Losing A Best Friend

There’s nothing easy about ending a friendship. It’s been really hard to go from being attached at the hip to someone for four years to knowing it’s all over. One of the worst parts is that my whole idea of the person has changed. I think in a lot of ways I was blind to certain elements of the person and to our relationship. I’m a believer and I put a lot of work into relationships, but sometimes I don’t know when to let things go. This is the time when I evaluate what’s happened and also let myself grieve. I want to feel like I’ve learned and that I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Every day is different now. I was talking to a Bay Area friend of mine the other night and she said that age 27 is the year of really high highs and really low lows. It’s completely true. I’d like to move out of that soon. Maybe I can fake it and pretend my birthday is sooner than April.

I was saying to someone that it’s weird thinking about how people break-up every day all over the world. Sometimes I think that I’ll be better off alone for a long time. I thought I would want to get in another relationship, but I think I really need time to feel what it’s like to stand on my own two feet.

Some moments, I just want to sit around and let it all sink in. Others, I want to keep moving.

What I’ve got: my writing, good friends and family, the financial help to start a life in New York, and Cornelius.

I know everything will get better with time; I just wish I could be a more patient person.

Perfect Timing!

I just got home from a day of soy lattes, beautiful weather, running, and generally feeling better. I worked on my writing and feel like I'm catching up with the work I need to be doing.

Guess what! A new package arrived from Aimee. Happiness is art from a friend. This was the perfect time for me to get such an amazing gift. It's like you knew.... Thanks for brightening my day!

And a big thanks to everyone for being so supportive. I'm so lucky to have so much community and love and support.

No More Settling

Per Aimee’s advice, I am going to visualize all the things that I want in my life. Now that I’m not settling for second rate, I will make a list of what I want in a house, a job, and a relationship. I’m finally going for what I truly want and I believe I can have it.

Housing: hardwood floors, studio, under $1000, close to subway, in Astoria, sunny, a happy home for Cornelius, closets, heat/hot water, reasonably priced utilities, quiet neighbors, safe building, big enough to have a queen size bed, bookshelves, a writing area, good cell phone reception, big enough kitchen area to cook for myself, space to do my belly dancing dvds

Job: respectful and trusting boss, stable hours, not a huge time-suck so I can work on my writing, smart coworkers, the work should be at least stimulating part of the time, good pay and benefits, nothing that puts evil into the world, not a horrible commute, my work stays at work

Relationship: someone who is as smart as me, someone I’m physically attracted to, an honest person who likes themselves, Really important: they must be passionate about something and willing to put their heart into it (this doesn’t have to be writing, it can be anything, but they can’t have a flat-line personality), someone who understands their own emotions and works on themselves, someone who challenges me and knows how to be a friend, someone who isn’t afraid or ashamed of who they are

I really feel like all these things are possible. I know they won’t all come right away, but now that I’m moving in the direction I want to be going, I feel like good things are out there. I’m going to try and read this list every other day to remind myself of the things I can have.

Desperate Times Call For Extraterrestrials

Um, so I am back in Minneapolis and I was cruising craigslist when I discovered this amazing job opportunity. Ah, the life of a writer. I did not make this up! It's a real craigslist ad. Well, dad and mom, is it better than temping?

***************
Looking for Co-Author - Great Book Idea

I've been working on a book for few years and need help to finish it.
It is about soul journeys of well-known people such as Einstein, Jefferson, Dali and another 9 celebrities. It is fiction. It is based on astrology, extraterrestrial societies (also Robert Shapiro) and (lyrical) fantasy. It describes journeys of these souls through the universe, and also the preparation for earth and the fascination with it. I have already minimum 20 pages on each person.
I published fiction before, but not in the States.
Thanks,
Zoran

Compensation: No Compensation - Agreement
**********************

(So maybe temping would be better?)

Never Forget Fascism It Is Here

This is a picture of the marquee in downtown Duluth. (We took this picture six months ago, but Duluth doesn't change that much.) I like the daily reminder that fascism still exists.

I'm hanging out in my hotel room in Duluth. I really love this town. It's so nice to be on Lake Superior. For the first time in my life, I visited a nursing home yesterday. I sat with Bubbie and Zaddie while they ate dinner. My zaddie is doing really well. It's nice to see him with more energy. They had just watched "Good Night and Good Luck" and my bubbie loved it but they both thought it was too long. I told her I was bored and she told me it's because I'm too young to understand. Naturally.

She really wants to see "Angels in America," but my copy is in Boston and I didn't bring it because I didn't know she wanted to see it. If she thinks "Good Night and Good Luck" is long, wait until she watches "Angels in America." But she can watch it in parts.

Today I went running and then I've been working on my Lorrie Moore annotation. I have to stop myself from saying how much I hate her book, but I do conclude with comments about how she seems to write a lot of things just to prove she's witty. I know my mentor will disagree since everyone at my school worships her, but there you have it.

It's good to finally get some work going. I've been slacking a lot since the great New York search. I think I'm going to find a place in Astoria. I'm interested to know more about Greenpoint. Is it too Oberliny? A few people have suggested it to me. Keep the suggestions coming. I've got to remember to visualize my dream job and home so I can make it happen.

Note to my big sister: I can't wait to see your new glasses!!!
Note to Riva: where are you?
Note to self: don't ever watch "The View" again.

Update: I just went to dinner with my hillarious Bubbie. She told me that she used to hang out with a couple of other girls when she was a kid. And they used to call people RB's (which is Rich Bitches). Naturally, I'm scandalized.

Life of the Unemployed Commuter

Last night I had a dream there were all these huge red birds (parrot-size, but not parrots, like gigantic cardinals or something) in my front yard in Florida. My mom, of course, was not interested in all, since she hates nature, but my dad got out all these bird books and we were trying to figure out what they were. One of the baby birds got stuck in my bathtub and we were trying to save it. We got the little guy out and he flew back to one of the gigantic nests in the tree. Then a bunch of tourists came to our house to look at the birds. Before we could get close, the birds flew away. What does it all mean?

I'm off to Minneapolis this morning. I hope that I don't die of dehydration since I'm not allowed liquids on my flights. Anything to help prevent terrorism.

(Oh! This fantastic picture is one of the many google images finds. Apparently, this man named Joe Cover was a boxer at the University of Minnesota. Maybe I'll see him while I'm there.)

I'm fighting a cold (from all the travel) so last night I watched four hours of Degrassi Junior High. I watched the one where Snake's brother comes out of the closet and it made me wonder what I was feeling when I sat through that episode in my 8th grade health class. I wonder if I felt embarassed or indifferent or what. Anyway, I'm glad in the end Snake accepts his brother and comes to understand that just because his all-star athlete/med-school/over-achieving brother is gay, doesn't mean he will be. And all in a half an hour's time! If I were Snake, I'd want to be gay because not only is his brother a homo, he's also better at everything than Snake.
I also watched the one where Wheels' parents get killed by a drunk driver. Covering all the bases. They really raised the stakes since Wheels was in a fight with his parents right before they died. I guess the lesson is never to fight with your parents. No, that can't be right.

****
Music of the day:
Degrassi Junior High Theme Song

Wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely,
Gee, I gotta go to this school.
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take,
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But when I look around and see,
that someone is smiling right at me,
wait, someone talkin' to me, hey, I gotta new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you gotta do is believe,
let's be honest with yourself, forget your fears and doubts,
come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High.
******
Off to the midwest...

So Much For That...

Yesterday, I interviewed for a job only to learn that they thought I had an MSW. Hello, read my resume. No where does it indicate any such thing.

And, I spent a long time in the rain waiting for the possible roommate. After meeting and hanging out for an hour, I came back to Boston. She had to find out for sure if the place could have cats. She just called and said she's really sad to tell me they can't.

So back to square one.

I guess I'm moving in with the first person afterall.
Still no job...
Sigh.

98.9% Sure

Got home about 12:30. Really, really tired. I left this morning at 8:15 am so it's been a day of it.

And the rain.

Let me tell you something. New Yorkers do nothing lightly including rainfall. And of course I wouldn't buy an umbrella since combined, Kimberley and I have five. Not that I brought one of them to NY with me.

Anyway, lots of annoying things about this trip. But I'm moving in the direction of actually living there.

I've come to love that place on the corner of 38th and (I think) 7th, but it could be 8th ave. It's near Penn Station. The place with the extensive and not over-priced salad bars. You'd know it if you saw it. (Notice this nice picture of olde time new york I found. selling ties for only 35 cents! also, i just realize there's no "cents" sign on a mac keyboard. is that true or am i a fool?)

I never thought I'd say this but it's good to be back in Somerville.

Just finishing a 1 am bowl of my new favorite cereal, Vive by (groan) kashi.

I supposed sleeping is next on my list.

New reading material: Collected stories of Katherine Anne Porter (including Pale Horse, Pale Rider)
New music: anything where I can't hear other people talking on their cell phones.
New favorite pet: psych! cornelius forever!!!

The Life Of A Dysfunctional Metronome

So, tomorrow afternoon I have another interview in the Bronx. Then I’m going to try to meet up with my other possible roommate.

Back and forth, back and forth…

I can’t believe how all over the place I am right now.

Tomorrow, off to Bronx and Brooklyn.
Then, Monday, I leave for Minneapolis and Duluth.
Then I come back to Boston a week later.
And finally, I move to Brooklyn on the first of October.

It’s not like me to be this go, go, go.
I’m excited to get to settle down a bit.

Went out dancing last night with Kimberley. At first, the music was kind of slow. We requested Prince and the bisexual DJ must not know anything about Prince because he played “Pop Life,” which is a good song, but not a fast dance song. The music started to pick up and we really got down. I’m going to miss our dance-a-thons when I’m not living here.

Oh! Kimberley and I saw a guy on his bike get hit by a car last night. He was okay, but it made me think about when I hit was on my bike and hit Adrian on his bike. So scary.

Fruit of the day: avocado

p.s. I realize this image is incredibly cheese-ridden but I couldn't help myself. I heart google images.

Park Slope, Baby!

So, I'm doing it! I'm taking the home in Park Slope in early October. I'm really excited, but also worried.

Excitement:
-perfect location (right above the tea lounge and across the street from the coop)
-nice roommate (we're alike, but also different, and I feel like we could get along well.)
-cute place (she did a good decorating job)
-great roof views (i can't wait to tak pictures from the roof, you can see everywhere and it's stunning.)
-not super expensive

Worries:
-our cats won't get along (we're going to give it a trial run and if it doesn't work, I'll find somewhere else)
-very small (no common space, small bedroom, tiny kitchen)
-not a lot of fresh air circulating through the place (not great when there will be two cats involved)

Wish me luck! Now I just need a job...

Yesterday, All My Troubles Seemed So Yesterday

Yesterday Kim and I had a Queens brunch at 2:30 pm. Yup, it took a while to get going. My whole day was so NY food. Or at least NY food that I only partake in when I'm here.

I had:
a mimosa, a Mexican omlette (okay, but I need to stop eating Mexican food outside the Bay Area), three cups of coffee (Greek-style), and some potatoes.

We went to the Upper East Side so see this gallery that was featuring women comic artists. It could have been more extensive, but I loved the show. The gallery woman hadn't heard of Vanessa Davis, so I put in a plug for our high school superstar. Check out these two women who are new to me (I don't know how to hyperlink, so just google 'em): Debbie Dreschler and Diane Noomin (see picture). (They even had some Roz originals, which I know isn't original, but I was excited. Oh, and they had that woman who does those great pictures for The Drama Magazine, Miles. The ones we had hanging up in Mpls.)

Then we walked and walked, stopping at Gracious Home for Kim's attempt at retail therapy. I've never seen such practical purchases: a shoe holder and a catch for the kitchen sink. But it made her happy and I aim to please.

We were looking for a combo of coffee for me and ice cream for Kim. I refused every Starbuck's in an attempt to prove that we didn't have to stoop so low. And by 6:45, we didn't! We found our new tradition: Follow Me Cafe, the cutest and yummiest little place where we will gather a week before Kim's birthday (as it is now) every year that we live in the city.

I ate: hummus with warm and fresh foccacia, two lattes, and half of this warm apricot,vanilla ice cream, walnuts, and chocolate sauce dessert.

Then we spent twenty minutes in Duane Reade while I chose the perfect hair bands and concealor, since I left mine in Queens.

After this, we parted ways so I can meet up with the always wondrous Tara. We caught up, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and back, and had a grand time. We've never lived in the same city so if I live here, it's going to be a whole new level of friendship. How excellent.

Eventually, I hopped a train back to Queens and met Kim and her friend (the one who thinks I look like Nelly Furtado) back at the place where I had my morning brunch. I had half a mojito (this time, delicious).

Finally, Kim and I found a tape of School of the Arts (the high school we went to before I moved to Interlochen) and let me tell you, I was such a ham. (Shocking!) I demanded camera time in every single thing we did. We watched two hours of game shows. I cannot believe they considered our classes educational. It's amazing what we got away with. Hours of complete silliness and inappropriateness.

When Kim and I were in a television class (we were both communications majors), our teacher lost herself. She was this normal, great woman who looked like a tv anchor and taught us all about the biz. One day, she stopped wearing makeup. The next day, her hair stopped being sprayed. Then, she came in and said something horrible to one of the heavier students in the middle of class. The same day, she called one of the kids in my class a "faggot." I really wish we had it on tape. The whole thing was completely surreal. He had just jumped on a plastic bag full of grapefruits while wearing a red rain slicker (it was for a game show). The grapefruit got all over the camera and she got so angry. Kim thinks she also threw a paper towel dispenser at him. I don't know about this. Anyway, next thing we knew, rumors were flying and she was fired. Kim remembers hearing that she caught her husband in bed with another woman and burned her house down. Ah, Florida. I just thought she was going through a rough divorce. The next time I saw her, she was working at a Natural Foods Store as a cashier in a plaza near my house. I was so ashamed for her that I didn't go back for a long time. Good old Palm Beach County School of the Arts.

Today's plan: buy Kim an early birthday brunch at the place of her choice, pack up and ship off to Boston. Hopefully I can get some reading done on the train. I'm so behind on school stuff.

p.s. I'm routing for Kim to have a blog.
p.p.s. song of the hour: anything Muzak, since I've decided working for Muzak could be a dream job.

here's the picture where we're twins

check it out

Nelly Furtado

Kim's friend thinks I look like Nelly Furtado.

Holy Land

I have been born again!

I arrived in NYC on the Acela Express (I know, travel in style) and met my parents for a salad. Guess where we went??? None other than the famous Skylight Diner. I kept picturing Ellen sitting across from me, playing with her latest digital accessory, eating three plates of food, and never blinking an eye.

Then they walked me to Times Square where I met Kim (not my sister, another Kim that I went to palm beack county school of the arts with) at her job at Nickelodeon. She has a signed picture of none other than Donovan (ie. Blues Clues guy) who I went to Interlochen with after I left PBCSOA. Small and weird world. What was more exciting was her signed Hanson autograph AND her personalized/signed TLC picture.

We went out for dinner in Park Slope, since I was looking at a place there. we had the worst mojito of our lives, which we sent back for the worst sangria of our lives. I'm convinced they took a bottle of Manishevitz and poured it into cups, sliced up three pieces of citrus for the rim, and called it "Sangria." Anyway, live and learn. Don't go to Park Slope for mojitos or sangria.

After looking at the apt. which was super cute but I think the other cat would terrorize Corny, we came back to Queens where Kim lives. We spent hours looking up people from high school as I grew more and more frightened of them.

One girl, who I won't mention her name here, is one of those never-a-child types. Do you know what I mean? She was always bizarrely adult in her behavior except for her strange, snorting laugh. I don't know how to understand her as a person. But as a wise man once said, people are not to be understood (Miles). But now he's retracting that.

Finally, it's early Saturday morning. Kim's still sleeping. I think we're going to go check out more places in Prospect Park and Crown Heights for my possible living situation. If you know of good Brooklyn places that I might like, tell me!!!

Tonight I might go to the beer garden with Kim and friends or I may try and catch up with Tara. Maybe Matt will come see me, too.

Aimee: I don't know what I want to do for work. I got a second interview with a queer youth org. but it's in long island which sounds really far and not fun. I really don't know what I want to do. please, please suggest away!

Oh! Though everyone on the train was too fun to talk with to read a lot, I did start The Night In Question by Tobias Wolff and it's a million times better than Lorrie Moore. (Riv, skip straight to this after you read the librarian story.)
Music: Digital Love by Daft Punk

87% Decided

After much banter with the loved ones, I've decided that there is no other choice for me. I must fulfill my destiny and move to New York. I think I'll move in October or around then. I'd like to be settled in a place before winter.

Feel free to help me find housing and a job. All advice is welcome.

Happy Day!

Having a couple days of an active social life with Beth, Grace, Kimkim, and Aleah. That's been helpful/nourishing.

I am so ridiculously happy because I got my mentor's latest response to my last submission. He likes my new story! I've got to brag a little now:

...I would have cottoned to your story because it involves such a deliciously complex mix of subjects and emotions - sex, death, religion, history, masculinity, coming of age - and because it explores these themes not in the abstract but through a compellingly tangible and engaging plot. The setting is richly detailed and believable. There's humor. There's pathos. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats!

The structure is simple but appropriate and effective: a frame narrative, in which we begin with a moment of high tension, backtrack to explain how the character ended up there, and then carry the action quickly to its conclusion.

The prose is crystal-clear and true. Your sentences have a straightforward, almost old-fashioned feel. I hope you don't mind my saying that I could hear the influence of Richard Yates (especially the Yates of "Eleven Kinds of Loneliness" throughout the story - especially in the opening page. Surely you know that from my POV, this is a good thing!

Weather, Birds, Dolly, and Bubbles (Also titled: Everything Is Connected and I've had too much coffee not to ramble)

Yesterday, Kimberley and I went clothes shopping so she'll be prepared for Fall Business Casual at the ridiculous Harvard where she works too hard without enough love/appreciation. We also found new glasses and they are so so so cute. I can't wait until I lose my eyesight so I can wear spectacles and look smart like everyone else in my family.

When we got back home, I had a silly idea that I needed a bubble tea so we went to the stand and I got almond (YUM!) and Kimkim got starfruuit (YUCK!). I like starfruit (reminds me of Matty's tree in Miami and being a little kid. Did MAtty die, mom?) but this tasted like disgusting prune juice.

I spent the next hour and a half begging my sister not to torture herself but she insisted on drinking it. She wouldn't take sips of mine because she said it reminded her how much better mine was than hers. Anyway, we watched "The Weather Man" (my second time, her first) and I still love that movie. Why do I love it so much? Maybe because I thought about becoming a meteorologist for a while (which makes me think about the Boston meteorologist who is pregnant, which is the first time I've ever seen a pregnant woman predict the weather and also, Boston is being unsurprisingly messed up about her predicting the weather AND being pregnant. did i mention that i don't like boston?).

Then, this morning I find out K's thrown up twice during the night. That starfruit won't leave her alone. So I went to Shaw's to get gingerale, saltines, and applesauce and here's what really gets me. This is the most typical Boston thing that's happened to me all weekend:
I'm waiting at the pedestrian crosswalk. I stop. A car stops to let me pass. Then, I'm half way across and the car honks at me. Apparently I was taking too long. So I have to run to the other side. Did I mention it's pouring out? People are such, you know whats.

I realize this is a kind of boring post, but I can't always be funny. Give me a break, would ya? Just kidding.

Today, maybe I'll finally hang out with my friend, Aleah. But it's raining and that means baby Gili wants to curl up in her room and read and do nothing. How come Cornelius gets to do whatever she wants and not feel guilty about it?

Finally, huge huge praise for Aimee and the amazing package. She's like a little hummingbird reminding me that life isn't that bad. Everyone should have a hummingbird like Aimee.

-Song of the day: Dolly Parton's "Save The Last Dance For Me"

-Truth be told: I'm not into Lorrie Moore's book. She's getting on my nerves. I'm really craving a book I love right now, but school dictates thought.
-Movie of the summer: The Weather Man. You're wrong, Riva. This is a (dare I say?) genius movie.

The Nightmare Is Realized

Riva,
Last night I dreamt I had four cats. One of them kept running away. I didn't bother chasing after the cat because I was exhausted from scooping all that litter.

Not amused (okay, slightly amused),
Gili

Veena And Neena Saved My Life!

I'm back on the bellydancing. I love the DVDs. Not only am I running, but I'm also doing my farranic (spl?) arms, sidebends, and hip drops.

Two days ago, I was doing some bellydancing with Veena and Neena (the bellydancing twins seen above) and the narrator on the DVD says, "You'll see results in no time," which made me think, will I see results or will I not? I mean, I think what she was saying is soon, I'll see results. But it could also mean, there will not come a time when I see results. Since I used to have a very serious bellydancing regiment and never saw results, I'm kind of banking on not getting much from it, but I sure do love to shake my hips.

Yesterday, the narrator lady asked, "Are you having fun?" and I said, "not really," and she answered, "Good!" Is the woman inside Kimberley's DVD machine happy that I'm not having fun? Hard to say.

Last night I went out dancing with my wonderful sister. We shook what our mama gave us. Apparently, our mama gave us about the same thing since we both dance the same way. I love dancing. I think I'm going to try to go every week. It's not like I have anything else going on. Plus, I feel so good breaking it down.

Cornelius is Staring At Me Like I Should Be Ashamed...

I turned down the apartment offer that I got last night. I'm not having trouble getting offers, but I'm looking for something perfect. I liked the apt a lot and everything was great except the guy was a little too, I don't know. I can't say it without being offensive. He was a hippy. That's the best way to put it.

I had a job interview this morning that I skipped.

No running because it's raining, so I've spent all morning indoors. I think I'll do my bellydancing DVDs later. I've missed them.

I'm not moving to Chicago. It's decided.

Tonight I may check out a queer band that's playing somewhere around here.

In the meantime, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how I feel like I've been falsely advertised to. I thought all ages divisible by 9 would be great, but 27 is a bust so far.

Onward and upward or some such.