I Can't Breathe...

Heat stroke is imminent.

Is there a kind of animal that can't sense temperature?
I want to be that animal.

Yesterday, for most of the day, the power was out all over our neighborhood. That meant no A.C., no fans, no nothing. The power would come on for four minutes, then off again, then back on, then off. Cars ran into each other at intersections. Babies were crying. Plus, I had to help some friends move. Even cold baths didn't help.

Miles ended up sleeping on the porch because it was cooler outside.

The electricity is back on but my spirit has dissipated.

Special Announcement For All Consumers

Good news:
Sony bravia has a new commercial: fun with paint
Bad news:
I don't think you can watch it online yet
Plus, I hope this plant didn't get hurt in the making of the commercial. Ohterwise, I'm going to be truly disappointed.

Going Batty

Last night there was another flying mammal in our apartment. I thought that little electronic plug thing was supposed to prevent rodents from wanting to be in our house. I was feeling so hopeful that it was just going to be that one time. But no.

Like last time, Cornelius started running around in circles. I sat up and woke Miles. And like last time, I put a sheet over my head, but instead of walking to the bathroom, I crumbled to the floor. I thought the flying mammal would run into me if I walked there, so I just sank down. Then Miles guided me (as I crawled) into the bathroom and I closed the door.

Miles used the old sheet trick, which eventually sent the animal out through our back porch.

Hats off to the bravery of Miles and Cornelius.

Let's hope this is the last time.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

I couldn't resist the ridiculous title.

Important question, please answer:
Should I cut all my hair off? See before and after.




Thanks.

Keeping The Fictional Dream Alive: Part Two

I was offered a new job working for a queer philanthropic foundation. They pay well and the hours are good. But, I don't really like working and I don't really like working for small nonprofits. On the othe hand, I've had just about enough of my current boss. Her instability is way more than I can handle.
Alternative solution:
Purchasing the Northern Michigan Artisan Bakery that's currently for sale. I saw it on craigslist. Check out these pictures. Plus the place comes with a three bedroom/two bath apartment. It's really beautiful up there (it's pretty close to Interlochen).




Small problems include but are not limited to:
1. lack of interest in owning a bakery
2. lack of knowledge on how to run a bakery
3. lack of desire to wake up early and bake
4. current schooling
5. fear of living in michigan again (especially a small town that may enjoy hunting and militia activities)
Benefits:
1. wouldn't have to go out to eat
2. could start steinsky bagels
3. i might smell like fresh dough most of the time

Take a look at these pictures. You tell me what to do and I'll do it.

Jesus Died For Somebody's Mail

But Not Mine.

I just got back from an early morning walk to the post office. While I was standing in line, waiting to mail my envelope, I realized that the post office was blasting Christian Pop Music.

Naturally, I started trembling, looking into the faces of other customers to see if they were also outraged. Nothing. People were tapping along, enjoying the music! For some reason, when it was my turn in line, I didn't say anything. I mean, is it legal for the post office to blast Christian music?

All I could do was bite down on my tongue, nodding and smiling.

Spaceman in Duluth

I'm in Duluth for the weekend, visiting Bubbie, Zaddie, Uncle Steve, Aunt Pat, Uncle Sam, and Mom and Dad.
It's a beautiful day here, the sun is shining, but I haven't actually gone outside since I've been working on my manuscript all morning. So the sky is blue and the sun is shining, but my view is of the hotel's back parking lot and the backyards of some Duluth residents.
My ITunes just played "Spaceman" by 4 Non Blondes. Some of you Obies will remember how much Jen loved this song. I love it too.
I like to think I have a special connection to the song since my drum teacher in San Francisco, Dawn Richardson, was in 4 Non Blondes. (She was also Prince's drummer and went on tour with him.) Here's a picture of my fabulous teacher and the lyrics for everyone to appreciate:

4 Non Blondes - Spaceman

Starry night bring me down
Till I realize the moon
It seems so distant yet I felt it pass right through
And I see what I see a new world is over me
So I'll reach up to the sky
And pretend that I'm a spaceman
In another place and time
I guess I'm looking for a brand new place
Is there a better life for me?
Subtle wind blow me gone
Let me rest upon your move
I trust I'll end up sleeping cradled in my doom
And I feel what I feel
I can't grasp what is not real
So I'll get myself real high
And imagine I'm a spaceman
In another place and time
I guess I'm looking for a brand new place
Is there a better life for me?
I remember in my mind
They say I'm daydreaming
Is it all that it seems
Or am I all the things I'm looking for? ?
And I see what I see a new world is over me
And I'll reach up to the sky
And imagine I'm a spaceman
In another place and time
I guess I'm looking for a brand new place
I remember living in a different life
Is there a better life for me?

P.S. Happy Birthday to my best friend, Riva! I love you and miss you!!!

Chicago Essay: A Literary Adventure

Chicago is excellent. We’re having so much fun. Let me tell you all about it.
As we got out of the airport terminal, we saw forty or so Teen Challenge kids heading towards their gate. Real live Teen Challengers!! That’s the thing where they promise not to have sex for like the rest of their lives or something. Then we saw a real live Keith Haring mural at the airport (kind of the opposite of Teen Challenge, you know?).
Right before we got to our hotel, I watched a skinny woman pick up a flattened, dead pigeon off the street and run with it across through a busy intersection, throwing the bird into the bushes right next to where we were standing. Then she ran back across the street as fast as a live pigeon. I swear. In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like it.
At the hotel, we asked where to go for sushi, but on our way there, we walked right into Taste of Chicago. For over two hours, we stuffed ourselves with pizza, crab cakes, garlic-dipped plantain chips, pad thai, latkes, bbq chicken sandwich, and brownies. It was the best welcome ever.
Then we went to a park near downtown and watched children play in an outdoor fountain-type place where people’s faces were superimposed onto structures. It’s hard to explain, but the theme is: there’s really cool public art here. Plus, I love all the old buildings and architecture.
After that we came home and slept, bellies full and happy.
Today we got up early and went to Wicker Park. We ran into some Oberlin people, who remember me better than I remember them (no big surprise there). One girl is named Leah (Riv, remember her?) and she was in all of my classes. It was a weird flashback especially since she knew everything about me. She was nice enough and so was the other girl.
I am in love with Myopic Bookstore. It’s a lot like the place I work, but has fewer books than the Bookhouse. I want to live inside of it and read all the books. We also went to Quinby’s and checked out the comic/zine selection, though it’s a lot like Big Brain in Minneapolis and I like B.B. better since it’s less manly mannish.
Finally I need to mention the amazing Alliance Bakery. We didn’t get anything, but the cakes in the windows look amazing. That will definitely need to be tested before going back home.
I’m loving Chicago (despite the Obie-spotting).
It’s later in the evening. We’re determined to get the most out of this trip and so we visited Andersonville and Lincoln Park. They were both fun to visit but the fun really happened back at the hotel. Background: it seems that the Greek world unites in our hotel. Greeks are everywhere and they flow through the halls and out into the lobby. Seriously, I’ve never seen so many Greek people in one place. Anyway, when we got to our floor, there was a teenage Greek party near the elevator. When we turned the corner towards our room, two Greek teenagers were sitting on the floor, one girl crying and one boy listening.
These are the exact words that the Greek girl said (while crying): “I am so proud to be Catholic. I don’t drink and I am so proud of that. I am not sexual and I am so proud of that.”
Isn’t that amazing? It was too amazing to be true. I feel like we walked into a goldmine. I’m not going to be able to upload this for a while so I’ll probably keep adding to it. More to come…
It’s the end of another day in Chicago. I want to say how sad I am that I never got to read Aimee’s suggestions about what to do in Chicago, so we’ve been winging it. On the plus side, my parents are also in the city right now (staying somewhere else, we haven’t seen them at all since we got here) and when I called them tonight, they said they are taking Aimee’s suggestions. They’ve been to at least two restaurants recommended by Aimee. Next time we come to Chicago, I promise to use Aimee’s guide.
Anyway, today was really action-packed. We started our day having breakfast in Wicker Park. It was pretty good but our second trip to Myopic was horrible. The woman working had major attitude and when we left, I never wanted to go back. I will go back, but not when that mean woman is working.
I won’t go into all the details of the day, but here are the main points:
-We went to four bookstores today, one in Hyde Park, one in Wicker Park, one in Lincoln Square, and one in Andersonville.
-We caught the last twenty minutes of Alison Bechdel, talking about her new book in a women’s bookstore. (In my strong opinion, this book is a big disappointment and not nearly as good as her others, but I’m glad she’s having success and good reviews. She deserves it.) (See picture of me with A.B. in background.)
-We found a used copy of Tobias Wolff’s “The Night In Question” for five bucks at one of the Powells Stores.
-After browsing three different Powells locations and Myopic Bookstore, there are officially no used copies of “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” (the Vintage edition) and “The Collected Stories of Cheever” in Chicago.
This is becoming long because my lack of internet. Tomorrow morning, Miles and I are going to Alliance Bakery for breakfast. Then, my parents are meeting us and we’re trying out one of Aimee’s picks (according to my parents) for lunch. In the afternoon, the four of us are driving back to Minneapolis.
p.s. finally internet connection! we're at the heartland for lunch. my parents are on the way. this place is so cute! we're loving it and i'll write more later. thanks for all your help, aimee. at least my parents used your advice and next time we come, we promise to check our email first. hopefully we can see you when we come back.

Dreaming In Fiction

Chicago fast fact:
In September, 1910, pioneer airman Walter Brookins flew over the Loop and the lake several times in front of a crowd of twenty thousand. (See photo.)
Today, Miles and I will partake in this historical experience. We fly to Chicago in the afternoon.
We know nothing about Chicago, so suggestions for things to do are greatly appreciated.

Along with Richard Yates, I am reading the often pretentious, but also informative "The Art of Fiction" by the late John Gardner. I'd like to share my favorite quote from the book (unfortunately when he speaks about authors, he uses male prnouns, so just suck it up, as I have had to do.)

"He [the writer] writes by feel, intuitively, imagining the scene vividly and copying down its most significant details, keeping the fictional dream alive, sometimes writing in a thoughtless white heat of 'inspiration,' drawing on his unconscious, trusing his instincts, hoping that when he looks back at it later, in cool objectivity, the scene will work."

I don't believe in "objectivity", but I do believe in keeping the "fictional dream alive". What a beautiful description of the writing trance.

Music of the day: anything by Chicago (I admit that I own nothing by Chicago, but what else would be relevant?)

back to life, back to reality

I'm home in Minneapolis. Finished "Hula" which I recommend (I better, since it's supposed to be similar to how I write). I thought Lisa Shea did an amazing job describing scenes without hard-hitting emotional information. Maybe that doesn't make sense. I have no time to write since I'm going back to work today, but I'll explain more at a later date. I might just post my craft annotation once I've written it.

I'm reading "Collected Stories of Richard Yates." I have been in love with his writing since high school and it's so amazing that I get to dive right back in for this MFA. The picture I'm posting is a cover of one short story collection, "Eleven Kinds of Loneliness" that I really suggest you read. It's perfection.
In two days, Miles and I are going to Chicago to celebrate four years. So much is going on but I just wanted to write and say I'm alive and back home.
More details to come...

"Another day is over so a new day will begin" -Annie Lennox

I'm over the hill! My first residency is finished. Today is my last day in the greater boston area before returning home to Miles and Cornelius. Everyone kept saying the week went by so quickly but this felt like the longest week of my life.
Yesterday I went into Boston with J.D., a girl from my program. She's definitely my closest friend which is so bizarro since she's a polite, Christian, girl from the south, and she's a few years younger than me. But wherever I can get a friend, I'll take it. If I liked Boston, it would have been a cool field trip, but I don't so the field trip was uncool. Two best parts:
1. We went to Mike's on the Northend and I got the best tiramisu of my life
2. J.D. wasn't holding onto the rail on the green line and when the T lurched, she flew across to the other side and ended up on some woman's lap. It was incredible. I watched her flying and the next thing I knew, she was looking deep into the eyes of a stranger.

I feel like I should have some big concluding paragraph here about what I learned during my first residency and how I will apply it throughout the semester, but that's so terribly nerdy and let's face it, I am taking the day off.
Tonight my big sister and I are going to her friend, C's home in Lincoln for some movie watching and dinner. The rest of my day is completely open.
A big hello to Miles' new bloggy blog. (The link is to the right.) Let's face it, the man's a genius.

song I'm listening to: Brand New Day by Eurythmics
book I'm reading: Hula by Lisa Shea
short story I read this morning and liked a lot: Facing the Music by Larry Brown

Goat Toothin'

Several years ago, I coined the phrase goat toothin'. I used it in a sentence five times each day and got my friends to spread it around. I really wanted to start a new term. I defined goat toothin' (roughly) as the act of telling a lie (often related to buisness interactions with a higher-up, but not limited to these interactions).
Example:
Boss: Did you come in late yesterday? Someone mentioned that you haven't been showing up to work and you're letting projects slide. Is that true?
Worker: No, sir.
Boss: You need to quit your goat toothin' and come clean.
Worker: I'm sorry, sir.

Often goat toothin' is preceded by the phrase "quit your". Anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could revive this phrase and use it at least twice a day. It would mean a lot to me and the advancement of English.

Finally, along the same line, I've been thinking that I might want to aquire a goat. I think it might be hard to keep one in my apartment and I'd be afraid it might eat Cornelius, BUT goat milk soap and goat cheese are so luxurious and I'd love to have easy access. Getting these products at the store is just too expensive. Hence the need for my own personal goat. Maybe I'd name her toothin'.

Riva's Reading List (also titled, my mother will read along with me)

Because there's been a request for my list, here's what it looks like before it's chiseled down. I've read some of these things on my own, but I'm really looking forward to reading for school. I have to write craft annotations for the books I read, which are papers that discuss what the author is doing, how the author does it, and how it relates to my own writing. You can kind of get a sense of what my writing is like by reading this list, but then again maybe you can't.
Quesiton: Riva, are you really going to read along?

1. Lisa Shea Hula
2. Lorrie Moore Birds of America
3. A.M. Homes Safety of Objects
4. Mary Gaitskill Because They Wanted To
5. Antonya Nelson Female Trouble
6. Antonya Nelson Some Fun
7. Tobias Wolff The Night In Question
8. Tobias Wolff Old School
9. Alice Munro Lives of Girls and Women
10. Nathan Englander For the Relief of Unbearable Urges
11. Elizabeth Graver The Honey Thief
12. Karen Lee Boren Girls in Peril
13. Ian McEwan Atonement (Which Jess reads on "Gilmore Girls")
14. Katherine Ann Porter Pale Horse, Pale Rider
15. Singrid Nunez The Last Of Her Kind
16. Scott Snyder Voodoo Heart
17. Cheever Collected Stories
18. Cormac McCarthy Outer Dark
19. Cormac McCarthy Child of God
20. Judy Doenges Most Beautiful Girl In The World
21. Anne Carson Autobiography of Red
22. Paul Lisicky Lawnboy
23. Chekhov Stories
24. Richard Yates Collected Stories
25. Capote Breakfast at Tiffany's and Stories
26. John Gardner The Art of Fiction
27. Julia Checkoway Creating Fiction

I got an RSI writing this so you better appreciate it. love, me

Prince on The Brain

I was walking to school today and the Prince song, "7" came on my ipod. Question posed to anyone who loves Prince and/or has some good insight: Is this song about seven deadly sins? I just made that connection today and I tried to ask my classmates, who as far as I'm concerned are walking zombies since nobody seems to know and love Prince in my program. I even made an announcement before class that if anyone loved Prince to come and talk to me afterwards. Nothing! Okay, so tell me what you think, please. Pay special attention to the verse about the plague and river of blood.

7 by Prince

All 7 and we'll watch them fall
They stand in the way of love
And we will smoke them all
With an intellect and a savoir-faire
No one in the whole universe
Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine
And together we'll love through
All space and time, so don't cry
One day all 7 will die

All 7 and we'll watch them fall
They stand in the way of love
And we will smoke them all
With an intellect and a savoir-faire
No one in the whole universe
Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine
And together we'll love through
All space and time, so don't cry
One day all 7 will die

And I saw an angel come down unto me
In her hand she holds the very key
Words of compassion, words of peace
And in the distance an army's marching feet (1 2 3 4 - 1 2 3 4)
But behold, we will watch them fall

And we lay down on the sand of the sea
And before us animosity will stand and decree
That we speak not of love only blasphemy
And in the distance, 6 others will curse me
But that's alright (That's alright)
4 I will watch them fall (1 2 3 4 5 6 7)

All 7 and we'll watch them fall
They stand in the way of love
And we will smoke them all
With an intellect and a savoir-faire
No one in the whole universe
Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine
And together we'll love through
All space and time, so don't cry
One day all 7 will die

[(Just how old)]

And we will see a plague and a river of blood
And every evil soul will surely die in spite of
Their 7 tears, but do not fear
4 in the distance, 12 souls from now
U and me will still be here - we will still be here

There will be a new city with streets of gold
The young so educated they never grow old
And a, there will be no death 4 with every breath
The voice of many colors sings a song
That's so bold
Sing it while we watch them fall

All 7 and we'll watch them fall
They stand in the way of love
And we will smoke them all
With an intellect and a savoir-faire
No one in the whole universe
Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine
And together we'll love through
All space and time, so don't cry
One day all 7 will die

[(Just how old)]
[(Just how old)]
[(Just how old)]

whoa happy moodswing, here she comes

happiness is meeting with my mentor/professor (a nice jewish gay man) one on one.
i forgot that the reason why i'm doing low-residency is because i like being alone, or in my own grounded world. i don't get a lot from being surrounded by writers all the time. or even a lot of the time. i like knowing other people's processes but that doesn't mean we have anything in common besides writing.
i'm in a whole new good place right now. michael gave me a ton of support AND an amazing book list and feedback session. since tomorrow is the first time one of my manuscripts will be workshopped (one of two that will be workshopped before i leave), it's really good that i feel visible and real and appreciated and so many other good things.
it's so weird to go from falling furhter and further into isolation and disconnection and then to have one talk with a key player and get right back on the horse (yuck, i hate horses. let's say kayak) and keep going.
i am here for a reason. i am going to get a lot out of this.
and while all of that is happening i get to read and write and have a teacher who G-E-T-S me!!!! (i don't know why i just spelled out "gets". maybe it needed to sound like a cheer.)

song of the current moodswing:
"Ask" by The Smiths:

Shyness is nice and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask me I wont say no, how could I?

Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask me I wont say no, how could I?

Spending warm Summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a BUCKTOOTH girl in Luxembourg

Ask me, ask me, ask me
Ask me, ask me, ask me

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the bomb, the bomb, the bomb,
the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb
That will bring us together

Nature is a language - can't you read ?
Nature is a language - can't you read ?

So, ask me, ask me, ask me,
Ask me, ask me, ask me

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the bomb, the bomb, the bomb,
the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb
That will bring us together

If it's not Love
Then it's the bomb
Then it's the bomb
That will bring us together

So, ask me, ask me, ask me,
Ask me, ask me, ask me

Isn't It Ironic, or Is It...

There is nothing worse than waking up with a sense of dread. This day can't be as bad as yesterday or for that matter, the day before, right?
I was just thinking how there's something so wrong with the irony that I can learn SO much about writing and about my creative voice and simultaneously feel like my honest self is not being seen or heard. Maybe that's not the real definition of irony. (After the Alanis Morissette controversy, I never like to refer to things as "ironic", running the risk that like the singer, I don't understand what that word really means.) Anyway, you get the point.
I have to go back there today and I just want to hide out at Kimberley's.
I wish I didn't have to make choices like:
-Should I be honest about who I am and make things weird or be dishonest about who I am and feel invisible?

The song "Desert Island" by The Magnetic Fields feels particularly applicable.

I'm sick of writing gloomy posts, which I think is a passive way of saying, I'm sick of feeling gloomy.
Lots of love to all of you.

Queer Mickey Mouse

Today I became the queer mickey mouse. I made the mistake of coming out and talking about me and Miles and trans stuff in my workshop and before I knew it, there were four ignorant people wanting to have their picture taken with me. Not really, but that's how it felt. I am hiding at home even though I'm supposed to be at a reading. It's nice that my advisor's a gay man, but apparently gay men are out and trans is the hottest dish. This whole things feels so lonely now.

more mixed feelings

even though aimee said not to make any decisions about my experience right now, it can't be helped. judgment is first in my mind.
today, i really missed interlochen. i never thought i would say that. poetry isn't the same here. i miss the magic. i miss the hushed class, the sound of each others' breath as we wait for Dr. Bozanic to inhale each letter, each sound, each word, then exhale emotion, passion, fire. i know it sounds cheesy, but my memory of those classes is of a spiritual experience. i guess it would be asking too much to get that again.
among other things, today we talked about jane kenyon's poem, "Evening at a Country Inn". We spent over an hour and a half on the short poem and if anything, i felt worse than i did before the conversation began. I believe Jane would have wanted so much more from us. I believe we let this poem down.
The rest of the day wasn't much better. Again, too tired to explain. I have three manuscripts to re-read before bed.
I hope tomorrow's better.

Happy Minneapolis Pride!

One More Thing!
Congratulations to Miles and the rest of the Gender Blur Gang for making wonderful big and beautiful puppets for this year's Minneapolis Pride. I wish I could see them in all their glory.
You're here, you're queer, you're fabulous!

whirlwind

school is good, bad, overstimulating, lots of things. i'm supposed to be reviewing 4 manuscripts for workshopping for tomorrow right now. i have to re-read for a class too. but i wanted to say hello and mention that things are a mixture and my emotions are changing all the time. overall, i'm glad to be here and i'm getting a lot out of the experience.
my advisor told me that my work reminds him of lisa shea's, so as soon as i can i'm going to read the book (pictured here). more to come.

oh, and the food is yummy. people keep asking me about that. i guess my standards aren't very high.
off to buckle down with some old fashioned manuscripts.