feels like there's a lot of catching up on sleep to do.

my coworkers have found a new radio station. fantastic, unbelievable, and makes the day go so much faster. sorry jt fans, but it's so good to not hear "i'm bringing sexy back" 200 times a day. so good. this new station mixes 80s songs with techno music. you have no idea how much more dancing we're doing as we stare at our computer screens.

today's consumption:
3 cups of coffee
1 cup of relax tea
1 big bowl of cereal (kashi's vive)
1 gigantic honey crisp apple
1 trader joe's apple sauce
1 over-priced but tasty chicken wrap
1 glass of merlot
not enough water

reading: "Easter Parade" by Richard Yates
listening: "Railroad Man" by Eels

p.s. is it the new cool thing to have a bar or restaurant that's so obscure that no website exists for the place? i'm noticing a trend.

changing cell phone plans/dance til you can't, dance til you can't, dance no more

cingular just isn't cutting it. sometimes it's really solid, but a lot of the time in my apt. is spent finding a better place to talk. those of you who know new york, what's your suggestion? one friend insists on verizon, but i was researching last night and saw a site with way more verizon complaints than cingular. help me make a good choice. i'll keep asking friends in the city, too. but if you have suggestions, by all means...




on an entirely different note, since we've been discussing oberlin so much, maybe we should have an old school sco party in new york. try to reconstrcut the goodness that was the sco or something. i haven't ironed out the details but it could be fun.
although thinking about it now, it is probably best to keep it in the past.


things are still good and busy. loving the job and the apartment and being in the city.

24 hours and counting...

Yesterday at 7, I went out with Matt M and his mom. Hello! Matt and I haven't seen each other in five frickin' years. He's almost finished with architecture school (following the bob and denise dream) AND he now has a tattoo and stretched ears. Can you believe it? We had a nice, Mexican dinner in the east village full of repressed conversation and pleasantries. Then we dropped his mom off at Grand Central and began a fabulous night of drunken gallavanting. Sloshed. We got sloshed.
[One fun highlight was that I accidentally ran into the guy who is now playing Tarzan while he was signing autographs.]

Anyway, Matt and I did it up right. We went to the only great bar near Times Square, Collins Bar, which I had been to a year or so ago with Kim, who works near there.



We picked out an amazing jukebox set, but I don't think they ever got to ours (and now I can't remember any of it). I love Matt!!! How can you not? Shout out shout out!!

How perfect is it that we live so close and soon he's maybe/hopefully going to start interning in New York?! Forget Philly, man, you've got to come live here. It would be so fun! Matt has gotten taller too! I didn't think that was possible. (I know this is not a very cohesive blog post, but look at how things have been. Cohesiveness is so far down on my list.)

Then around 3 in the morn, we said our goodbyes, (but not for long) and got on separate trains: him back to philly, me back to boston.

I passed out on the train, rocking to my embarassing ipod tunes and got back to kimberley's at 9ish. Then I slept for two hours before loading up my car with all my crap and driving with Kimberley and Cornelius in the pouring rain all the way back to new york.

Why does it feel like everyday is like this? These are such good times, it's ridiculous.

I'm back in the apartment. Kimberley is sleeping, Cornelius is wanting food, and I'm dazed and confused.

Really good news: only 10 or so more boxes of my stuff is in boston. I'm not travelling until Thanksgiving, so I can finally settle in a little. I'm really looking forward to downtime. And now I can see more New York people who I haven't had time to connect with. I am loving my apartment by the by. Cornelius seems at home already.

Oh, Matt! If you read this, I think it's Klaus Deboer. Right?

song that most represents my life right now: One Place by Everything But the Girl

p.s. i discovered that matt shares my love and adoration for grace jones. how much do we so want to follow her around and learn everything? ohhh! a grace jones internship would be heaven!

Check this completely genius video of "i'm not perfect (but i'm perfect for you)." some of you may know i grew up with a huge keith haring obsession. this is totally the best of both worlds.

I Hope I'm Not Becoming Obnoxious. It's Like I'm Happy And I Don't Know How To Handle All This Happiness...

Today:
Wake up at 7 am.
Shower and take one suitcase (no wheels), one backpack, one air mattress, and one laptop bag from Queens to my new home. Drop everything off and inflate mattress/buy toilet paper.
Walk to work. Work.
Set up for big party at work. This is a party to encourage publishers to donate to the store and to thank them for all they’ve done.
Attend party. Feel like I can’t move because there are so many people at the party.
Squeeze out the door.
Walk home.

Buy cereal!!!!

(I still don't have any bowls or utensils, so I'm going to borrow stuff from work. But you know how much I've been wanting cereal. This is such an indicator of the beginning of being grounded in one place.)

And I got honeycrisp organic apples and pumpkin spice granola. (The grocery store on the corner is amazing. I feel like I've been living in Russia rather than Queens. The choices in the East Vill. are endless.)

Got into pajamas and lie down on air mattress for: journal writing, apple and pumpkin spice granola eating, talking on the phone, and blogging.

I feel so fortunate. No matter how chaotic my life feels, I am also constantly aware of how incredibly lucky I am.
I can’t get over how good this all feels. Every day is an adventure. I’ve never felt like that. I want to write more about how all of this living is changing me and teaching me, but right now, I just need to make lists of activities like the one above.

One thing I’ve noticed is that for once, I’m thriving in this stress. There’s so much to do and so many transitions and I’m 89 percent gleeful. That’s new for me.

Tonight is my first night in my very own apartment. Enchantment.

With love and solipsisim, Heidi

Remember how a few days ago I said I don’t like to read books more than once because I panic about wasting time? I must contradict myself. I’m on the train heading back to New York (sixth trip in two months) and I’ve just reread the “Heidi Chronicles”.

Maybe it doesn’t count because it’s not a book book, but a play book, so it’s a faster repeat. Maybe. Because Kim said I’ve always been Heidi and she’s always been Susan, I was desperate to find out who we are (in real life and in theater life).

Susan is “wild, practical, and fifty-percent rayon.”
Heidi is part of a “generation of disappointed women. Interesting, exemplary, even sexy, but basically unhappy. The ones who open doors usually are.”

So this is our destiny. Kim and I read a play in high school English class, way back in arts school; two girls with no idea that our lives would converge again, ten years later in New York. And she’s right. Maybe not exactly right. But the play is about dreams/settling, being unable to avoid idealism, more often than not feeling the disappointment of not having it all, and ultimately finding hope.

But here’s the clincher: Heidi ends up a single mother of an adopted baby and finds herself happy enough. I don’t think I’m ready to be situated between happy and unhappy just yet. (Entitled, yes, but don’t I get points for honesty?) Is happy enough the only choice in the end?

Wow, these train rides really bring out the nostalgia. I’m sitting in the quiet car (no cell phones, HOORAY!) and the rain-streaked windows mixed with pitch black scenery except for moments of street lights and smeared red car lights all equal an inevitable pensive mood. I’m thinking about that high school English class. Reading Equus, Beloved, Dante’s Inferno, The Iliad, Heidi Chronicles. What else? Plath. Our teacher loved Plath. We were a bunch of prematurely jaded kids with an enabling bohemian teacher. Makes me want to seek out all my old classmates who now live in New York and have a reunion.

I was a floater, friends with the artsy folk, the depressed druggies, the fringe of the fringe (Kim), the nerdy than the other nerds kids, the popular girls. Parts of me were all of them. And then other parts of me didn’t belong to any of them. Simultaneously, I had lots of friends and no friends at all. And now all these people are characters I carry with me, and some of them make it into my stories. Who else but a writer thinks that other people are there as extensions of themselves, their greatest benefit being that they can be subjects in fiction? A solipsist through and through.

My trip to see Kimberley was too short. I’ll see her again this Sunday when I go back to Boston to pick up Cornelius, my boxes, my sister, and my car. We’re driving a bunch of my things to my new apartment.

In two days, I move into my new place. “Don’t be scared. Don’t believe you’re all alone” just sang on my IPod. A good sign.

I don’t want to be a conductor, but I might not mind riding this train back and forth between Boston and New York regularly. My brain calms down and everything starts to take shape. I thought I would be afraid of being alone, but moments like these, I honestly love it.
The motion of the train = moving forward.
The four hours sitting in one place = opportunities for deep breaths.

Once again, we’ve arrived at New Haven.

Love,
Heidi

Song of the day: The Shoop Shoop Song (see “Heidi Chronicles” and Gili’s performances as Cher at Florida’s Sunfest Festival in 1991? and numerous family Bat-Mitzvahs including my own.)

Note to Riva: I figured out why we love Munro’s “Lives of Girls and Women” so much. It’s like reading a children’s/young adult book that’s written for adults. Do you know what I mean?

too much breathing

I just promised my mentor that I'll try to take 40 deep breaths each day. I think I may be shooting too high.

Train Ramblings

I’m on the train, heading back to Boston. I was on the phone until 2 in the morning with Riva. She was yelling at me about television. She wasn’t really yelling AT me. Just full of passion. That’s my Riva.

Listening to “Useless Desire” by Patty Griffin and revising my story. My last submission is in and my critique came back. I’m really going to miss working with my mentor but here’s where I’m supposed to say, “Every mentor will have a new and valuable perspective that I can learn from.” Now I just have to believe it.

I’m reading the Sunday Times, too. When I’m finished with a section, I pass it over to the fellow sitting across the aisle and he seems shocked by my willingness to share. At first he refused to take the paper, but I explained to him that I’m DONE with it; it’s okay.

We just arrived at Bridgeport, CT. Connecticut is really weird. I kind of think this country doesn’t need it. Maybe Connecticut should become its own kingdom, with a queen and with its own laws. Maybe the U.S. could strike a deal with Connecticut and make it the special kingdom where all chain stores are located. Starbucks, J. Crew, Banana Republic, and Walmart would have to close down all over the country and open up exclusively in CT. Maybe I’ll write to Bush and see what he thinks.

G-D, I love the train. I love the opportunity to get lost in thought, to spend three and a half hours alone with nothing to distract me from my writing and reading except the scenery. (Okay, that’s a little glorified considering all the cell phone use that I have to tune out by blasting my IPod.) But still, this is one of the prettiest rides. What does it do to my brain when the trees are orange and red? I’ve moved to a beautiful coast!

Speaking of cell phones, I think there should be a National It’s Against The Law To Use Cell Phones In Public Unless It’s An Emergency Day. Sure, people would lose money and valuable corporate time, but who cares? I don’t. Finally, peace and quiet. No, I don’t care what you did last night or what you’re going to do with a client’s stocks. I really don’t. Whatever happened to using your inside voice? My holiday could be called CRIMP-OD: Citizens Regaining Innocence from Mobile Phones Overuse Day.

I can’t wait to see Kimberley and Cornelius. I’ve been having such a good time staying at Kim’s, meeting people at my new job, and running around New York, but I don’t feel grounded. I won’t be moving into my place until next week (the ninth), so I’m still living the nomad’s life. But that’s going to be over soon. I have never lived alone and I’m really excited about having my own space to write, read, dance, scream, sing, walk around naked, make myself tea and coffee (maybe even crumpets. I’m not sure exactly what crumpets are, but it sounds like something a single woman would have with her tea and reading). I kid you not when I say that I’m also excited to have my own place so I can have a bowl of cereal in the morning. I haven’t been eating breakfast in New York and I miss my Heart to Heart. My health has been placed on the back burner (can one place health on a back burner?) and I’m ready to place it back in the deep fryer (how’s that for a misuse of an analogy?).

Last night, I feel in love on the subway. It’s so easy to fall in love with strangers, you know? I was heading back to Queens and there was this boy, drawing in his sketchpad. Things I liked about him:
1. Serious face
2. Pleasantly round with cute glasses
3. Sketching with intensity (His special drawing pens were bundled in a rubber band.)
4. Carrying an old school Nokia cell phone, just like mine. (Nobody has these in New York, so I’m authentically vintage and so was my subway amor.)
5. Unpretentious in dress and accessories (see number four).
I ripped out a page from my journal and wrote, “If you’re straight and single, call me. Why not?” Then I added my name and number. I was going to give it to him when I got off at my stop or slip it to him if he got off before me, but here’s where things went wrong: we got off at the same stop! How could I give it to him and make a getaway? So, I let him go. The note went in the trash. Still he’ll always have a place in my heart, my subway amor. I’m sure there will be others. My heart is a romantic one. A girl with dreams. Maybe I create the world around me that I want to believe in.

We’ve arrived in New Haven.

New York Songs of the Morning: “You Said Something” by PJ Harvey and “New York, New York,” by Ryan Adams

Mountain Dew = Drink of Death

Remember my Mountain Dew overdose? Click here to learn how much of the drink I would have to ingest to die.

According to this website, it would have taken me 179.93 cans of Mountain Dew to be killed.
This link also lists how much caffeine (of any kind) you need to drink in order to stop living. Thanks to Sara's blog, I'm now in the know about the dangers of caffeine. I think it's 90 cups of coffee that would finally do me in.

(Some of you may recall that I had hallucinations of bunnies trying to eat me and people climbing into my window during my Mountain Dew overdose. I haven't touched the stuff since the incident, which happened in college.)

More on New York soon.

*Song of the Day: Girlfriend in a Coma
*Book of the Day: Back In The World by (who else?) Tobias Wolff
*Horoscope of the Day: Rob Brezsny says, "Identify some aspect of your life you tend to regard as inadequate or insufficient, and redefine it to be an asset."
*Expression of the Day: "Cat Got Your Tongue," of which Kim and I have been trying to learn the origins, since we discovered that one of her cats has a tongue thrust.

The Reading Life

I love this comic from the perry bible fellowship (click to enlarge):



Sometimes, when I’m reading, I start to panic. I worry that I’m wasting time on a book that doesn’t deserve the small amount of time I have on this planet. It’s like finding a temporary lover and they’ve got to be good and interesting and exciting or it just ends up being a time-suck. I want to cherish every book I read and my patience is getting smaller. I used to insist on finishing every book I started (which came to a sudden halt after suffering through all of “Sons and Lovers”), but now, it’s 100 pages and then if I haven’t found redemption, I’m on to the next (unless it’s a school thing).

Today, I found out how attached I get to a good book. As I finished the last twenty pages of Tobias Wolff’s “Old School,” I actually had tears in my eyes and may have shed one or two. The ending wasn’t sad, but the fact that the book was coming to an end was tragic. I wanted at least 100 more pages. Tomorrow, I’m going to get another book by him. It’s like I’m going to have more Wolff on the rebound, after having a relationship with him (twice, since I read two different books and loved them both). The only flaw in the analogy is that I loved him, so why would I have broken up with him in order to now be in this rebound situation?

I’m also not a fan of reading books more than once. Passages, sure, but not full books. That’s another fear: That while I’m reviewing, I’m missing out on something new. Some people have a fear of missing out when it comes to socializing. Mine applies to reading.

New York: Day Two

While I was walking to get my TB test today near Christopher Street, I ran into the short-statured man from “Station Agent,” Peter Dinklage. I thought of saying something to him, but I’m too shy and I was star-struck, so I just looked the other way as we passed each other. I had just seen him on a PBS documentary when I was in Boston. On the documentary, his manager was talking about how women don’t feel comfortable saying he’s sexy because he’s a little person. I think he’s sexy. Kim thinks I should have told him. Next time.

Kim, Umber, and I went to see the remake of “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari” at The Pioneer Theater for Halloween. It was fabulously boring and I almost fell asleep more than once. That might have been because first we ate mussels, fancy mac n cheese, and drank a bottle of wine. Or maybe it was the chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting that I shoveled down during the film. I think polarchip would have really enjoyed seeing the movie, but I’m just not enough of an obscure movie buff. Plus, I know this film has all this historical weight, what with its not so obscure references to Germany being asleep while Hitler took control, but I’m not sure why they remade it. Still, it was my favorite Halloween ever, which isn’t really saying much since I usually hate Halloween.

Umber and I bonded over our Chorus Line obsession. She grew up watching the movie over and over too. She doesn’t share my attraction to Michael Douglas, but then, who does?

My favorite free New York activity (this also applies to other cities) is following random people around the city. I’ve been spending a lot of time chasing after strangers as they weave through the streets. This is a great way to get exercise and get my mind in a writer’s mood because I make up personal histories and like to guess about where people are headed. I’m not always right, and sometimes I lose track of folks before they reach their final destination, but it keeps me busy.

Tobias Wolff is once again one of my favorite authors. My semester is mostly over, but I hadn’t had enough of him, so I’m reading “Old School.” His style reminds me of a much better/refined version of my own.

Because my job won’t start for a few days, I might head back to Boston tomorrow after my TB test results. I want to see poor Cornelius (who is not happy about my absence) and my beloved sister, Kimberley (who is not happy about my absence, though I think she is probably not displaying her disappointment in the same ways as Corny).

The weather is gorgeous. The city is gorgeous. I love New York. Love it.

*New York song of the day (this is a new category): Alphabet Street by my fellow Minneapolisian, Prince

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

Okay, folks! I'm going to be working at the raddest nonprofit doing computer-type stuff! Starting tomorrow (maybe?) I'm going to be fully employed at Housing Works.

Here's their website for those who aren't familiar:
http://www.housingworks.org/

I'm really happy to be employed by such a great organization!

On a really sad note, a woman in my MFA program, who I didn't know, passed away this morning from chemo complications. Though I am not sure if I got the chance to meet her, her family is in my thoughts.

On another note, I'm hanging out in Queens with Kim and it's so cool that we're going to live near each other once again. She told me that I'm like Heidi from "The Heidi Chronicles" and she's like Susan. This doesn't mean anything to me since we haven't read this play since high school, but I'm still happy to be in a play with Kim, even if it's only in our imagination. So with my free-time (will I actually have any?) I'm going to refresh myself on that great play.

I already miss Kimberley so much! I know she's only four hours away, but Boston feels like another planet to me. I could not have been more supported or loved and I'm so glad we had the time together. She's a best friend to me. Hopefully, we'll see each other this coming weekend.

Finally, I love you all and will be more in touch now that the job thing is squared away. I'm off to eat lunch and write, write, write.

Supposedly We're In The Middle Of A Nor'Easter

The rain started last night. This might be my first experience with a nor’easter, although I remember being in Massachusetts at summer camp in the early 90s during Hurricane Bob. I don’t know if that was connected to a nor’easter. I’ve certainly had my share of hurricanes, what with growing up in Florida.

Previous to my last trip to New York (two days ago), I was suffering panic attacks and I entertained myself by reading this validating article on caffeine, my drug of choice.
http://www.benbest.com/health/caffeine.html

My favorite part was when they address anxiety head-on:
“There can be considerable individual variation in the response to caffeine. People with high anxiety tend to consume less caffeine. Those who report anxiety due to caffeine usually do not report heightened-alertness, and vice-versa. People who normally consume large amounts of caffeine report more positive mood changes compared to those who consume the caffeine only as part of an experiment. Extroverts show performance improvement with caffeine when doses are large, whereas introverts show performance impairments on large doses.”

I don’t know what the above paragraph means. None of their scientific explanations are spelled out. I mean, how do you know if you have "high anxiety" or what is a large/small caffeine intake? And who decides what makes a person an extrovert/introvert? It’s a mystery. All in all, I appreciate that whatever results I want to find, there’s a study that will prove my point. If I want coffee to be good for me, some scientist will agree it is.

I’m almost positive (99%) that I got the job. I’m really happy because it’s a good organization (read: not evil), I’ll still get to work with books, and I’m going to have good benefits. AND, it’s super closer to my new home. (According to my father, it’s .84 miles.) I don’t think it’s a great sign that I don’t understand if I’ve officially been given the job, but one step at a time.

To do before I leave for New York tomorrow night:
-Finish up most of my final submission work for the semester (I’m totally slacking on my work because I’m too hyped up from everything to settle down. But there’s the whole nor’easter thing, so I’m not leaving the house. Now would be a perfect time to work, if I could chill the heck out.)
-Make sure I have a place to stay
-Clip my fingernails
-Clean Cornelius’ litter box
-Try to stay calm
-A couple hours of belly dancing with Veena and Neena

Going to New York feels like I’m showing up really late to a party that I was supposed to attend years before. And I’ve finally picked out a good outfit, showered, and dressed. I’ll be arriving fashionably late, but hopefully the extra time has allowed me to better prepare for the fiesta.

Between where I’m living (East Village) and working (Soho), I feel like I’m reentering arts high school except on an enormous scale.

Moods are still all over the place. I suppose that will take time. Perhaps I will settle down when I turn 28 in six months? But if Saturn Return is going to hit me like another nor'easter, I'm in trouble. Although I'd like to believe that I started puberty early, so maybe I'm already in Saturn Return and it will end sooner for me.

I Think I Got The Job?!!!

I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I think I got the job. The people I interviewed with yesterday just called and left a message saying they were very impressed with me. They also sent me an email!

I need to call them back, but they need me to come in right away and I'm four hours away in Boston. (of course, they don't know I'm not in new york yet.) What the heck! I'm so overwhelmed. Plus, I am horribly behind on my school work. Oy Oy!

But I got the job...I mean, they didn't say that, but they want me to come in right away and I don't know why else I would have to come in.

Confusion! Excitement! More confusion!

Tell Me Everything I Need To Know

Please help!
I have a job interview on Thursday in New York (I can't say where because I don't want to jinx it) but I really need help with web stuff. If you know about the internet, please say so, and I will pick your brain. Please please please help.

Promises Made, Promises Broken

I promised myself I would read two hours of Cheever (and maybe finish him off) before internetting, but then, when have I ever followed though completely? Why be inconsistent now?

I feel like that emotional ESP us bloggers were having recently is back, but now it's related to having no time and tons to do and say. I've spent the past two days absorbed in my writing and I think I'm starting to notice some patterns I have when it comes to revision. I'm all about starting with a morsel, expanding to a point where I'm worried my stories are going to become novels, then contracting back to something close to the essence of the work.

My dreams have been vivid, which might be because I've had dairy (pizza) for the past couple of days. Usually I don't eat dairy. It's the only changed variable in my routine.

As I mentioned to a friend recently, I feel like moving to New York is asking to get a flogging. I mean, the west coast is such a leisurely life in so many ways. SF was about being coddled until I couldn't take it any more. The midwest was a year of living at a resort, where my obligations were few and the pressure of life was limited. But New York. New York is all about enjoying a good beating. I'm looking forward to it. (Not being sarcastic.)

I’ve started to think a lot about why I write. At first, I believed it had to do with my need to have a voice that’s my own in a world where there are so many voices. There’s something very colonizing about that. If I can have my say, then I’m alive. But then I started to think that the reason I write is because it’s much more gratifying than living. I’m not very good at being a person. I can fake it, but really, I don’t know how to do the things that people do. Or I feel awkward doing them. I’ve always felt like I’m on the outside, watching things happen but never being fully a part of them. But when I write, I have my own world that I’m fully included in and I have control over my characters (to some extent). It’s not that I always want to be in their world. It allows me to feel that all of my time spent observing the world around me without ever feeling like I’m completely in it is relevant and helpful in this one thing I do. I give myself permission to feel less troubled by my inability to fully be in the world because there’s another area of my life where I benefit from being on the outside.

Here's a favorite Cheever quote before heading off to bathe with my book... "Fifty percent of the people in the world are homesick all the time.... You don't really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don't have, or haven't been able to find."

Today I Performed A Mitzvah

1. You know how in health class or DARE class (you know, the drug prevention one that worked so well) there tends to be hand-outs with drawings in primary colors of little children helping old people across the street? I was just IN one of those drawings. I swear to you, I was walking home and this little old lady in a long blue coat with bright white hair asked me to help her cross the street. She had grocery bags and everything. I was smitten. I held her hand, which was my favotie part of the whole experience. She had soft, dry tiny hands. I was thinking about how once upon a time, this woman could have been a young hipster, too cool for school, and would never consider holding a stranger's hand. We started the long walk across the street to the bus stop. At one point I said, "Am I going too fast?" and she answered, "this is fine, just fine." I feel like I just crawled out of a Dick and Jane book. It was such a beautiful moment.

2. I've given up on the tranquil happiness thing. It's just not me.

3. I'm finally getting a lot of writing/revising going. Maybe it was too hard to buckle down while the seasons were still changing but now that it's undeniably fall, I feel a lot more settled in my work.

4. Today I signed the lease for real. It's happening.

5. Song right now: A Place Aside by Beth Orton

Sleepy Thoughts

Let’s face it, I’m never going to write that blog I promised from my trip to New York. I just am too tired and don’t feel like back-tracking.

So here’s what’s new since I’ve been back:

On the T there was a college-aged guy wearing a blogger t-shirt (it was blue with the website’s B logo in orange). I really wished I had a camera phone because he really embodied this whole site in my mind. He was dorky (reading what looked like a really nerdy book called Secret Parts of Fortune), with just a hint of coolness in his shaggy but groomed haircut. He had bad facial hair and no hair on his arms. I started wondering if it was a sign. Do I blog too much, am I turning into that much of a nerd, am I already that much of a nerd, does it matter? I wanted to go ask him if he worked for blogger and exchange blog addresses, but I also wanted to run in the opposite direction. All because of his t-shirt. And then I began thinking of other websites and wondering what people would look like if they were a website. What would hotmail look like or friendster or myspace or craigslist. I mean, we know what Craig from craigslist looks like, but he doesn’t really look like what I imagine the site would look like if it was a person. Do I look like a website? Which one? Etc.

New topic: Kimberley and Katherine (she’s also an Obie, which is weird. Is my whole world revolving around Oberlin suddenly?) baked me a surprise banana bread to celebrate my new home in New York. It was so sweet of them.

Today I talked to my friend, Kasey, who lives in Minneapolis, and it was so good to hear that he’s doing well and taking care of himself. I mean, I feel like he and I are both trying to learn to be alone (he also just got out of a four year relationship) and to do things that we love. The last time I talked to him, he wasn’t so hopeful and it’s nice to see him so actively involved in his art and to feel like he’s taking the reins of his life. It’s empowering to see other people working on making their lives better.

The hard thing is not letting go of the relationship. The hard thing is learning to be alone. On the train going to New York, I saw all these beautiful colors and trees and lakes and I realized that I can see them with my own eyes and absorb all of its essence and not ever share it with another person. These can be my own discoveries. I can read an amazing passage in a book and love it and I can choose to share it with another person or keep it as my own. I’m just so used to telling another person everything that happens in my life and in my brain that I’m kind of savoring all these private moments I get to have with myself. Do you know what I mean? It feels so new and good and sometimes it’s lonely but sometimes it’s just like reading under my comforter in the cold. I have no idea if that makes sense.

I walked outside this afternoon and there was another amazing package from Aimee. I loved the typed letter on the homemade paper, the homemade Cornelius toy, the paper cut-outs, the rock. It was perfect. (No surprise there.) I know you (Aimee) said you’re learning about receiving things without reciprocating and I think I do that too. I start to wonder about what I can give back right away. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I like the cycle, the exchange.

Tonight I went to Filene’s with Kimberley. They’ve been going out of business for months. I found this dress that’s long and dark brown (my favorite) and cotton and a little too big and has tiny straps. It’s like a long lightweight sundress. Originally it cost 56 dollars and the saleswoman sold it to me for 8 dollars because it was missing a sweater or something. I felt like she was giving me a present, just for taking it off her hands. I’m excited about lying around in it. I’m going to christen it my First New York Apartment Dress.

Today is my half birthday. Since I turned 27, so much has happened. Geographically, I've been to Minneapolis, Duluth, New York, Boston, Chicago, and back and forth between places a ridiculous amount of times. I've ended a relationship, lost a best friend, gained new friends, strengthened others, found a new home in New York, danced as hard as I could, read tons of books, written new work, applied to six billion jobs, and so much more. I can't believe how much has happened in six months. I'm curious (and a little frightened, but also excited) to see what the next six months will hold.

I’m still fighting this ridiculous cold (though it’s just lingering at this point) so I’m laying low tonight.

My Best Friend, Riva Helps Me Feel Better Every Day

I know I said I don't have time to post, and I don't, but now I absolutely have to.

Guess what came in the mail today? Two weeks late!!!

Riva sent me an amazing package filled with 4 fruit leathers, one Scharffen Berger dark chocolate bar, a Burt's Bee Honey lip balm, a Bratz Pez dispenser (this is too weird. I don't think I can bring myself to eat Pez out of a Black woman's bust, but who knows), one Manner hazelnut cream filled wafer bar, a cocoa flavored panda licorice bar, robot stickers, cat stickers, old gili and riva stickers, a Ben & Jerry's gift certificate, a "I read banned books" button, one of those monster finger puppets (that i currently have on my pointer finger), a spiffer manicure pen, an amazingly hot picture of Riva from the library's short skirt day (this is a good reminder of why there once was a big crush that began our friendship eight years ago), a MBTA card with money still on it, a copy of Camera Obscura's "Lets Get Out of This Country," a copy of The Be Good Tanyas "Chinatown," and a card that insists that Riva loves me more than the Gilmore Girls and more than chocolate cupcakes!!!!

This package was SOOOO worth waiting for!

I don't know what I did to deserve this. Breaking up sucks, but gifts don't.

Unfortunately, the hot picture of Riva isn't available online, but since we're such hams, here's one of us from two years ago (when we still had short hair and I was still a Californian. So much has changed, but my love of Riva hasn't.)

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

p.s. Still not able to post about NY because I have to get to the train soon. Just had to send big thanks right away. Love you.
p.p.s. I used to think nothing good came out of going to Oberlin, but where would I be without all of you now?

Right Around The Corner = The Time Of My Life

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! I have so much to write. But I’m saving it for tomorrow. Here’s the exciting news!

I’m moving to a basement studio in the east village! Believe it!

And it’s really reasonably priced and not as small as it could be. I am freaking out!

I was texting a bunch of people on the train home and my friend Kim’s text made me cry. When I told her I’m afraid of the move, she texted, “Don’t b scared-the time of yr life is right around the corner, my friend. Gili + nyc= awesomeness!”

Here are some craigslist pictures of my new home. Sure, it’s not fancy pantsy, but come on, this is new york, what do you want from me?

I’m tired and wired and need sleep. I haven’t called a friend of mine back in Minneapolis for a few days because I had a bad cold and then I was afraid I would start crying on the phone and not be able to stop, but now all is looking up, so I’m free to socialize again. Did I mention I’m moving for real? November 9th, baby. I hope Kim is right.

P.S. Riva recommended The Killer’s Tears, another young adult book that’s almost on the same amazing level as Walk Two Moons. Definitely check it out for all you new Walk Two Moons fans.

P.P.S. Song for train rides: Colors and the Kids by Cat Power

P.P.P.S. I had a poppyseed hammentaschen today (and it was only two blocks from my new home!!!) I have found heaven.

Best Sukkah In Somerville, Hands Down

perfection

our etrog (the lemon)

Kimberley and the Hanging Produce

Me and the unbreakable Sukkot chain

Hottest Sukkah Ever!

p.s. truth be told, we didn't actually know what sukkot was about. we googled it last night and discovered (surprise, surprise) it has something to do with wandering in the desert and building huts. i'm not sure how it became a fall harvest celebration or what bananas and apples have to do with it, but who cares?
p.p.s. I saved Kimberley from plummeting to her death as she pasted the stars to the ceiling of our Sukkah.
p.p.p.s. last night Kimberley and I wrote several Sukkot Haiku. We didn't write them down, it was more of an oral thing. Sadly, I can't remember them now.

It's Good To Be A Jew! (Also Titled I'm Co-President of The No More Boundary Pushers Club, Wanna Join?)

Friday:
*Got MORE incredible art from Aimee. The envelope she sent has been going back and forth between us and is well loved. Artists are so smart. Especially Aimee.

*Received feedback from my mentor. He’s a fan of my revisions, which is such a relief. I thought this was my worst submission period, but he didn’t agree. One of my stories is really coming together. Now, I have to dive into another one.

*Went dancing with Kimberley. We got there and it was pretty empty. We rocked out even though the music sucked. Then events went as follows:
-The music keeps sucking so K and I ask if we can suggest a song or two. The DJ lady insisted that she had already picked out the music for the rest of the night!
-(Many of the men at this place have tried to hit on me or my sister and have gotten the clear message that we’re not interested. There are only two guys that we are slightly interested in, but not really. K’s pick is too shy and my pick is too much of a guy, so I can’t really spend my time pursuing him. I’m there to dance with K and that’s that.) One of the guys doesn’t know me at all and last night he decided to try and dance with me.

Him: wanna dance?
Me: no
Him: it could be fun
Me: no
Him: have you been here before?
Me: yes
Him: sure you don’t want to dance?
I walk away. I already AM having fun. I already AM dancing. Leave me alone!!! What is with this boundary pusher epidemic? No means no! Can't a couple of women have fun without men getting all up in our business?)

-Then I really wanted to go. They didn’t want to play good music and the sleazy men were in attack mode.
-Before we left, we must steal from these evil dancing people. So K and I grab two bags of Pepperidge Farms cookies and head out the door.
-But wait! Landmine at the bus stop! Shuva, one of the innocent dancers, is waiting at the bus stop. So we hide the bags of cookies in our coats (mine was under my armpit) and keep them there through the bus ride home). She’s talking on and on (her English is not great and we have no idea what she’s saying) but meanwhile, our coats are bulging with stolen treats.
-We donated one bag of cookies to the homeless (so Robin Hood of us) and kept the ginger men cookies for ourselves, promptly eating ¾ of the bag upon entering K’s home.

Saturday:

*Kimberley and I are celebrating Sukkot, one of my favorite Jewish holidays! As soon as K gets back from acupuncture, we are converting her porch into a Sukkah.

*Today we bought: 6 apples, a bunch of bananas, a lemon, construction paper (very important for making paper chains, which are an essential Sukkot ingredient. see picture), shiny stars, white grape juice, string, and tape. We’re going to collect leaves and tape them to the porch. And make a little bowl of spices to add to the overall autumn-ness of the event.

*Later, we’re going to make Sukkot Kugel and pumpkin muffins and say some prayers under our beautiful Sukkah. We’re supposed to sleep under the Sukkah and watch the stars, but I think that’s a little too Ortho for us.

*A very happy Sukkot to all the Jews and Jews for Jesus in the crowd!

Songs of the day:
The Chain: Fleetwood Mac (in honor of construction paper chains for Sukkot)
Autumn Sweater: Yo La Tengo (in honor of autumn)
Maneater: Hall & Oates (in honor of K and my response to gross men)

Bathing With Smart Writers

Yesterday:
*Spent two hours and ten minutes in the bathtub with Katherine Anne Porter. Pale Horse, Pale Rider is so intense. All three stories in the collection blew me away.
*Ate about half a box of Kashi Heart to Heart honey roasted cereal (is anyone else addicted to this?)

Today:
*Procrastinating on my annotation by writing about Porter on my blog. (I just read online that she was friends with a Nazi. A friend of the Nazis is no friend of mine. And she loved horses! Now, that's a deal-breaker. But it's inescapable, she was an incredible writer.)
*Starting my big old Cheever book (perhaps another bath is in order).
*Revise, revise, revise my own work
*Drink more coffee
*Maybe go dancing again with Kimberley and Debbie. (Since I didn't run this morning, I need to shake my tush.)
*I promised myself no internet until I finished my outline for my Porter annotation. I've got to get off of this computer before it swallows me whole.

"Hey! Do You Want To Come Out, and Play The Game? It's Never Too Late."

Fall is here. This weekend the leaves are supposed to change colors in a big way. Fall is my second favorite season after
Spring because I like hot apple cider, quilts/snuggling, hot baths, orange and yellow and red.

For the few of you that might have noticed, I was without my phone for the past week. I wasn't really without it, but I wasn't feeling like I could communicate with the outer world. While I was in seclusion, I read and wrote a lot, ran daily, ate lots of bananas (great for depression), and atoned on Yom Kippur.

Kimberley and I got pedicures yesterday (Kimberley's first time) and went dancing. I love my sister a lot and she's totally my match humor-wise. For whatever reason, Kimberley (sometimes) introduces herself as "Palestine." She likes to see how people will react. It kind of reminds me of another person (you know who you are) who made up stories in college about being married off after her senior year. Anyway, Kimberley told the pedicure people that her name is Palestine. That's my brilliant sister.

Whoever left "Century Plant" on my voice mail, this morning you made me cry (in a good way). I think there's only one possible person who would think to do that. If you haven't seen "Camp" the movie, it's not to be missed. If you were an arts school/arts camp kid, this movie is for you. Person who left message, how did you call me from a Virginia phone number? I'm confused. I'm no longer cell phone free. Let's talk.

I've been noticing a dramatic increase in melancholy on the blogs I read. Is there something collective going on (like when girls living together get their period at the same time)? Anyway, I hope it's a passing thing. My spirits are starting to lift.

Middle of next week, I go back to New York for the third housing attempt. Let the games begin/continue.

favorite hair care product: Frizz Ease Step 2 Conditioner
favorite bubble bath product: Aveda Energizing Body Cleanser

happy vs. HAPPY; Spork vs. Spark

I was reading in Kimberley’s Stanford alumni magazine about this psychology professor, Jeanne Tsai, who studies happiness. She says, “European-Americans aspire more often to a high-energy elation… However people raised in more collective Asian cultures aspire more often to a tranquil joy.” I’m definitely Euro-American based on that analysis (and on everything else), but ever since I read that article, I’ve been really aware of my ideas of happiness. I’m trying to slow my pace and feel good about my life. Mostly, the big change is I’m taking baths almost every night. But I can feel myself moving through the world differently.

Speaking of this slower pace, sometimes I feel like I’ve got so much energy, there isn’t room for others to relate to me. I’ve been thinking about the difference between a spork and a spark. (The dictionary says a spork is a combination of a spoon and a fork and a spark is an electrical discharge.) I think some of my relationships tend to be more sporky than sparky. Here are my own definitions:

A spork relationship: One in which two things try to fit together but don’t. As one unit, they are still functional, with their own unique humor, but a spork relationship is not sustainable or practical. It’s unheard of for most people to use sporks instead of spoons and forks. There just isn’t a demand. Spork relationships can be fun and silly, but they exist based on their tchotchke appeal more on anything else.

A spark relationship: Full of stimulation. Long lasting based on a mutual desire to discover new things about each other. The key word is “mutual”. Art, fire, electricity, change, and in most cases life require a spark.

So my Rosh Hashanah goals include:
-Learning to find a balance between a high-energy and a tranquil sense of happiness
-Creating more spark relationships

Losing A Best Friend

There’s nothing easy about ending a friendship. It’s been really hard to go from being attached at the hip to someone for four years to knowing it’s all over. One of the worst parts is that my whole idea of the person has changed. I think in a lot of ways I was blind to certain elements of the person and to our relationship. I’m a believer and I put a lot of work into relationships, but sometimes I don’t know when to let things go. This is the time when I evaluate what’s happened and also let myself grieve. I want to feel like I’ve learned and that I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Every day is different now. I was talking to a Bay Area friend of mine the other night and she said that age 27 is the year of really high highs and really low lows. It’s completely true. I’d like to move out of that soon. Maybe I can fake it and pretend my birthday is sooner than April.

I was saying to someone that it’s weird thinking about how people break-up every day all over the world. Sometimes I think that I’ll be better off alone for a long time. I thought I would want to get in another relationship, but I think I really need time to feel what it’s like to stand on my own two feet.

Some moments, I just want to sit around and let it all sink in. Others, I want to keep moving.

What I’ve got: my writing, good friends and family, the financial help to start a life in New York, and Cornelius.

I know everything will get better with time; I just wish I could be a more patient person.

Perfect Timing!

I just got home from a day of soy lattes, beautiful weather, running, and generally feeling better. I worked on my writing and feel like I'm catching up with the work I need to be doing.

Guess what! A new package arrived from Aimee. Happiness is art from a friend. This was the perfect time for me to get such an amazing gift. It's like you knew.... Thanks for brightening my day!

And a big thanks to everyone for being so supportive. I'm so lucky to have so much community and love and support.

No More Settling

Per Aimee’s advice, I am going to visualize all the things that I want in my life. Now that I’m not settling for second rate, I will make a list of what I want in a house, a job, and a relationship. I’m finally going for what I truly want and I believe I can have it.

Housing: hardwood floors, studio, under $1000, close to subway, in Astoria, sunny, a happy home for Cornelius, closets, heat/hot water, reasonably priced utilities, quiet neighbors, safe building, big enough to have a queen size bed, bookshelves, a writing area, good cell phone reception, big enough kitchen area to cook for myself, space to do my belly dancing dvds

Job: respectful and trusting boss, stable hours, not a huge time-suck so I can work on my writing, smart coworkers, the work should be at least stimulating part of the time, good pay and benefits, nothing that puts evil into the world, not a horrible commute, my work stays at work

Relationship: someone who is as smart as me, someone I’m physically attracted to, an honest person who likes themselves, Really important: they must be passionate about something and willing to put their heart into it (this doesn’t have to be writing, it can be anything, but they can’t have a flat-line personality), someone who understands their own emotions and works on themselves, someone who challenges me and knows how to be a friend, someone who isn’t afraid or ashamed of who they are

I really feel like all these things are possible. I know they won’t all come right away, but now that I’m moving in the direction I want to be going, I feel like good things are out there. I’m going to try and read this list every other day to remind myself of the things I can have.

Desperate Times Call For Extraterrestrials

Um, so I am back in Minneapolis and I was cruising craigslist when I discovered this amazing job opportunity. Ah, the life of a writer. I did not make this up! It's a real craigslist ad. Well, dad and mom, is it better than temping?

***************
Looking for Co-Author - Great Book Idea

I've been working on a book for few years and need help to finish it.
It is about soul journeys of well-known people such as Einstein, Jefferson, Dali and another 9 celebrities. It is fiction. It is based on astrology, extraterrestrial societies (also Robert Shapiro) and (lyrical) fantasy. It describes journeys of these souls through the universe, and also the preparation for earth and the fascination with it. I have already minimum 20 pages on each person.
I published fiction before, but not in the States.
Thanks,
Zoran

Compensation: No Compensation - Agreement
**********************

(So maybe temping would be better?)

Never Forget Fascism It Is Here

This is a picture of the marquee in downtown Duluth. (We took this picture six months ago, but Duluth doesn't change that much.) I like the daily reminder that fascism still exists.

I'm hanging out in my hotel room in Duluth. I really love this town. It's so nice to be on Lake Superior. For the first time in my life, I visited a nursing home yesterday. I sat with Bubbie and Zaddie while they ate dinner. My zaddie is doing really well. It's nice to see him with more energy. They had just watched "Good Night and Good Luck" and my bubbie loved it but they both thought it was too long. I told her I was bored and she told me it's because I'm too young to understand. Naturally.

She really wants to see "Angels in America," but my copy is in Boston and I didn't bring it because I didn't know she wanted to see it. If she thinks "Good Night and Good Luck" is long, wait until she watches "Angels in America." But she can watch it in parts.

Today I went running and then I've been working on my Lorrie Moore annotation. I have to stop myself from saying how much I hate her book, but I do conclude with comments about how she seems to write a lot of things just to prove she's witty. I know my mentor will disagree since everyone at my school worships her, but there you have it.

It's good to finally get some work going. I've been slacking a lot since the great New York search. I think I'm going to find a place in Astoria. I'm interested to know more about Greenpoint. Is it too Oberliny? A few people have suggested it to me. Keep the suggestions coming. I've got to remember to visualize my dream job and home so I can make it happen.

Note to my big sister: I can't wait to see your new glasses!!!
Note to Riva: where are you?
Note to self: don't ever watch "The View" again.

Update: I just went to dinner with my hillarious Bubbie. She told me that she used to hang out with a couple of other girls when she was a kid. And they used to call people RB's (which is Rich Bitches). Naturally, I'm scandalized.

Life of the Unemployed Commuter

Last night I had a dream there were all these huge red birds (parrot-size, but not parrots, like gigantic cardinals or something) in my front yard in Florida. My mom, of course, was not interested in all, since she hates nature, but my dad got out all these bird books and we were trying to figure out what they were. One of the baby birds got stuck in my bathtub and we were trying to save it. We got the little guy out and he flew back to one of the gigantic nests in the tree. Then a bunch of tourists came to our house to look at the birds. Before we could get close, the birds flew away. What does it all mean?

I'm off to Minneapolis this morning. I hope that I don't die of dehydration since I'm not allowed liquids on my flights. Anything to help prevent terrorism.

(Oh! This fantastic picture is one of the many google images finds. Apparently, this man named Joe Cover was a boxer at the University of Minnesota. Maybe I'll see him while I'm there.)

I'm fighting a cold (from all the travel) so last night I watched four hours of Degrassi Junior High. I watched the one where Snake's brother comes out of the closet and it made me wonder what I was feeling when I sat through that episode in my 8th grade health class. I wonder if I felt embarassed or indifferent or what. Anyway, I'm glad in the end Snake accepts his brother and comes to understand that just because his all-star athlete/med-school/over-achieving brother is gay, doesn't mean he will be. And all in a half an hour's time! If I were Snake, I'd want to be gay because not only is his brother a homo, he's also better at everything than Snake.
I also watched the one where Wheels' parents get killed by a drunk driver. Covering all the bases. They really raised the stakes since Wheels was in a fight with his parents right before they died. I guess the lesson is never to fight with your parents. No, that can't be right.

****
Music of the day:
Degrassi Junior High Theme Song

Wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely,
Gee, I gotta go to this school.
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take,
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But when I look around and see,
that someone is smiling right at me,
wait, someone talkin' to me, hey, I gotta new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you gotta do is believe,
let's be honest with yourself, forget your fears and doubts,
come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High.
******
Off to the midwest...

So Much For That...

Yesterday, I interviewed for a job only to learn that they thought I had an MSW. Hello, read my resume. No where does it indicate any such thing.

And, I spent a long time in the rain waiting for the possible roommate. After meeting and hanging out for an hour, I came back to Boston. She had to find out for sure if the place could have cats. She just called and said she's really sad to tell me they can't.

So back to square one.

I guess I'm moving in with the first person afterall.
Still no job...
Sigh.

98.9% Sure

Got home about 12:30. Really, really tired. I left this morning at 8:15 am so it's been a day of it.

And the rain.

Let me tell you something. New Yorkers do nothing lightly including rainfall. And of course I wouldn't buy an umbrella since combined, Kimberley and I have five. Not that I brought one of them to NY with me.

Anyway, lots of annoying things about this trip. But I'm moving in the direction of actually living there.

I've come to love that place on the corner of 38th and (I think) 7th, but it could be 8th ave. It's near Penn Station. The place with the extensive and not over-priced salad bars. You'd know it if you saw it. (Notice this nice picture of olde time new york I found. selling ties for only 35 cents! also, i just realize there's no "cents" sign on a mac keyboard. is that true or am i a fool?)

I never thought I'd say this but it's good to be back in Somerville.

Just finishing a 1 am bowl of my new favorite cereal, Vive by (groan) kashi.

I supposed sleeping is next on my list.

New reading material: Collected stories of Katherine Anne Porter (including Pale Horse, Pale Rider)
New music: anything where I can't hear other people talking on their cell phones.
New favorite pet: psych! cornelius forever!!!

The Life Of A Dysfunctional Metronome

So, tomorrow afternoon I have another interview in the Bronx. Then I’m going to try to meet up with my other possible roommate.

Back and forth, back and forth…

I can’t believe how all over the place I am right now.

Tomorrow, off to Bronx and Brooklyn.
Then, Monday, I leave for Minneapolis and Duluth.
Then I come back to Boston a week later.
And finally, I move to Brooklyn on the first of October.

It’s not like me to be this go, go, go.
I’m excited to get to settle down a bit.

Went out dancing last night with Kimberley. At first, the music was kind of slow. We requested Prince and the bisexual DJ must not know anything about Prince because he played “Pop Life,” which is a good song, but not a fast dance song. The music started to pick up and we really got down. I’m going to miss our dance-a-thons when I’m not living here.

Oh! Kimberley and I saw a guy on his bike get hit by a car last night. He was okay, but it made me think about when I hit was on my bike and hit Adrian on his bike. So scary.

Fruit of the day: avocado

p.s. I realize this image is incredibly cheese-ridden but I couldn't help myself. I heart google images.

Park Slope, Baby!

So, I'm doing it! I'm taking the home in Park Slope in early October. I'm really excited, but also worried.

Excitement:
-perfect location (right above the tea lounge and across the street from the coop)
-nice roommate (we're alike, but also different, and I feel like we could get along well.)
-cute place (she did a good decorating job)
-great roof views (i can't wait to tak pictures from the roof, you can see everywhere and it's stunning.)
-not super expensive

Worries:
-our cats won't get along (we're going to give it a trial run and if it doesn't work, I'll find somewhere else)
-very small (no common space, small bedroom, tiny kitchen)
-not a lot of fresh air circulating through the place (not great when there will be two cats involved)

Wish me luck! Now I just need a job...

Yesterday, All My Troubles Seemed So Yesterday

Yesterday Kim and I had a Queens brunch at 2:30 pm. Yup, it took a while to get going. My whole day was so NY food. Or at least NY food that I only partake in when I'm here.

I had:
a mimosa, a Mexican omlette (okay, but I need to stop eating Mexican food outside the Bay Area), three cups of coffee (Greek-style), and some potatoes.

We went to the Upper East Side so see this gallery that was featuring women comic artists. It could have been more extensive, but I loved the show. The gallery woman hadn't heard of Vanessa Davis, so I put in a plug for our high school superstar. Check out these two women who are new to me (I don't know how to hyperlink, so just google 'em): Debbie Dreschler and Diane Noomin (see picture). (They even had some Roz originals, which I know isn't original, but I was excited. Oh, and they had that woman who does those great pictures for The Drama Magazine, Miles. The ones we had hanging up in Mpls.)

Then we walked and walked, stopping at Gracious Home for Kim's attempt at retail therapy. I've never seen such practical purchases: a shoe holder and a catch for the kitchen sink. But it made her happy and I aim to please.

We were looking for a combo of coffee for me and ice cream for Kim. I refused every Starbuck's in an attempt to prove that we didn't have to stoop so low. And by 6:45, we didn't! We found our new tradition: Follow Me Cafe, the cutest and yummiest little place where we will gather a week before Kim's birthday (as it is now) every year that we live in the city.

I ate: hummus with warm and fresh foccacia, two lattes, and half of this warm apricot,vanilla ice cream, walnuts, and chocolate sauce dessert.

Then we spent twenty minutes in Duane Reade while I chose the perfect hair bands and concealor, since I left mine in Queens.

After this, we parted ways so I can meet up with the always wondrous Tara. We caught up, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and back, and had a grand time. We've never lived in the same city so if I live here, it's going to be a whole new level of friendship. How excellent.

Eventually, I hopped a train back to Queens and met Kim and her friend (the one who thinks I look like Nelly Furtado) back at the place where I had my morning brunch. I had half a mojito (this time, delicious).

Finally, Kim and I found a tape of School of the Arts (the high school we went to before I moved to Interlochen) and let me tell you, I was such a ham. (Shocking!) I demanded camera time in every single thing we did. We watched two hours of game shows. I cannot believe they considered our classes educational. It's amazing what we got away with. Hours of complete silliness and inappropriateness.

When Kim and I were in a television class (we were both communications majors), our teacher lost herself. She was this normal, great woman who looked like a tv anchor and taught us all about the biz. One day, she stopped wearing makeup. The next day, her hair stopped being sprayed. Then, she came in and said something horrible to one of the heavier students in the middle of class. The same day, she called one of the kids in my class a "faggot." I really wish we had it on tape. The whole thing was completely surreal. He had just jumped on a plastic bag full of grapefruits while wearing a red rain slicker (it was for a game show). The grapefruit got all over the camera and she got so angry. Kim thinks she also threw a paper towel dispenser at him. I don't know about this. Anyway, next thing we knew, rumors were flying and she was fired. Kim remembers hearing that she caught her husband in bed with another woman and burned her house down. Ah, Florida. I just thought she was going through a rough divorce. The next time I saw her, she was working at a Natural Foods Store as a cashier in a plaza near my house. I was so ashamed for her that I didn't go back for a long time. Good old Palm Beach County School of the Arts.

Today's plan: buy Kim an early birthday brunch at the place of her choice, pack up and ship off to Boston. Hopefully I can get some reading done on the train. I'm so behind on school stuff.

p.s. I'm routing for Kim to have a blog.
p.p.s. song of the hour: anything Muzak, since I've decided working for Muzak could be a dream job.