24 hours and counting...

Yesterday at 7, I went out with Matt M and his mom. Hello! Matt and I haven't seen each other in five frickin' years. He's almost finished with architecture school (following the bob and denise dream) AND he now has a tattoo and stretched ears. Can you believe it? We had a nice, Mexican dinner in the east village full of repressed conversation and pleasantries. Then we dropped his mom off at Grand Central and began a fabulous night of drunken gallavanting. Sloshed. We got sloshed.
[One fun highlight was that I accidentally ran into the guy who is now playing Tarzan while he was signing autographs.]

Anyway, Matt and I did it up right. We went to the only great bar near Times Square, Collins Bar, which I had been to a year or so ago with Kim, who works near there.



We picked out an amazing jukebox set, but I don't think they ever got to ours (and now I can't remember any of it). I love Matt!!! How can you not? Shout out shout out!!

How perfect is it that we live so close and soon he's maybe/hopefully going to start interning in New York?! Forget Philly, man, you've got to come live here. It would be so fun! Matt has gotten taller too! I didn't think that was possible. (I know this is not a very cohesive blog post, but look at how things have been. Cohesiveness is so far down on my list.)

Then around 3 in the morn, we said our goodbyes, (but not for long) and got on separate trains: him back to philly, me back to boston.

I passed out on the train, rocking to my embarassing ipod tunes and got back to kimberley's at 9ish. Then I slept for two hours before loading up my car with all my crap and driving with Kimberley and Cornelius in the pouring rain all the way back to new york.

Why does it feel like everyday is like this? These are such good times, it's ridiculous.

I'm back in the apartment. Kimberley is sleeping, Cornelius is wanting food, and I'm dazed and confused.

Really good news: only 10 or so more boxes of my stuff is in boston. I'm not travelling until Thanksgiving, so I can finally settle in a little. I'm really looking forward to downtime. And now I can see more New York people who I haven't had time to connect with. I am loving my apartment by the by. Cornelius seems at home already.

Oh, Matt! If you read this, I think it's Klaus Deboer. Right?

song that most represents my life right now: One Place by Everything But the Girl

p.s. i discovered that matt shares my love and adoration for grace jones. how much do we so want to follow her around and learn everything? ohhh! a grace jones internship would be heaven!

Check this completely genius video of "i'm not perfect (but i'm perfect for you)." some of you may know i grew up with a huge keith haring obsession. this is totally the best of both worlds.

I Hope I'm Not Becoming Obnoxious. It's Like I'm Happy And I Don't Know How To Handle All This Happiness...

Today:
Wake up at 7 am.
Shower and take one suitcase (no wheels), one backpack, one air mattress, and one laptop bag from Queens to my new home. Drop everything off and inflate mattress/buy toilet paper.
Walk to work. Work.
Set up for big party at work. This is a party to encourage publishers to donate to the store and to thank them for all they’ve done.
Attend party. Feel like I can’t move because there are so many people at the party.
Squeeze out the door.
Walk home.

Buy cereal!!!!

(I still don't have any bowls or utensils, so I'm going to borrow stuff from work. But you know how much I've been wanting cereal. This is such an indicator of the beginning of being grounded in one place.)

And I got honeycrisp organic apples and pumpkin spice granola. (The grocery store on the corner is amazing. I feel like I've been living in Russia rather than Queens. The choices in the East Vill. are endless.)

Got into pajamas and lie down on air mattress for: journal writing, apple and pumpkin spice granola eating, talking on the phone, and blogging.

I feel so fortunate. No matter how chaotic my life feels, I am also constantly aware of how incredibly lucky I am.
I can’t get over how good this all feels. Every day is an adventure. I’ve never felt like that. I want to write more about how all of this living is changing me and teaching me, but right now, I just need to make lists of activities like the one above.

One thing I’ve noticed is that for once, I’m thriving in this stress. There’s so much to do and so many transitions and I’m 89 percent gleeful. That’s new for me.

Tonight is my first night in my very own apartment. Enchantment.

With love and solipsisim, Heidi

Remember how a few days ago I said I don’t like to read books more than once because I panic about wasting time? I must contradict myself. I’m on the train heading back to New York (sixth trip in two months) and I’ve just reread the “Heidi Chronicles”.

Maybe it doesn’t count because it’s not a book book, but a play book, so it’s a faster repeat. Maybe. Because Kim said I’ve always been Heidi and she’s always been Susan, I was desperate to find out who we are (in real life and in theater life).

Susan is “wild, practical, and fifty-percent rayon.”
Heidi is part of a “generation of disappointed women. Interesting, exemplary, even sexy, but basically unhappy. The ones who open doors usually are.”

So this is our destiny. Kim and I read a play in high school English class, way back in arts school; two girls with no idea that our lives would converge again, ten years later in New York. And she’s right. Maybe not exactly right. But the play is about dreams/settling, being unable to avoid idealism, more often than not feeling the disappointment of not having it all, and ultimately finding hope.

But here’s the clincher: Heidi ends up a single mother of an adopted baby and finds herself happy enough. I don’t think I’m ready to be situated between happy and unhappy just yet. (Entitled, yes, but don’t I get points for honesty?) Is happy enough the only choice in the end?

Wow, these train rides really bring out the nostalgia. I’m sitting in the quiet car (no cell phones, HOORAY!) and the rain-streaked windows mixed with pitch black scenery except for moments of street lights and smeared red car lights all equal an inevitable pensive mood. I’m thinking about that high school English class. Reading Equus, Beloved, Dante’s Inferno, The Iliad, Heidi Chronicles. What else? Plath. Our teacher loved Plath. We were a bunch of prematurely jaded kids with an enabling bohemian teacher. Makes me want to seek out all my old classmates who now live in New York and have a reunion.

I was a floater, friends with the artsy folk, the depressed druggies, the fringe of the fringe (Kim), the nerdy than the other nerds kids, the popular girls. Parts of me were all of them. And then other parts of me didn’t belong to any of them. Simultaneously, I had lots of friends and no friends at all. And now all these people are characters I carry with me, and some of them make it into my stories. Who else but a writer thinks that other people are there as extensions of themselves, their greatest benefit being that they can be subjects in fiction? A solipsist through and through.

My trip to see Kimberley was too short. I’ll see her again this Sunday when I go back to Boston to pick up Cornelius, my boxes, my sister, and my car. We’re driving a bunch of my things to my new apartment.

In two days, I move into my new place. “Don’t be scared. Don’t believe you’re all alone” just sang on my IPod. A good sign.

I don’t want to be a conductor, but I might not mind riding this train back and forth between Boston and New York regularly. My brain calms down and everything starts to take shape. I thought I would be afraid of being alone, but moments like these, I honestly love it.
The motion of the train = moving forward.
The four hours sitting in one place = opportunities for deep breaths.

Once again, we’ve arrived at New Haven.

Love,
Heidi

Song of the day: The Shoop Shoop Song (see “Heidi Chronicles” and Gili’s performances as Cher at Florida’s Sunfest Festival in 1991? and numerous family Bat-Mitzvahs including my own.)

Note to Riva: I figured out why we love Munro’s “Lives of Girls and Women” so much. It’s like reading a children’s/young adult book that’s written for adults. Do you know what I mean?

too much breathing

I just promised my mentor that I'll try to take 40 deep breaths each day. I think I may be shooting too high.

Train Ramblings

I’m on the train, heading back to Boston. I was on the phone until 2 in the morning with Riva. She was yelling at me about television. She wasn’t really yelling AT me. Just full of passion. That’s my Riva.

Listening to “Useless Desire” by Patty Griffin and revising my story. My last submission is in and my critique came back. I’m really going to miss working with my mentor but here’s where I’m supposed to say, “Every mentor will have a new and valuable perspective that I can learn from.” Now I just have to believe it.

I’m reading the Sunday Times, too. When I’m finished with a section, I pass it over to the fellow sitting across the aisle and he seems shocked by my willingness to share. At first he refused to take the paper, but I explained to him that I’m DONE with it; it’s okay.

We just arrived at Bridgeport, CT. Connecticut is really weird. I kind of think this country doesn’t need it. Maybe Connecticut should become its own kingdom, with a queen and with its own laws. Maybe the U.S. could strike a deal with Connecticut and make it the special kingdom where all chain stores are located. Starbucks, J. Crew, Banana Republic, and Walmart would have to close down all over the country and open up exclusively in CT. Maybe I’ll write to Bush and see what he thinks.

G-D, I love the train. I love the opportunity to get lost in thought, to spend three and a half hours alone with nothing to distract me from my writing and reading except the scenery. (Okay, that’s a little glorified considering all the cell phone use that I have to tune out by blasting my IPod.) But still, this is one of the prettiest rides. What does it do to my brain when the trees are orange and red? I’ve moved to a beautiful coast!

Speaking of cell phones, I think there should be a National It’s Against The Law To Use Cell Phones In Public Unless It’s An Emergency Day. Sure, people would lose money and valuable corporate time, but who cares? I don’t. Finally, peace and quiet. No, I don’t care what you did last night or what you’re going to do with a client’s stocks. I really don’t. Whatever happened to using your inside voice? My holiday could be called CRIMP-OD: Citizens Regaining Innocence from Mobile Phones Overuse Day.

I can’t wait to see Kimberley and Cornelius. I’ve been having such a good time staying at Kim’s, meeting people at my new job, and running around New York, but I don’t feel grounded. I won’t be moving into my place until next week (the ninth), so I’m still living the nomad’s life. But that’s going to be over soon. I have never lived alone and I’m really excited about having my own space to write, read, dance, scream, sing, walk around naked, make myself tea and coffee (maybe even crumpets. I’m not sure exactly what crumpets are, but it sounds like something a single woman would have with her tea and reading). I kid you not when I say that I’m also excited to have my own place so I can have a bowl of cereal in the morning. I haven’t been eating breakfast in New York and I miss my Heart to Heart. My health has been placed on the back burner (can one place health on a back burner?) and I’m ready to place it back in the deep fryer (how’s that for a misuse of an analogy?).

Last night, I feel in love on the subway. It’s so easy to fall in love with strangers, you know? I was heading back to Queens and there was this boy, drawing in his sketchpad. Things I liked about him:
1. Serious face
2. Pleasantly round with cute glasses
3. Sketching with intensity (His special drawing pens were bundled in a rubber band.)
4. Carrying an old school Nokia cell phone, just like mine. (Nobody has these in New York, so I’m authentically vintage and so was my subway amor.)
5. Unpretentious in dress and accessories (see number four).
I ripped out a page from my journal and wrote, “If you’re straight and single, call me. Why not?” Then I added my name and number. I was going to give it to him when I got off at my stop or slip it to him if he got off before me, but here’s where things went wrong: we got off at the same stop! How could I give it to him and make a getaway? So, I let him go. The note went in the trash. Still he’ll always have a place in my heart, my subway amor. I’m sure there will be others. My heart is a romantic one. A girl with dreams. Maybe I create the world around me that I want to believe in.

We’ve arrived in New Haven.

New York Songs of the Morning: “You Said Something” by PJ Harvey and “New York, New York,” by Ryan Adams

Mountain Dew = Drink of Death

Remember my Mountain Dew overdose? Click here to learn how much of the drink I would have to ingest to die.

According to this website, it would have taken me 179.93 cans of Mountain Dew to be killed.
This link also lists how much caffeine (of any kind) you need to drink in order to stop living. Thanks to Sara's blog, I'm now in the know about the dangers of caffeine. I think it's 90 cups of coffee that would finally do me in.

(Some of you may recall that I had hallucinations of bunnies trying to eat me and people climbing into my window during my Mountain Dew overdose. I haven't touched the stuff since the incident, which happened in college.)

More on New York soon.

*Song of the Day: Girlfriend in a Coma
*Book of the Day: Back In The World by (who else?) Tobias Wolff
*Horoscope of the Day: Rob Brezsny says, "Identify some aspect of your life you tend to regard as inadequate or insufficient, and redefine it to be an asset."
*Expression of the Day: "Cat Got Your Tongue," of which Kim and I have been trying to learn the origins, since we discovered that one of her cats has a tongue thrust.

The Reading Life

I love this comic from the perry bible fellowship (click to enlarge):



Sometimes, when I’m reading, I start to panic. I worry that I’m wasting time on a book that doesn’t deserve the small amount of time I have on this planet. It’s like finding a temporary lover and they’ve got to be good and interesting and exciting or it just ends up being a time-suck. I want to cherish every book I read and my patience is getting smaller. I used to insist on finishing every book I started (which came to a sudden halt after suffering through all of “Sons and Lovers”), but now, it’s 100 pages and then if I haven’t found redemption, I’m on to the next (unless it’s a school thing).

Today, I found out how attached I get to a good book. As I finished the last twenty pages of Tobias Wolff’s “Old School,” I actually had tears in my eyes and may have shed one or two. The ending wasn’t sad, but the fact that the book was coming to an end was tragic. I wanted at least 100 more pages. Tomorrow, I’m going to get another book by him. It’s like I’m going to have more Wolff on the rebound, after having a relationship with him (twice, since I read two different books and loved them both). The only flaw in the analogy is that I loved him, so why would I have broken up with him in order to now be in this rebound situation?

I’m also not a fan of reading books more than once. Passages, sure, but not full books. That’s another fear: That while I’m reviewing, I’m missing out on something new. Some people have a fear of missing out when it comes to socializing. Mine applies to reading.

New York: Day Two

While I was walking to get my TB test today near Christopher Street, I ran into the short-statured man from “Station Agent,” Peter Dinklage. I thought of saying something to him, but I’m too shy and I was star-struck, so I just looked the other way as we passed each other. I had just seen him on a PBS documentary when I was in Boston. On the documentary, his manager was talking about how women don’t feel comfortable saying he’s sexy because he’s a little person. I think he’s sexy. Kim thinks I should have told him. Next time.

Kim, Umber, and I went to see the remake of “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari” at The Pioneer Theater for Halloween. It was fabulously boring and I almost fell asleep more than once. That might have been because first we ate mussels, fancy mac n cheese, and drank a bottle of wine. Or maybe it was the chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting that I shoveled down during the film. I think polarchip would have really enjoyed seeing the movie, but I’m just not enough of an obscure movie buff. Plus, I know this film has all this historical weight, what with its not so obscure references to Germany being asleep while Hitler took control, but I’m not sure why they remade it. Still, it was my favorite Halloween ever, which isn’t really saying much since I usually hate Halloween.

Umber and I bonded over our Chorus Line obsession. She grew up watching the movie over and over too. She doesn’t share my attraction to Michael Douglas, but then, who does?

My favorite free New York activity (this also applies to other cities) is following random people around the city. I’ve been spending a lot of time chasing after strangers as they weave through the streets. This is a great way to get exercise and get my mind in a writer’s mood because I make up personal histories and like to guess about where people are headed. I’m not always right, and sometimes I lose track of folks before they reach their final destination, but it keeps me busy.

Tobias Wolff is once again one of my favorite authors. My semester is mostly over, but I hadn’t had enough of him, so I’m reading “Old School.” His style reminds me of a much better/refined version of my own.

Because my job won’t start for a few days, I might head back to Boston tomorrow after my TB test results. I want to see poor Cornelius (who is not happy about my absence) and my beloved sister, Kimberley (who is not happy about my absence, though I think she is probably not displaying her disappointment in the same ways as Corny).

The weather is gorgeous. The city is gorgeous. I love New York. Love it.

*New York song of the day (this is a new category): Alphabet Street by my fellow Minneapolisian, Prince

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

Okay, folks! I'm going to be working at the raddest nonprofit doing computer-type stuff! Starting tomorrow (maybe?) I'm going to be fully employed at Housing Works.

Here's their website for those who aren't familiar:
http://www.housingworks.org/

I'm really happy to be employed by such a great organization!

On a really sad note, a woman in my MFA program, who I didn't know, passed away this morning from chemo complications. Though I am not sure if I got the chance to meet her, her family is in my thoughts.

On another note, I'm hanging out in Queens with Kim and it's so cool that we're going to live near each other once again. She told me that I'm like Heidi from "The Heidi Chronicles" and she's like Susan. This doesn't mean anything to me since we haven't read this play since high school, but I'm still happy to be in a play with Kim, even if it's only in our imagination. So with my free-time (will I actually have any?) I'm going to refresh myself on that great play.

I already miss Kimberley so much! I know she's only four hours away, but Boston feels like another planet to me. I could not have been more supported or loved and I'm so glad we had the time together. She's a best friend to me. Hopefully, we'll see each other this coming weekend.

Finally, I love you all and will be more in touch now that the job thing is squared away. I'm off to eat lunch and write, write, write.

Supposedly We're In The Middle Of A Nor'Easter

The rain started last night. This might be my first experience with a nor’easter, although I remember being in Massachusetts at summer camp in the early 90s during Hurricane Bob. I don’t know if that was connected to a nor’easter. I’ve certainly had my share of hurricanes, what with growing up in Florida.

Previous to my last trip to New York (two days ago), I was suffering panic attacks and I entertained myself by reading this validating article on caffeine, my drug of choice.
http://www.benbest.com/health/caffeine.html

My favorite part was when they address anxiety head-on:
“There can be considerable individual variation in the response to caffeine. People with high anxiety tend to consume less caffeine. Those who report anxiety due to caffeine usually do not report heightened-alertness, and vice-versa. People who normally consume large amounts of caffeine report more positive mood changes compared to those who consume the caffeine only as part of an experiment. Extroverts show performance improvement with caffeine when doses are large, whereas introverts show performance impairments on large doses.”

I don’t know what the above paragraph means. None of their scientific explanations are spelled out. I mean, how do you know if you have "high anxiety" or what is a large/small caffeine intake? And who decides what makes a person an extrovert/introvert? It’s a mystery. All in all, I appreciate that whatever results I want to find, there’s a study that will prove my point. If I want coffee to be good for me, some scientist will agree it is.

I’m almost positive (99%) that I got the job. I’m really happy because it’s a good organization (read: not evil), I’ll still get to work with books, and I’m going to have good benefits. AND, it’s super closer to my new home. (According to my father, it’s .84 miles.) I don’t think it’s a great sign that I don’t understand if I’ve officially been given the job, but one step at a time.

To do before I leave for New York tomorrow night:
-Finish up most of my final submission work for the semester (I’m totally slacking on my work because I’m too hyped up from everything to settle down. But there’s the whole nor’easter thing, so I’m not leaving the house. Now would be a perfect time to work, if I could chill the heck out.)
-Make sure I have a place to stay
-Clip my fingernails
-Clean Cornelius’ litter box
-Try to stay calm
-A couple hours of belly dancing with Veena and Neena

Going to New York feels like I’m showing up really late to a party that I was supposed to attend years before. And I’ve finally picked out a good outfit, showered, and dressed. I’ll be arriving fashionably late, but hopefully the extra time has allowed me to better prepare for the fiesta.

Between where I’m living (East Village) and working (Soho), I feel like I’m reentering arts high school except on an enormous scale.

Moods are still all over the place. I suppose that will take time. Perhaps I will settle down when I turn 28 in six months? But if Saturn Return is going to hit me like another nor'easter, I'm in trouble. Although I'd like to believe that I started puberty early, so maybe I'm already in Saturn Return and it will end sooner for me.

I Think I Got The Job?!!!

I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I think I got the job. The people I interviewed with yesterday just called and left a message saying they were very impressed with me. They also sent me an email!

I need to call them back, but they need me to come in right away and I'm four hours away in Boston. (of course, they don't know I'm not in new york yet.) What the heck! I'm so overwhelmed. Plus, I am horribly behind on my school work. Oy Oy!

But I got the job...I mean, they didn't say that, but they want me to come in right away and I don't know why else I would have to come in.

Confusion! Excitement! More confusion!

Tell Me Everything I Need To Know

Please help!
I have a job interview on Thursday in New York (I can't say where because I don't want to jinx it) but I really need help with web stuff. If you know about the internet, please say so, and I will pick your brain. Please please please help.

Promises Made, Promises Broken

I promised myself I would read two hours of Cheever (and maybe finish him off) before internetting, but then, when have I ever followed though completely? Why be inconsistent now?

I feel like that emotional ESP us bloggers were having recently is back, but now it's related to having no time and tons to do and say. I've spent the past two days absorbed in my writing and I think I'm starting to notice some patterns I have when it comes to revision. I'm all about starting with a morsel, expanding to a point where I'm worried my stories are going to become novels, then contracting back to something close to the essence of the work.

My dreams have been vivid, which might be because I've had dairy (pizza) for the past couple of days. Usually I don't eat dairy. It's the only changed variable in my routine.

As I mentioned to a friend recently, I feel like moving to New York is asking to get a flogging. I mean, the west coast is such a leisurely life in so many ways. SF was about being coddled until I couldn't take it any more. The midwest was a year of living at a resort, where my obligations were few and the pressure of life was limited. But New York. New York is all about enjoying a good beating. I'm looking forward to it. (Not being sarcastic.)

I’ve started to think a lot about why I write. At first, I believed it had to do with my need to have a voice that’s my own in a world where there are so many voices. There’s something very colonizing about that. If I can have my say, then I’m alive. But then I started to think that the reason I write is because it’s much more gratifying than living. I’m not very good at being a person. I can fake it, but really, I don’t know how to do the things that people do. Or I feel awkward doing them. I’ve always felt like I’m on the outside, watching things happen but never being fully a part of them. But when I write, I have my own world that I’m fully included in and I have control over my characters (to some extent). It’s not that I always want to be in their world. It allows me to feel that all of my time spent observing the world around me without ever feeling like I’m completely in it is relevant and helpful in this one thing I do. I give myself permission to feel less troubled by my inability to fully be in the world because there’s another area of my life where I benefit from being on the outside.

Here's a favorite Cheever quote before heading off to bathe with my book... "Fifty percent of the people in the world are homesick all the time.... You don't really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don't have, or haven't been able to find."

Today I Performed A Mitzvah

1. You know how in health class or DARE class (you know, the drug prevention one that worked so well) there tends to be hand-outs with drawings in primary colors of little children helping old people across the street? I was just IN one of those drawings. I swear to you, I was walking home and this little old lady in a long blue coat with bright white hair asked me to help her cross the street. She had grocery bags and everything. I was smitten. I held her hand, which was my favotie part of the whole experience. She had soft, dry tiny hands. I was thinking about how once upon a time, this woman could have been a young hipster, too cool for school, and would never consider holding a stranger's hand. We started the long walk across the street to the bus stop. At one point I said, "Am I going too fast?" and she answered, "this is fine, just fine." I feel like I just crawled out of a Dick and Jane book. It was such a beautiful moment.

2. I've given up on the tranquil happiness thing. It's just not me.

3. I'm finally getting a lot of writing/revising going. Maybe it was too hard to buckle down while the seasons were still changing but now that it's undeniably fall, I feel a lot more settled in my work.

4. Today I signed the lease for real. It's happening.

5. Song right now: A Place Aside by Beth Orton

Sleepy Thoughts

Let’s face it, I’m never going to write that blog I promised from my trip to New York. I just am too tired and don’t feel like back-tracking.

So here’s what’s new since I’ve been back:

On the T there was a college-aged guy wearing a blogger t-shirt (it was blue with the website’s B logo in orange). I really wished I had a camera phone because he really embodied this whole site in my mind. He was dorky (reading what looked like a really nerdy book called Secret Parts of Fortune), with just a hint of coolness in his shaggy but groomed haircut. He had bad facial hair and no hair on his arms. I started wondering if it was a sign. Do I blog too much, am I turning into that much of a nerd, am I already that much of a nerd, does it matter? I wanted to go ask him if he worked for blogger and exchange blog addresses, but I also wanted to run in the opposite direction. All because of his t-shirt. And then I began thinking of other websites and wondering what people would look like if they were a website. What would hotmail look like or friendster or myspace or craigslist. I mean, we know what Craig from craigslist looks like, but he doesn’t really look like what I imagine the site would look like if it was a person. Do I look like a website? Which one? Etc.

New topic: Kimberley and Katherine (she’s also an Obie, which is weird. Is my whole world revolving around Oberlin suddenly?) baked me a surprise banana bread to celebrate my new home in New York. It was so sweet of them.

Today I talked to my friend, Kasey, who lives in Minneapolis, and it was so good to hear that he’s doing well and taking care of himself. I mean, I feel like he and I are both trying to learn to be alone (he also just got out of a four year relationship) and to do things that we love. The last time I talked to him, he wasn’t so hopeful and it’s nice to see him so actively involved in his art and to feel like he’s taking the reins of his life. It’s empowering to see other people working on making their lives better.

The hard thing is not letting go of the relationship. The hard thing is learning to be alone. On the train going to New York, I saw all these beautiful colors and trees and lakes and I realized that I can see them with my own eyes and absorb all of its essence and not ever share it with another person. These can be my own discoveries. I can read an amazing passage in a book and love it and I can choose to share it with another person or keep it as my own. I’m just so used to telling another person everything that happens in my life and in my brain that I’m kind of savoring all these private moments I get to have with myself. Do you know what I mean? It feels so new and good and sometimes it’s lonely but sometimes it’s just like reading under my comforter in the cold. I have no idea if that makes sense.

I walked outside this afternoon and there was another amazing package from Aimee. I loved the typed letter on the homemade paper, the homemade Cornelius toy, the paper cut-outs, the rock. It was perfect. (No surprise there.) I know you (Aimee) said you’re learning about receiving things without reciprocating and I think I do that too. I start to wonder about what I can give back right away. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I like the cycle, the exchange.

Tonight I went to Filene’s with Kimberley. They’ve been going out of business for months. I found this dress that’s long and dark brown (my favorite) and cotton and a little too big and has tiny straps. It’s like a long lightweight sundress. Originally it cost 56 dollars and the saleswoman sold it to me for 8 dollars because it was missing a sweater or something. I felt like she was giving me a present, just for taking it off her hands. I’m excited about lying around in it. I’m going to christen it my First New York Apartment Dress.

Today is my half birthday. Since I turned 27, so much has happened. Geographically, I've been to Minneapolis, Duluth, New York, Boston, Chicago, and back and forth between places a ridiculous amount of times. I've ended a relationship, lost a best friend, gained new friends, strengthened others, found a new home in New York, danced as hard as I could, read tons of books, written new work, applied to six billion jobs, and so much more. I can't believe how much has happened in six months. I'm curious (and a little frightened, but also excited) to see what the next six months will hold.

I’m still fighting this ridiculous cold (though it’s just lingering at this point) so I’m laying low tonight.

My Best Friend, Riva Helps Me Feel Better Every Day

I know I said I don't have time to post, and I don't, but now I absolutely have to.

Guess what came in the mail today? Two weeks late!!!

Riva sent me an amazing package filled with 4 fruit leathers, one Scharffen Berger dark chocolate bar, a Burt's Bee Honey lip balm, a Bratz Pez dispenser (this is too weird. I don't think I can bring myself to eat Pez out of a Black woman's bust, but who knows), one Manner hazelnut cream filled wafer bar, a cocoa flavored panda licorice bar, robot stickers, cat stickers, old gili and riva stickers, a Ben & Jerry's gift certificate, a "I read banned books" button, one of those monster finger puppets (that i currently have on my pointer finger), a spiffer manicure pen, an amazingly hot picture of Riva from the library's short skirt day (this is a good reminder of why there once was a big crush that began our friendship eight years ago), a MBTA card with money still on it, a copy of Camera Obscura's "Lets Get Out of This Country," a copy of The Be Good Tanyas "Chinatown," and a card that insists that Riva loves me more than the Gilmore Girls and more than chocolate cupcakes!!!!

This package was SOOOO worth waiting for!

I don't know what I did to deserve this. Breaking up sucks, but gifts don't.

Unfortunately, the hot picture of Riva isn't available online, but since we're such hams, here's one of us from two years ago (when we still had short hair and I was still a Californian. So much has changed, but my love of Riva hasn't.)

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

p.s. Still not able to post about NY because I have to get to the train soon. Just had to send big thanks right away. Love you.
p.p.s. I used to think nothing good came out of going to Oberlin, but where would I be without all of you now?

Right Around The Corner = The Time Of My Life

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! I have so much to write. But I’m saving it for tomorrow. Here’s the exciting news!

I’m moving to a basement studio in the east village! Believe it!

And it’s really reasonably priced and not as small as it could be. I am freaking out!

I was texting a bunch of people on the train home and my friend Kim’s text made me cry. When I told her I’m afraid of the move, she texted, “Don’t b scared-the time of yr life is right around the corner, my friend. Gili + nyc= awesomeness!”

Here are some craigslist pictures of my new home. Sure, it’s not fancy pantsy, but come on, this is new york, what do you want from me?

I’m tired and wired and need sleep. I haven’t called a friend of mine back in Minneapolis for a few days because I had a bad cold and then I was afraid I would start crying on the phone and not be able to stop, but now all is looking up, so I’m free to socialize again. Did I mention I’m moving for real? November 9th, baby. I hope Kim is right.

P.S. Riva recommended The Killer’s Tears, another young adult book that’s almost on the same amazing level as Walk Two Moons. Definitely check it out for all you new Walk Two Moons fans.

P.P.S. Song for train rides: Colors and the Kids by Cat Power

P.P.P.S. I had a poppyseed hammentaschen today (and it was only two blocks from my new home!!!) I have found heaven.

Best Sukkah In Somerville, Hands Down

perfection

our etrog (the lemon)

Kimberley and the Hanging Produce

Me and the unbreakable Sukkot chain

Hottest Sukkah Ever!

p.s. truth be told, we didn't actually know what sukkot was about. we googled it last night and discovered (surprise, surprise) it has something to do with wandering in the desert and building huts. i'm not sure how it became a fall harvest celebration or what bananas and apples have to do with it, but who cares?
p.p.s. I saved Kimberley from plummeting to her death as she pasted the stars to the ceiling of our Sukkah.
p.p.p.s. last night Kimberley and I wrote several Sukkot Haiku. We didn't write them down, it was more of an oral thing. Sadly, I can't remember them now.

It's Good To Be A Jew! (Also Titled I'm Co-President of The No More Boundary Pushers Club, Wanna Join?)

Friday:
*Got MORE incredible art from Aimee. The envelope she sent has been going back and forth between us and is well loved. Artists are so smart. Especially Aimee.

*Received feedback from my mentor. He’s a fan of my revisions, which is such a relief. I thought this was my worst submission period, but he didn’t agree. One of my stories is really coming together. Now, I have to dive into another one.

*Went dancing with Kimberley. We got there and it was pretty empty. We rocked out even though the music sucked. Then events went as follows:
-The music keeps sucking so K and I ask if we can suggest a song or two. The DJ lady insisted that she had already picked out the music for the rest of the night!
-(Many of the men at this place have tried to hit on me or my sister and have gotten the clear message that we’re not interested. There are only two guys that we are slightly interested in, but not really. K’s pick is too shy and my pick is too much of a guy, so I can’t really spend my time pursuing him. I’m there to dance with K and that’s that.) One of the guys doesn’t know me at all and last night he decided to try and dance with me.

Him: wanna dance?
Me: no
Him: it could be fun
Me: no
Him: have you been here before?
Me: yes
Him: sure you don’t want to dance?
I walk away. I already AM having fun. I already AM dancing. Leave me alone!!! What is with this boundary pusher epidemic? No means no! Can't a couple of women have fun without men getting all up in our business?)

-Then I really wanted to go. They didn’t want to play good music and the sleazy men were in attack mode.
-Before we left, we must steal from these evil dancing people. So K and I grab two bags of Pepperidge Farms cookies and head out the door.
-But wait! Landmine at the bus stop! Shuva, one of the innocent dancers, is waiting at the bus stop. So we hide the bags of cookies in our coats (mine was under my armpit) and keep them there through the bus ride home). She’s talking on and on (her English is not great and we have no idea what she’s saying) but meanwhile, our coats are bulging with stolen treats.
-We donated one bag of cookies to the homeless (so Robin Hood of us) and kept the ginger men cookies for ourselves, promptly eating ¾ of the bag upon entering K’s home.

Saturday:

*Kimberley and I are celebrating Sukkot, one of my favorite Jewish holidays! As soon as K gets back from acupuncture, we are converting her porch into a Sukkah.

*Today we bought: 6 apples, a bunch of bananas, a lemon, construction paper (very important for making paper chains, which are an essential Sukkot ingredient. see picture), shiny stars, white grape juice, string, and tape. We’re going to collect leaves and tape them to the porch. And make a little bowl of spices to add to the overall autumn-ness of the event.

*Later, we’re going to make Sukkot Kugel and pumpkin muffins and say some prayers under our beautiful Sukkah. We’re supposed to sleep under the Sukkah and watch the stars, but I think that’s a little too Ortho for us.

*A very happy Sukkot to all the Jews and Jews for Jesus in the crowd!

Songs of the day:
The Chain: Fleetwood Mac (in honor of construction paper chains for Sukkot)
Autumn Sweater: Yo La Tengo (in honor of autumn)
Maneater: Hall & Oates (in honor of K and my response to gross men)

Bathing With Smart Writers

Yesterday:
*Spent two hours and ten minutes in the bathtub with Katherine Anne Porter. Pale Horse, Pale Rider is so intense. All three stories in the collection blew me away.
*Ate about half a box of Kashi Heart to Heart honey roasted cereal (is anyone else addicted to this?)

Today:
*Procrastinating on my annotation by writing about Porter on my blog. (I just read online that she was friends with a Nazi. A friend of the Nazis is no friend of mine. And she loved horses! Now, that's a deal-breaker. But it's inescapable, she was an incredible writer.)
*Starting my big old Cheever book (perhaps another bath is in order).
*Revise, revise, revise my own work
*Drink more coffee
*Maybe go dancing again with Kimberley and Debbie. (Since I didn't run this morning, I need to shake my tush.)
*I promised myself no internet until I finished my outline for my Porter annotation. I've got to get off of this computer before it swallows me whole.

"Hey! Do You Want To Come Out, and Play The Game? It's Never Too Late."

Fall is here. This weekend the leaves are supposed to change colors in a big way. Fall is my second favorite season after
Spring because I like hot apple cider, quilts/snuggling, hot baths, orange and yellow and red.

For the few of you that might have noticed, I was without my phone for the past week. I wasn't really without it, but I wasn't feeling like I could communicate with the outer world. While I was in seclusion, I read and wrote a lot, ran daily, ate lots of bananas (great for depression), and atoned on Yom Kippur.

Kimberley and I got pedicures yesterday (Kimberley's first time) and went dancing. I love my sister a lot and she's totally my match humor-wise. For whatever reason, Kimberley (sometimes) introduces herself as "Palestine." She likes to see how people will react. It kind of reminds me of another person (you know who you are) who made up stories in college about being married off after her senior year. Anyway, Kimberley told the pedicure people that her name is Palestine. That's my brilliant sister.

Whoever left "Century Plant" on my voice mail, this morning you made me cry (in a good way). I think there's only one possible person who would think to do that. If you haven't seen "Camp" the movie, it's not to be missed. If you were an arts school/arts camp kid, this movie is for you. Person who left message, how did you call me from a Virginia phone number? I'm confused. I'm no longer cell phone free. Let's talk.

I've been noticing a dramatic increase in melancholy on the blogs I read. Is there something collective going on (like when girls living together get their period at the same time)? Anyway, I hope it's a passing thing. My spirits are starting to lift.

Middle of next week, I go back to New York for the third housing attempt. Let the games begin/continue.

favorite hair care product: Frizz Ease Step 2 Conditioner
favorite bubble bath product: Aveda Energizing Body Cleanser

happy vs. HAPPY; Spork vs. Spark

I was reading in Kimberley’s Stanford alumni magazine about this psychology professor, Jeanne Tsai, who studies happiness. She says, “European-Americans aspire more often to a high-energy elation… However people raised in more collective Asian cultures aspire more often to a tranquil joy.” I’m definitely Euro-American based on that analysis (and on everything else), but ever since I read that article, I’ve been really aware of my ideas of happiness. I’m trying to slow my pace and feel good about my life. Mostly, the big change is I’m taking baths almost every night. But I can feel myself moving through the world differently.

Speaking of this slower pace, sometimes I feel like I’ve got so much energy, there isn’t room for others to relate to me. I’ve been thinking about the difference between a spork and a spark. (The dictionary says a spork is a combination of a spoon and a fork and a spark is an electrical discharge.) I think some of my relationships tend to be more sporky than sparky. Here are my own definitions:

A spork relationship: One in which two things try to fit together but don’t. As one unit, they are still functional, with their own unique humor, but a spork relationship is not sustainable or practical. It’s unheard of for most people to use sporks instead of spoons and forks. There just isn’t a demand. Spork relationships can be fun and silly, but they exist based on their tchotchke appeal more on anything else.

A spark relationship: Full of stimulation. Long lasting based on a mutual desire to discover new things about each other. The key word is “mutual”. Art, fire, electricity, change, and in most cases life require a spark.

So my Rosh Hashanah goals include:
-Learning to find a balance between a high-energy and a tranquil sense of happiness
-Creating more spark relationships

Losing A Best Friend

There’s nothing easy about ending a friendship. It’s been really hard to go from being attached at the hip to someone for four years to knowing it’s all over. One of the worst parts is that my whole idea of the person has changed. I think in a lot of ways I was blind to certain elements of the person and to our relationship. I’m a believer and I put a lot of work into relationships, but sometimes I don’t know when to let things go. This is the time when I evaluate what’s happened and also let myself grieve. I want to feel like I’ve learned and that I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Every day is different now. I was talking to a Bay Area friend of mine the other night and she said that age 27 is the year of really high highs and really low lows. It’s completely true. I’d like to move out of that soon. Maybe I can fake it and pretend my birthday is sooner than April.

I was saying to someone that it’s weird thinking about how people break-up every day all over the world. Sometimes I think that I’ll be better off alone for a long time. I thought I would want to get in another relationship, but I think I really need time to feel what it’s like to stand on my own two feet.

Some moments, I just want to sit around and let it all sink in. Others, I want to keep moving.

What I’ve got: my writing, good friends and family, the financial help to start a life in New York, and Cornelius.

I know everything will get better with time; I just wish I could be a more patient person.

Perfect Timing!

I just got home from a day of soy lattes, beautiful weather, running, and generally feeling better. I worked on my writing and feel like I'm catching up with the work I need to be doing.

Guess what! A new package arrived from Aimee. Happiness is art from a friend. This was the perfect time for me to get such an amazing gift. It's like you knew.... Thanks for brightening my day!

And a big thanks to everyone for being so supportive. I'm so lucky to have so much community and love and support.

No More Settling

Per Aimee’s advice, I am going to visualize all the things that I want in my life. Now that I’m not settling for second rate, I will make a list of what I want in a house, a job, and a relationship. I’m finally going for what I truly want and I believe I can have it.

Housing: hardwood floors, studio, under $1000, close to subway, in Astoria, sunny, a happy home for Cornelius, closets, heat/hot water, reasonably priced utilities, quiet neighbors, safe building, big enough to have a queen size bed, bookshelves, a writing area, good cell phone reception, big enough kitchen area to cook for myself, space to do my belly dancing dvds

Job: respectful and trusting boss, stable hours, not a huge time-suck so I can work on my writing, smart coworkers, the work should be at least stimulating part of the time, good pay and benefits, nothing that puts evil into the world, not a horrible commute, my work stays at work

Relationship: someone who is as smart as me, someone I’m physically attracted to, an honest person who likes themselves, Really important: they must be passionate about something and willing to put their heart into it (this doesn’t have to be writing, it can be anything, but they can’t have a flat-line personality), someone who understands their own emotions and works on themselves, someone who challenges me and knows how to be a friend, someone who isn’t afraid or ashamed of who they are

I really feel like all these things are possible. I know they won’t all come right away, but now that I’m moving in the direction I want to be going, I feel like good things are out there. I’m going to try and read this list every other day to remind myself of the things I can have.

Desperate Times Call For Extraterrestrials

Um, so I am back in Minneapolis and I was cruising craigslist when I discovered this amazing job opportunity. Ah, the life of a writer. I did not make this up! It's a real craigslist ad. Well, dad and mom, is it better than temping?

***************
Looking for Co-Author - Great Book Idea

I've been working on a book for few years and need help to finish it.
It is about soul journeys of well-known people such as Einstein, Jefferson, Dali and another 9 celebrities. It is fiction. It is based on astrology, extraterrestrial societies (also Robert Shapiro) and (lyrical) fantasy. It describes journeys of these souls through the universe, and also the preparation for earth and the fascination with it. I have already minimum 20 pages on each person.
I published fiction before, but not in the States.
Thanks,
Zoran

Compensation: No Compensation - Agreement
**********************

(So maybe temping would be better?)

Never Forget Fascism It Is Here

This is a picture of the marquee in downtown Duluth. (We took this picture six months ago, but Duluth doesn't change that much.) I like the daily reminder that fascism still exists.

I'm hanging out in my hotel room in Duluth. I really love this town. It's so nice to be on Lake Superior. For the first time in my life, I visited a nursing home yesterday. I sat with Bubbie and Zaddie while they ate dinner. My zaddie is doing really well. It's nice to see him with more energy. They had just watched "Good Night and Good Luck" and my bubbie loved it but they both thought it was too long. I told her I was bored and she told me it's because I'm too young to understand. Naturally.

She really wants to see "Angels in America," but my copy is in Boston and I didn't bring it because I didn't know she wanted to see it. If she thinks "Good Night and Good Luck" is long, wait until she watches "Angels in America." But she can watch it in parts.

Today I went running and then I've been working on my Lorrie Moore annotation. I have to stop myself from saying how much I hate her book, but I do conclude with comments about how she seems to write a lot of things just to prove she's witty. I know my mentor will disagree since everyone at my school worships her, but there you have it.

It's good to finally get some work going. I've been slacking a lot since the great New York search. I think I'm going to find a place in Astoria. I'm interested to know more about Greenpoint. Is it too Oberliny? A few people have suggested it to me. Keep the suggestions coming. I've got to remember to visualize my dream job and home so I can make it happen.

Note to my big sister: I can't wait to see your new glasses!!!
Note to Riva: where are you?
Note to self: don't ever watch "The View" again.

Update: I just went to dinner with my hillarious Bubbie. She told me that she used to hang out with a couple of other girls when she was a kid. And they used to call people RB's (which is Rich Bitches). Naturally, I'm scandalized.

Life of the Unemployed Commuter

Last night I had a dream there were all these huge red birds (parrot-size, but not parrots, like gigantic cardinals or something) in my front yard in Florida. My mom, of course, was not interested in all, since she hates nature, but my dad got out all these bird books and we were trying to figure out what they were. One of the baby birds got stuck in my bathtub and we were trying to save it. We got the little guy out and he flew back to one of the gigantic nests in the tree. Then a bunch of tourists came to our house to look at the birds. Before we could get close, the birds flew away. What does it all mean?

I'm off to Minneapolis this morning. I hope that I don't die of dehydration since I'm not allowed liquids on my flights. Anything to help prevent terrorism.

(Oh! This fantastic picture is one of the many google images finds. Apparently, this man named Joe Cover was a boxer at the University of Minnesota. Maybe I'll see him while I'm there.)

I'm fighting a cold (from all the travel) so last night I watched four hours of Degrassi Junior High. I watched the one where Snake's brother comes out of the closet and it made me wonder what I was feeling when I sat through that episode in my 8th grade health class. I wonder if I felt embarassed or indifferent or what. Anyway, I'm glad in the end Snake accepts his brother and comes to understand that just because his all-star athlete/med-school/over-achieving brother is gay, doesn't mean he will be. And all in a half an hour's time! If I were Snake, I'd want to be gay because not only is his brother a homo, he's also better at everything than Snake.
I also watched the one where Wheels' parents get killed by a drunk driver. Covering all the bases. They really raised the stakes since Wheels was in a fight with his parents right before they died. I guess the lesson is never to fight with your parents. No, that can't be right.

****
Music of the day:
Degrassi Junior High Theme Song

Wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely,
Gee, I gotta go to this school.
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take,
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But when I look around and see,
that someone is smiling right at me,
wait, someone talkin' to me, hey, I gotta new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you gotta do is believe,
let's be honest with yourself, forget your fears and doubts,
come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High.
******
Off to the midwest...

So Much For That...

Yesterday, I interviewed for a job only to learn that they thought I had an MSW. Hello, read my resume. No where does it indicate any such thing.

And, I spent a long time in the rain waiting for the possible roommate. After meeting and hanging out for an hour, I came back to Boston. She had to find out for sure if the place could have cats. She just called and said she's really sad to tell me they can't.

So back to square one.

I guess I'm moving in with the first person afterall.
Still no job...
Sigh.

98.9% Sure

Got home about 12:30. Really, really tired. I left this morning at 8:15 am so it's been a day of it.

And the rain.

Let me tell you something. New Yorkers do nothing lightly including rainfall. And of course I wouldn't buy an umbrella since combined, Kimberley and I have five. Not that I brought one of them to NY with me.

Anyway, lots of annoying things about this trip. But I'm moving in the direction of actually living there.

I've come to love that place on the corner of 38th and (I think) 7th, but it could be 8th ave. It's near Penn Station. The place with the extensive and not over-priced salad bars. You'd know it if you saw it. (Notice this nice picture of olde time new york I found. selling ties for only 35 cents! also, i just realize there's no "cents" sign on a mac keyboard. is that true or am i a fool?)

I never thought I'd say this but it's good to be back in Somerville.

Just finishing a 1 am bowl of my new favorite cereal, Vive by (groan) kashi.

I supposed sleeping is next on my list.

New reading material: Collected stories of Katherine Anne Porter (including Pale Horse, Pale Rider)
New music: anything where I can't hear other people talking on their cell phones.
New favorite pet: psych! cornelius forever!!!

The Life Of A Dysfunctional Metronome

So, tomorrow afternoon I have another interview in the Bronx. Then I’m going to try to meet up with my other possible roommate.

Back and forth, back and forth…

I can’t believe how all over the place I am right now.

Tomorrow, off to Bronx and Brooklyn.
Then, Monday, I leave for Minneapolis and Duluth.
Then I come back to Boston a week later.
And finally, I move to Brooklyn on the first of October.

It’s not like me to be this go, go, go.
I’m excited to get to settle down a bit.

Went out dancing last night with Kimberley. At first, the music was kind of slow. We requested Prince and the bisexual DJ must not know anything about Prince because he played “Pop Life,” which is a good song, but not a fast dance song. The music started to pick up and we really got down. I’m going to miss our dance-a-thons when I’m not living here.

Oh! Kimberley and I saw a guy on his bike get hit by a car last night. He was okay, but it made me think about when I hit was on my bike and hit Adrian on his bike. So scary.

Fruit of the day: avocado

p.s. I realize this image is incredibly cheese-ridden but I couldn't help myself. I heart google images.

Park Slope, Baby!

So, I'm doing it! I'm taking the home in Park Slope in early October. I'm really excited, but also worried.

Excitement:
-perfect location (right above the tea lounge and across the street from the coop)
-nice roommate (we're alike, but also different, and I feel like we could get along well.)
-cute place (she did a good decorating job)
-great roof views (i can't wait to tak pictures from the roof, you can see everywhere and it's stunning.)
-not super expensive

Worries:
-our cats won't get along (we're going to give it a trial run and if it doesn't work, I'll find somewhere else)
-very small (no common space, small bedroom, tiny kitchen)
-not a lot of fresh air circulating through the place (not great when there will be two cats involved)

Wish me luck! Now I just need a job...

Yesterday, All My Troubles Seemed So Yesterday

Yesterday Kim and I had a Queens brunch at 2:30 pm. Yup, it took a while to get going. My whole day was so NY food. Or at least NY food that I only partake in when I'm here.

I had:
a mimosa, a Mexican omlette (okay, but I need to stop eating Mexican food outside the Bay Area), three cups of coffee (Greek-style), and some potatoes.

We went to the Upper East Side so see this gallery that was featuring women comic artists. It could have been more extensive, but I loved the show. The gallery woman hadn't heard of Vanessa Davis, so I put in a plug for our high school superstar. Check out these two women who are new to me (I don't know how to hyperlink, so just google 'em): Debbie Dreschler and Diane Noomin (see picture). (They even had some Roz originals, which I know isn't original, but I was excited. Oh, and they had that woman who does those great pictures for The Drama Magazine, Miles. The ones we had hanging up in Mpls.)

Then we walked and walked, stopping at Gracious Home for Kim's attempt at retail therapy. I've never seen such practical purchases: a shoe holder and a catch for the kitchen sink. But it made her happy and I aim to please.

We were looking for a combo of coffee for me and ice cream for Kim. I refused every Starbuck's in an attempt to prove that we didn't have to stoop so low. And by 6:45, we didn't! We found our new tradition: Follow Me Cafe, the cutest and yummiest little place where we will gather a week before Kim's birthday (as it is now) every year that we live in the city.

I ate: hummus with warm and fresh foccacia, two lattes, and half of this warm apricot,vanilla ice cream, walnuts, and chocolate sauce dessert.

Then we spent twenty minutes in Duane Reade while I chose the perfect hair bands and concealor, since I left mine in Queens.

After this, we parted ways so I can meet up with the always wondrous Tara. We caught up, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and back, and had a grand time. We've never lived in the same city so if I live here, it's going to be a whole new level of friendship. How excellent.

Eventually, I hopped a train back to Queens and met Kim and her friend (the one who thinks I look like Nelly Furtado) back at the place where I had my morning brunch. I had half a mojito (this time, delicious).

Finally, Kim and I found a tape of School of the Arts (the high school we went to before I moved to Interlochen) and let me tell you, I was such a ham. (Shocking!) I demanded camera time in every single thing we did. We watched two hours of game shows. I cannot believe they considered our classes educational. It's amazing what we got away with. Hours of complete silliness and inappropriateness.

When Kim and I were in a television class (we were both communications majors), our teacher lost herself. She was this normal, great woman who looked like a tv anchor and taught us all about the biz. One day, she stopped wearing makeup. The next day, her hair stopped being sprayed. Then, she came in and said something horrible to one of the heavier students in the middle of class. The same day, she called one of the kids in my class a "faggot." I really wish we had it on tape. The whole thing was completely surreal. He had just jumped on a plastic bag full of grapefruits while wearing a red rain slicker (it was for a game show). The grapefruit got all over the camera and she got so angry. Kim thinks she also threw a paper towel dispenser at him. I don't know about this. Anyway, next thing we knew, rumors were flying and she was fired. Kim remembers hearing that she caught her husband in bed with another woman and burned her house down. Ah, Florida. I just thought she was going through a rough divorce. The next time I saw her, she was working at a Natural Foods Store as a cashier in a plaza near my house. I was so ashamed for her that I didn't go back for a long time. Good old Palm Beach County School of the Arts.

Today's plan: buy Kim an early birthday brunch at the place of her choice, pack up and ship off to Boston. Hopefully I can get some reading done on the train. I'm so behind on school stuff.

p.s. I'm routing for Kim to have a blog.
p.p.s. song of the hour: anything Muzak, since I've decided working for Muzak could be a dream job.

here's the picture where we're twins

check it out

Nelly Furtado

Kim's friend thinks I look like Nelly Furtado.

Holy Land

I have been born again!

I arrived in NYC on the Acela Express (I know, travel in style) and met my parents for a salad. Guess where we went??? None other than the famous Skylight Diner. I kept picturing Ellen sitting across from me, playing with her latest digital accessory, eating three plates of food, and never blinking an eye.

Then they walked me to Times Square where I met Kim (not my sister, another Kim that I went to palm beack county school of the arts with) at her job at Nickelodeon. She has a signed picture of none other than Donovan (ie. Blues Clues guy) who I went to Interlochen with after I left PBCSOA. Small and weird world. What was more exciting was her signed Hanson autograph AND her personalized/signed TLC picture.

We went out for dinner in Park Slope, since I was looking at a place there. we had the worst mojito of our lives, which we sent back for the worst sangria of our lives. I'm convinced they took a bottle of Manishevitz and poured it into cups, sliced up three pieces of citrus for the rim, and called it "Sangria." Anyway, live and learn. Don't go to Park Slope for mojitos or sangria.

After looking at the apt. which was super cute but I think the other cat would terrorize Corny, we came back to Queens where Kim lives. We spent hours looking up people from high school as I grew more and more frightened of them.

One girl, who I won't mention her name here, is one of those never-a-child types. Do you know what I mean? She was always bizarrely adult in her behavior except for her strange, snorting laugh. I don't know how to understand her as a person. But as a wise man once said, people are not to be understood (Miles). But now he's retracting that.

Finally, it's early Saturday morning. Kim's still sleeping. I think we're going to go check out more places in Prospect Park and Crown Heights for my possible living situation. If you know of good Brooklyn places that I might like, tell me!!!

Tonight I might go to the beer garden with Kim and friends or I may try and catch up with Tara. Maybe Matt will come see me, too.

Aimee: I don't know what I want to do for work. I got a second interview with a queer youth org. but it's in long island which sounds really far and not fun. I really don't know what I want to do. please, please suggest away!

Oh! Though everyone on the train was too fun to talk with to read a lot, I did start The Night In Question by Tobias Wolff and it's a million times better than Lorrie Moore. (Riv, skip straight to this after you read the librarian story.)
Music: Digital Love by Daft Punk

87% Decided

After much banter with the loved ones, I've decided that there is no other choice for me. I must fulfill my destiny and move to New York. I think I'll move in October or around then. I'd like to be settled in a place before winter.

Feel free to help me find housing and a job. All advice is welcome.

Happy Day!

Having a couple days of an active social life with Beth, Grace, Kimkim, and Aleah. That's been helpful/nourishing.

I am so ridiculously happy because I got my mentor's latest response to my last submission. He likes my new story! I've got to brag a little now:

...I would have cottoned to your story because it involves such a deliciously complex mix of subjects and emotions - sex, death, religion, history, masculinity, coming of age - and because it explores these themes not in the abstract but through a compellingly tangible and engaging plot. The setting is richly detailed and believable. There's humor. There's pathos. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats!

The structure is simple but appropriate and effective: a frame narrative, in which we begin with a moment of high tension, backtrack to explain how the character ended up there, and then carry the action quickly to its conclusion.

The prose is crystal-clear and true. Your sentences have a straightforward, almost old-fashioned feel. I hope you don't mind my saying that I could hear the influence of Richard Yates (especially the Yates of "Eleven Kinds of Loneliness" throughout the story - especially in the opening page. Surely you know that from my POV, this is a good thing!

Weather, Birds, Dolly, and Bubbles (Also titled: Everything Is Connected and I've had too much coffee not to ramble)

Yesterday, Kimberley and I went clothes shopping so she'll be prepared for Fall Business Casual at the ridiculous Harvard where she works too hard without enough love/appreciation. We also found new glasses and they are so so so cute. I can't wait until I lose my eyesight so I can wear spectacles and look smart like everyone else in my family.

When we got back home, I had a silly idea that I needed a bubble tea so we went to the stand and I got almond (YUM!) and Kimkim got starfruuit (YUCK!). I like starfruit (reminds me of Matty's tree in Miami and being a little kid. Did MAtty die, mom?) but this tasted like disgusting prune juice.

I spent the next hour and a half begging my sister not to torture herself but she insisted on drinking it. She wouldn't take sips of mine because she said it reminded her how much better mine was than hers. Anyway, we watched "The Weather Man" (my second time, her first) and I still love that movie. Why do I love it so much? Maybe because I thought about becoming a meteorologist for a while (which makes me think about the Boston meteorologist who is pregnant, which is the first time I've ever seen a pregnant woman predict the weather and also, Boston is being unsurprisingly messed up about her predicting the weather AND being pregnant. did i mention that i don't like boston?).

Then, this morning I find out K's thrown up twice during the night. That starfruit won't leave her alone. So I went to Shaw's to get gingerale, saltines, and applesauce and here's what really gets me. This is the most typical Boston thing that's happened to me all weekend:
I'm waiting at the pedestrian crosswalk. I stop. A car stops to let me pass. Then, I'm half way across and the car honks at me. Apparently I was taking too long. So I have to run to the other side. Did I mention it's pouring out? People are such, you know whats.

I realize this is a kind of boring post, but I can't always be funny. Give me a break, would ya? Just kidding.

Today, maybe I'll finally hang out with my friend, Aleah. But it's raining and that means baby Gili wants to curl up in her room and read and do nothing. How come Cornelius gets to do whatever she wants and not feel guilty about it?

Finally, huge huge praise for Aimee and the amazing package. She's like a little hummingbird reminding me that life isn't that bad. Everyone should have a hummingbird like Aimee.

-Song of the day: Dolly Parton's "Save The Last Dance For Me"

-Truth be told: I'm not into Lorrie Moore's book. She's getting on my nerves. I'm really craving a book I love right now, but school dictates thought.
-Movie of the summer: The Weather Man. You're wrong, Riva. This is a (dare I say?) genius movie.

The Nightmare Is Realized

Riva,
Last night I dreamt I had four cats. One of them kept running away. I didn't bother chasing after the cat because I was exhausted from scooping all that litter.

Not amused (okay, slightly amused),
Gili

Veena And Neena Saved My Life!

I'm back on the bellydancing. I love the DVDs. Not only am I running, but I'm also doing my farranic (spl?) arms, sidebends, and hip drops.

Two days ago, I was doing some bellydancing with Veena and Neena (the bellydancing twins seen above) and the narrator on the DVD says, "You'll see results in no time," which made me think, will I see results or will I not? I mean, I think what she was saying is soon, I'll see results. But it could also mean, there will not come a time when I see results. Since I used to have a very serious bellydancing regiment and never saw results, I'm kind of banking on not getting much from it, but I sure do love to shake my hips.

Yesterday, the narrator lady asked, "Are you having fun?" and I said, "not really," and she answered, "Good!" Is the woman inside Kimberley's DVD machine happy that I'm not having fun? Hard to say.

Last night I went out dancing with my wonderful sister. We shook what our mama gave us. Apparently, our mama gave us about the same thing since we both dance the same way. I love dancing. I think I'm going to try to go every week. It's not like I have anything else going on. Plus, I feel so good breaking it down.

Cornelius is Staring At Me Like I Should Be Ashamed...

I turned down the apartment offer that I got last night. I'm not having trouble getting offers, but I'm looking for something perfect. I liked the apt a lot and everything was great except the guy was a little too, I don't know. I can't say it without being offensive. He was a hippy. That's the best way to put it.

I had a job interview this morning that I skipped.

No running because it's raining, so I've spent all morning indoors. I think I'll do my bellydancing DVDs later. I've missed them.

I'm not moving to Chicago. It's decided.

Tonight I may check out a queer band that's playing somewhere around here.

In the meantime, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how I feel like I've been falsely advertised to. I thought all ages divisible by 9 would be great, but 27 is a bust so far.

Onward and upward or some such.

Flipping A Gigantic Coin

There's this thing where once I start moving, I don't want to stop. I mean, I just got here but part of me wants to move on. When the going gets tough...

So, still running uphill to find work and housing. Here's the new question:

Chicago or Boston.

Pros of Boston:
1. already here
2. near my sister (actually I couldn't be closer to her unless I was sitting on her lap)
3. good public transport.
4. on the east coast which means easy access to lots of people i know and some people i love
5. where my school is located
6. could be nice if i could just get a job and a house
7. riva and miles may come here for school next year

Pros of Chicago:
1. really like the vibe
2. good public transport.
3. cheaper than boston
4. good art scene
5. feel like i might fit in better
6. nice queer community
7. in the great midwest

You decide. I'll do whatever you tell me to do.

songs of the day:
Chicago by Sufjan Stevens
New England by Jonathan Richman

Where Is Hashem When I Need Her?

Last night I went to my second housing possibility. When I showed up, I realized that the two women I would be living with were 23 year-old lesbians from Mount Holyoke. (We already knew I’m ageist.) I had constructed in my head this whole angelic scenario where I get there and can't believe how perfect they are. Why? Because their ad had virtually no information in it. I should have known.

So, not only were they baby lesbians, but (where do I start?) they had horse pictures all over their home. I mean all over. And there was no irony to any of it.

Anyone who has known me for more than half an hour knows that I despise horses. There's nothing I hate more than horses except horse-lovers. See the attached picture? That's a sample of the "art" covering their walls. Weird.

I'm pretty sure G-D is angry at me which is why I'm also posting this picture (taken in Minneapolis) where I'm sticking my tongue out at her. G-D is being a meany. Maybe I'm just not appreciative of the things I do have. Something to consider.

I try to have a sense of humor about all of this, but the truth is, nothing is feeling very funny. Job searching is harder than ever (I know my expectations are high, but still...), housing possibilities are non-existent, and it won't stop raining.

G-D, throw me a lifeline!

Reading: Birds of America (liking it, but wondering if I'm going to get tired of her style)
On repeat: I Should Of by The Pretenders

Harriet, Kimberley, Transmen, and Me

After attending the lesbian moms' baby-naming for little Harriet (named after the fabulous dykey sleuth Harriet the spy), Kimberley and I spent most of yesterday walking around good old Jamaica Plain.

We were in search of the Harvest Food Coop, as I was convinced that they would have a giant housing bulletin board. We really could have used Harriet's help, since every time we asked for directions, we got lost. You know how this story turns out: after four hours, we finally found the coop and the bulletin board was measly with only one housing ad, which I had already read on craigslist. The only reason I thought they would have a bulletin is because every other coop in the country has one! Just that, nothing else. It was still great to check out JP, as this is where I plan to live with all the rest of the gays in the Boston area.

Anyway, this morning, I read the Sunday NY Times. The style section has a hilarious front-page article about how lesbians are threatened by transmen. Um, no. Not really been my experience. If anything, every dyke I know is desperate to get some transman into bed. Okay, not every single one, but sheesh. The NY Times is getting more and more laughable every week. They so desperately want to be on the frontlines of queer life, somehow thinking this is where the "hip" youngsters reside, but alas, their reporting is flat, boring, and totally outdated. Those silly reporters need to get it together.

probably a stupid dilemma

so after i came back from running today (i just like the way that sounds. i really did go running, but it's so ridiculous to start a sentence like that, i mean come on!) i saw that kimberley's local paper was opened to a (none other than) good vibrations ad.
as many of you know, miles and i used to work there and that's how we met. it was the best/worst of times. now, here's the question: should i apply to work at the one that is in brookline? (yes, there's a goodvibes here.)
i know you'll probably say no, gili, you hated it there. but i did meet a lot of people and they pay well. and i don't have a job. confession: i called them up this morning and left a message asking if they're hiring. they might not even hire me back since i was such a troublemaker and was practically fired near the end.
tell me what to do. (miles, i'm well-versed on your opinion, so you are not obligated to write a manifesto at this time.)

Going 80

There were lots of really emotional parts to my trip, but one surprise was passing Oberlin.

It was so weird, driving on 80, passing Elyria and Lorain and the sign for Antioch and Oberlin. I saw Black River and a sign for Cedar Point. I never thought I'd go back there, but I considered stopping for brunch at the Black River Cafe. Does it still exist? I got really nostalgic over our Sunday brunches: Matt, Vanya, Ellen, Riva, Jen, me, sometimes Danielle or others.

I cried a little thinking about the last five years (or is it six?) that I've been away from there. So much has changed and I've grown up in a lot of ways.

I thought about New Mexico, Key West, our trip to Massachusetts (Mountain Dew style), rugby tournaments, trips to Super K, my summer at Oberlin, so many things. I really got mushy about it.

Other things related to my trip (that made me feel something):
1. Passing Palmer, Mass where I used to attend camp.
2. Driving by Tara's hometown in Longmeadow.
3. Driving by Great Barrington (Catherine's home)
4. Realizing how connected my life has always been to Massachusetts (at least since I was old enough to attend camp here)
5. School bus in Wisconsin with a sign on the window that said "Jews Rock!!"
6. Dead bugs in my motel room
7. Great yummy Trader Joes food that kept me happy throughout the entire ride
8. My Sacred I-Pod (and listening to "Song For The Lonely" by Cher on repeat)
9. Cornelius' good behavior and love
10. Miles' great phone conversations and love
11. Dad's great navigational skills around Boston (via my cell phone)
12. Really horrible traffic in Illinois (Aimee, what's that about?) and the thousands of tolls that sucked up all my money, but the incredible friendliness of all the toll workers
13. Kimberley helping me unpack my stuffed vw
14. Lake Erie up by Buffalo (an old train passing by). this was by far the most scenic moment in my trip (though a lot of Massachusetts came in second place).

Anyway, it's surreal to be in Somerville. I got up this morning and walked up Mass Ave to find a cat scratcher. Here I am again.

I don't think I'm ready for another Big Cry yet, but I've been leaking tears since I left.

Wish Me Luck

Off to the East Coast. I'm planning on driving 8-hour days or so. I should arrive in Somerville Sunday night or Monday morning depending on how things work out.

Lots of love and feel free to call me along the way. I'll need someone to talk with besides Cornelius.

Pre-Annotation: Some Literary-ish Thoughts

I've finished "Lives of Girls and Women" by Munro and "Breakfast At Tiffany's" by Capote. Both are very different. I haven't written my annotations yet, but I need to get this off my chest:

1. I really don't feel very attached to Capote. Loved the movie, not excited about the writer. What gives? The characters are fine, nothing to jump up and down over. I want to like him but it's really a take it or leave it kind of situation.

2. Munro has a big brain. I'm not sure I understand what goes on in there and I don't know how she does it. But I really do think she's a living, breathing genius. Intimidation comes to mind. I don't think her book is perfect and I wouldn't have made a lot of the choices she made, but come on, the woman is a work of brilliance. I've got to absorb as much as possible just in case there's a chance some geniosity leaks off the page and into my smaller brain.

For those of you getting a head start: next I'm reading Lorrie Moore's "Birds of America" (everyone loves her, let's face it. I've read a short-story from this book, but I'm excited to read it in its entirety). And I'll be reading Tobias Wolff's "The Night in Question." Stay tuned.

Big Changes

Friday will be my last day living in Minneapolis. I'm moving to the east coast.

My job is over, my stuff mostly packed. It's weird to be leaving. Weird isn't really the right word. It's sad and surreal. I have moments when all of this rushes over me. I don't really want to go into the specifics on this blog. I just wanted to give the head's up.

I'm going to be driving alone across country, something I've never done before. I'm nervous and excited for the adventure. Well, I won't be completely alone because Cornelius will be with me. She usually sleeps in the car.

I don't know what else to say.

True Toe Story

This evening Miles and I were driving home with the windows down. I had my feet up on the dashboard like always.

A woman pulled up next to us at a red light in a blue Chevy minivan. She has curly dyed black hair and big sunglasses. I didn't even notice her until she called out to me:

"Look at those cute little toes! Does your mommy love them? I bet she does."

I said thanks (I think) and then the light turned green. I swear this happened. If Miles hadn't been there, I might not believe it. I'm not telling this story because I'm begging for toe compliments. (I know they're cute.)

I'm telling it because people love to talk to me. Strangers are always saying weird things to me. This is just the most current example.

p.s. mom, do you love my toes?

Part Two: Straight Girls Love To Put Makeup On Me

Here's two more pictures from my day at the Aveda Institute. Yup, this is what happens when I go there.

Song of the day: Break Up To Make Up (get it?) by The Stylistics

Drag Queen Gili

Riva wanted to see what I look like after a day at Aveda. Here's my drag queen eyes. That's all you're getting.
xoxo

Chocolate Covered Bagel

Been a while since my last food post.

I want a chocolate covered bagel. Some say this is just another couple words for a doughnut, but I disagree. I want a real live bagel covered in chocolate.

Maybe this can be a new product that I create and market. I really could be on to something.

A Steinsky Original.

p.s. I heart Alice Munro. Genius material.

I Can't Breathe...

Heat stroke is imminent.

Is there a kind of animal that can't sense temperature?
I want to be that animal.

Yesterday, for most of the day, the power was out all over our neighborhood. That meant no A.C., no fans, no nothing. The power would come on for four minutes, then off again, then back on, then off. Cars ran into each other at intersections. Babies were crying. Plus, I had to help some friends move. Even cold baths didn't help.

Miles ended up sleeping on the porch because it was cooler outside.

The electricity is back on but my spirit has dissipated.