A friend of mine said to me, “I’m tired of reinventing myself.” This resonated with me because my past is always catching up with my present.
When thinking about this post, I had another conversation with a different friend circling around in my head. “We should start a support group for over-sharers,” I had suggested.
I don’t want to do that here. My blog is not the write forum for me to write about this in depth, but I do feel like saying something.
Yesterday, as I was crossing the street to pick up my laundry, one of the three boys named Ari that I knew in San Francisco was walking down my block. The feeling I had was worse that what I imagine I would experience at a high school reunion. My body was instantly transported to San Francisco and I ducked into the Laundromat before unraveling on the pavement.
Fine.
Except the same thing happened again today. I was on way to Union Square. Crossing my path (or was I crossing hers?) was my old coworker/roommate/good friend from San Francisco, Katie. Why was the interaction so unnerving? One possibility is that she’s known I’ve lived here all year and she feels guilty about not contacting me.
But maybe more, we sensed each other’s desire to leave the Bay Area behind us. (Although she’s living in Greenpoint, so maybe she doesn’t want to avoid the scene the way I do.)
What’s frustrating is that this is how I used to feel after graduating from Oberlin. I couldn’t get away from there fast enough. Does this mean that there will come a time when I will be running from New York? Maybe once I know enough about myself, I won’t want to hide from who I used to be.
Some of this is a product of privilege. It’s a weird complaint that only comes from having the opportunity to move around and try out a million different ways of living.
A few months ago, Kim said that what makes me unique is that I am constantly questioning my choices and challenging myself to be someone I want to be. At the risk of sounding like the big hippy I not-so-secretly am, someday, I’d like to have a solid grasp on the me at the center of all of this change.
For now, I’d like to move to Astoria and hope for fewer uncontrolled encounters with my past.
