Death has done something to me. I have a way of turning everything inward, of making each situation about myself. I’m not proud. I’ve been hesitant to write about how self-reflective I’ve been since my Zaddie’s death because shouldn’t I be solely focusing on what a wonderful person he was? This train of thought has been looping through my mind, so I figured I might as well commit it to the blog and let myself get a full night’s rest (again, selfish purposes).Tonight I read an article in the NYT Magazine addressing some of the questions that keep me from sleeping.
What am I saying? I'm zooming in on the near future, using my digital-macro function to examine each pixel.
Spending a week in the Midwest surrounded by so much unconditional love and community shook me up. I flew back to New York, but not without pleading with my family not to make me go (as if my family has ever "made me" do anything).
I thought I loved living in New York. It’s a hard city, but I'm a fighter, someone who thrives under pressure. And maybe I do love New York. Maybe I’ve hit the first roadblock and if I’m patient, I’ll get past it. I am getting too old to pull another geographic. But I have never been known for my patience.
I’m post-MFA and left with the fear that I'm moving away from all that I love. (Too dramatic? Maybe.)
My desires are the same:
A daily dose of writing time (where time loses relevance, at least for a while); time for reading; surrounding myself with friends and family; time to practice Aikido, swim, and bicycle; the opportunity to start another line of my family with a strong, mature, and supportive partner; and the opportunity to not hate my job, which may mean living somewhere financially feasible so that my job does not have to take up so much of my life and take away from my other desires.
When I arrived home last night, I jumped on my bed for a half an hour and then I crashed. Stefanie, who wrote me a beautiful condolence card, said that during a time of grieving, it's important to be extra patient and kind to myself. My emotions are all mixed up and I’m waiting to land, to have some clear sense of where I’m headed. I wish I could follow Stefanie’s advice and be patient; I know she’s right.
