List of activities:

Last night I left work at 5 pm.
Met my dad at my apartment and unpacked the rest of my things from his rental car, which he had driven to New York from Boston.
Then we walked around the East Village and had a big, Mexican feast at this great place called La Palapa (in between 1 and 2 on St. Marks), which he didn’t fail to point out is right across the street from one of his favorite theaters.
After dinner, we took a brisk, wintery walk to my workplace, where I showed off the basement and sub-basement, where I work. Basically, it’s an entire city block packed with boxes of books that have been donated. It’s a kind of paradise for people like us and my dad proceeded to flip out, as he weeded through piles of old books.
Then we came back to my house and hung out before sleeping (him on the air mattress and me on the floor with my sleeping bag and my cat on my pillow).

Wake up at 7:30 am and attempt to move my car for an hour with no luck. Leave the car in dad’s hands and run off to a half-day of work. Work. Leave work and help my father carry a bookshelf he found on the street from Soho to my apartment. Go eat another slice of Viva Natural Pizza with dad. Furniture shop for an hour and we only agree on one other item, another bookshelf. Carry this bookshelf from the Salvation Army (12th and 4th) back to my house, which is a lot farther when you’re carrying a bookshelf.

Pack, and go pick up a hot mulled cider from Angelika (not worth the wait at the juice bar), but there you have it.
I get in my car. My dad gets in his. We drive for a million hours to Hartford (the traffic is basically at the slowest crawl ever for over an hour in Connecticut). After hours of driving, we arrive at CarMax, where I sold my first and only car for an unspeakably low price. Goodbye, Lil Butt (my car), I will always love you. We ate fast food and felt sick. Then, I got into my dad’s rental car and we continued on from Hartford to Boston.

We got into Boston after about seven hours of travel. Said hi to my sister before she went to sleep. Talked a little with my mom. Then my mom and dad went to a hotel and I got into bed (where I am now) in Kimberley’s apartment.

I know this isn’t an interesting blog post and probably sounds like any number of other posts I’ve written recently, but that’s just the thing. All my days feel this mind-twirling and full. It’s just another whirlwind of 24 hours, where a million things get done, there’s still a million more things to do, and I feel excited by new steps and accomplishments in my new life.

It was really fun to show my dad my life in New York. It still has not sunk in that I’m really doing it. And having visitors only reinforces my excitement. As he would say, the novelty has definitely not worn off.

I’m excited about: not sleeping on the floor tonight, not sleeping on an air mattress tonight, getting a full night’s sleep with no alarm to wake me, seeing my family, getting a little rest and relaxation before going back to New York on Friday morning.

*One of my favorite car ride moments: Seeing all the stars in the clear sky between Hartford and Boston.
*Tonight’s shout outs: Super hero father for moving all the rest of my stuff to New York, carrying bookshelves around town with me, lots of good conversation, paying for great food, and driving through horrible traffic just for his spoiled daughter; Tara’s father who is in recovery after a bicycle accident; Davide for the book recommendation, which I am saving for my train ride home; and Robert for being a super friendly/welcoming next door neighbor.
*Song of the night: Crush by Grace Jones

What Is Wrong With People?

This forward came from the director of my MFA program, Totally grossed out. The word that comes to mind is "loathsome:"

A call for submissions and personally invite you and your creative writing students to submit their work for consideration in an upcoming poetry anthology titled Cadence of Hooves: A Celebration of Horses. The focus of the anthology aims to consider the relationship between humans and horses. This relationship is sometimes direct, sometimes more oblique, and sometimes very magical—personal interpretation of this theme is welcome.
This project is supported by a one-time grant from California State University, Chico.


I went to this young designer's expo this morning. Very cool, but pricey. It's errand morning (already purchased: one spnge mop made of the real spongey stuff, more cereal, baby carrots, more soy milk, and a welcome mat) and then I'm having a fun evening that is going to be filled with alpacas (don't ask, unless you want to), maybe Angelika Kitchen, and late night movie-watching. At least that's the tentative plan.

Fell in love with another person last night. She's very pretty. And smart. But she may be moving to Delhi for work. She gave me her card. That's a first. Maybe I shouldn't say more in case she somehow finds my blog.

Pressing question of the morning: Where should I get my haircut? I haven't found a friend with a haircut that I love in the city. Or with hair like mine. Nobody has hair like mine, what with all the frizz and curl but then also the thinness.

pooped

wow, i'm really feeling it. all this movement/change is hitting hard. i've been having such a good time and loving (almost) every day, but nights like tonight, i can barely make it across my apartment. that's not an exaggeration, the bathroom looks really far from where i'm lying in bed.

my friend Isaiah suggested this cool food by mail exchange and tomorrow is the last day to sign up. I decided to try it out. The basic idea is that you're paired with a kind of not-so-secret-santa-blogger and you exchange food by mail. I'm not an incredible cook, though I'm not bad with the baked goods, so hopefully I'll be paired with someone who likes chocolate.

I hung out with Tara last night. We ate at Viva Natural Pizza on 2nd (my first, but certainly not last visit) and after walking under umbrellas but still getting wet during a downpour, we got drinks at Doc Holliday's Bar. It was really good to catch up and discuss similar experiences we're having. She's one of my oldest friends and this is the first time in our lives that we've lived in the same city. It's really amazing to finally get this opportunity. Plus, we live within walking distance. I'm curious to see how we'll end up being friends, since for years, we've only seen each other when we were in the same city for a week or so, so the time spent together was very concentrated and structured. I had to keep telling her that we have to try to remember we live in the same city now and can be the kind of friends that get to see each other regularly.

today was the housing works thanksgiving lunch party. it was held at this huge space and was bumping. the music was good, the food was good, the crowd was jovial. good times. it's weird to work for a place that is constantly having events. tonight this silly white girl hip-hop group called Northern State was performing upstairs in the bookstore. i'm about as anti-white hip-hop as a white person can be, and i was grossed out by the whole thing, but some of the events are worth checking out. this was not one of them.

i need rest. i've slacked on my writing since moving to new york and i'm feeling pretty guilty about it. my goal is to get back into it when i come back to new york after thanksgiving in boston. let's hope i follow through.

tonight i'm going to relax on the old air mattress with my book, "Easter Parade," and some old school tom waits on the itunes.

get me to a dance floor and fast

fell in love with a gay boy today. well, a 40 year old, doesn't really count as a boy. same taste in books, european, good things like this. he's very unavailable and leaving the country in a month, but still a girl can dream.

tonight, reaffirmed my disdain for live comedy. it's been 14 year since my last attempt at attending a comedy show. should have stuck with my instincts. but tried to keep reminding myself: what's one night of bad comedy to keep a good friend company?

notice no use of "i" in this post to indicate myself. because of sleepiness. it's just 11:30, but being that this is really only my second normal day of life here, feels like there's a lot of catching up on sleep to do.

my coworkers have found a new radio station. fantastic, unbelievable, and makes the day go so much faster. sorry jt fans, but it's so good to not hear "i'm bringing sexy back" 200 times a day. so good. this new station mixes 80s songs with techno music. you have no idea how much more dancing we're doing as we stare at our computer screens.

today's consumption:
3 cups of coffee
1 cup of relax tea
1 big bowl of cereal (kashi's vive)
1 gigantic honey crisp apple
1 trader joe's apple sauce
1 over-priced but tasty chicken wrap
1 glass of merlot
not enough water

reading: "Easter Parade" by Richard Yates
listening: "Railroad Man" by Eels

p.s. is it the new cool thing to have a bar or restaurant that's so obscure that no website exists for the place? i'm noticing a trend.

changing cell phone plans/dance til you can't, dance til you can't, dance no more

cingular just isn't cutting it. sometimes it's really solid, but a lot of the time in my apt. is spent finding a better place to talk. those of you who know new york, what's your suggestion? one friend insists on verizon, but i was researching last night and saw a site with way more verizon complaints than cingular. help me make a good choice. i'll keep asking friends in the city, too. but if you have suggestions, by all means...




on an entirely different note, since we've been discussing oberlin so much, maybe we should have an old school sco party in new york. try to reconstrcut the goodness that was the sco or something. i haven't ironed out the details but it could be fun.
although thinking about it now, it is probably best to keep it in the past.


things are still good and busy. loving the job and the apartment and being in the city.

24 hours and counting...

Yesterday at 7, I went out with Matt M and his mom. Hello! Matt and I haven't seen each other in five frickin' years. He's almost finished with architecture school (following the bob and denise dream) AND he now has a tattoo and stretched ears. Can you believe it? We had a nice, Mexican dinner in the east village full of repressed conversation and pleasantries. Then we dropped his mom off at Grand Central and began a fabulous night of drunken gallavanting. Sloshed. We got sloshed.
[One fun highlight was that I accidentally ran into the guy who is now playing Tarzan while he was signing autographs.]

Anyway, Matt and I did it up right. We went to the only great bar near Times Square, Collins Bar, which I had been to a year or so ago with Kim, who works near there.



We picked out an amazing jukebox set, but I don't think they ever got to ours (and now I can't remember any of it). I love Matt!!! How can you not? Shout out shout out!!

How perfect is it that we live so close and soon he's maybe/hopefully going to start interning in New York?! Forget Philly, man, you've got to come live here. It would be so fun! Matt has gotten taller too! I didn't think that was possible. (I know this is not a very cohesive blog post, but look at how things have been. Cohesiveness is so far down on my list.)

Then around 3 in the morn, we said our goodbyes, (but not for long) and got on separate trains: him back to philly, me back to boston.

I passed out on the train, rocking to my embarassing ipod tunes and got back to kimberley's at 9ish. Then I slept for two hours before loading up my car with all my crap and driving with Kimberley and Cornelius in the pouring rain all the way back to new york.

Why does it feel like everyday is like this? These are such good times, it's ridiculous.

I'm back in the apartment. Kimberley is sleeping, Cornelius is wanting food, and I'm dazed and confused.

Really good news: only 10 or so more boxes of my stuff is in boston. I'm not travelling until Thanksgiving, so I can finally settle in a little. I'm really looking forward to downtime. And now I can see more New York people who I haven't had time to connect with. I am loving my apartment by the by. Cornelius seems at home already.

Oh, Matt! If you read this, I think it's Klaus Deboer. Right?

song that most represents my life right now: One Place by Everything But the Girl

p.s. i discovered that matt shares my love and adoration for grace jones. how much do we so want to follow her around and learn everything? ohhh! a grace jones internship would be heaven!

Check this completely genius video of "i'm not perfect (but i'm perfect for you)." some of you may know i grew up with a huge keith haring obsession. this is totally the best of both worlds.

I Hope I'm Not Becoming Obnoxious. It's Like I'm Happy And I Don't Know How To Handle All This Happiness...

Today:
Wake up at 7 am.
Shower and take one suitcase (no wheels), one backpack, one air mattress, and one laptop bag from Queens to my new home. Drop everything off and inflate mattress/buy toilet paper.
Walk to work. Work.
Set up for big party at work. This is a party to encourage publishers to donate to the store and to thank them for all they’ve done.
Attend party. Feel like I can’t move because there are so many people at the party.
Squeeze out the door.
Walk home.

Buy cereal!!!!

(I still don't have any bowls or utensils, so I'm going to borrow stuff from work. But you know how much I've been wanting cereal. This is such an indicator of the beginning of being grounded in one place.)

And I got honeycrisp organic apples and pumpkin spice granola. (The grocery store on the corner is amazing. I feel like I've been living in Russia rather than Queens. The choices in the East Vill. are endless.)

Got into pajamas and lie down on air mattress for: journal writing, apple and pumpkin spice granola eating, talking on the phone, and blogging.

I feel so fortunate. No matter how chaotic my life feels, I am also constantly aware of how incredibly lucky I am.
I can’t get over how good this all feels. Every day is an adventure. I’ve never felt like that. I want to write more about how all of this living is changing me and teaching me, but right now, I just need to make lists of activities like the one above.

One thing I’ve noticed is that for once, I’m thriving in this stress. There’s so much to do and so many transitions and I’m 89 percent gleeful. That’s new for me.

Tonight is my first night in my very own apartment. Enchantment.

With love and solipsisim, Heidi

Remember how a few days ago I said I don’t like to read books more than once because I panic about wasting time? I must contradict myself. I’m on the train heading back to New York (sixth trip in two months) and I’ve just reread the “Heidi Chronicles”.

Maybe it doesn’t count because it’s not a book book, but a play book, so it’s a faster repeat. Maybe. Because Kim said I’ve always been Heidi and she’s always been Susan, I was desperate to find out who we are (in real life and in theater life).

Susan is “wild, practical, and fifty-percent rayon.”
Heidi is part of a “generation of disappointed women. Interesting, exemplary, even sexy, but basically unhappy. The ones who open doors usually are.”

So this is our destiny. Kim and I read a play in high school English class, way back in arts school; two girls with no idea that our lives would converge again, ten years later in New York. And she’s right. Maybe not exactly right. But the play is about dreams/settling, being unable to avoid idealism, more often than not feeling the disappointment of not having it all, and ultimately finding hope.

But here’s the clincher: Heidi ends up a single mother of an adopted baby and finds herself happy enough. I don’t think I’m ready to be situated between happy and unhappy just yet. (Entitled, yes, but don’t I get points for honesty?) Is happy enough the only choice in the end?

Wow, these train rides really bring out the nostalgia. I’m sitting in the quiet car (no cell phones, HOORAY!) and the rain-streaked windows mixed with pitch black scenery except for moments of street lights and smeared red car lights all equal an inevitable pensive mood. I’m thinking about that high school English class. Reading Equus, Beloved, Dante’s Inferno, The Iliad, Heidi Chronicles. What else? Plath. Our teacher loved Plath. We were a bunch of prematurely jaded kids with an enabling bohemian teacher. Makes me want to seek out all my old classmates who now live in New York and have a reunion.

I was a floater, friends with the artsy folk, the depressed druggies, the fringe of the fringe (Kim), the nerdy than the other nerds kids, the popular girls. Parts of me were all of them. And then other parts of me didn’t belong to any of them. Simultaneously, I had lots of friends and no friends at all. And now all these people are characters I carry with me, and some of them make it into my stories. Who else but a writer thinks that other people are there as extensions of themselves, their greatest benefit being that they can be subjects in fiction? A solipsist through and through.

My trip to see Kimberley was too short. I’ll see her again this Sunday when I go back to Boston to pick up Cornelius, my boxes, my sister, and my car. We’re driving a bunch of my things to my new apartment.

In two days, I move into my new place. “Don’t be scared. Don’t believe you’re all alone” just sang on my IPod. A good sign.

I don’t want to be a conductor, but I might not mind riding this train back and forth between Boston and New York regularly. My brain calms down and everything starts to take shape. I thought I would be afraid of being alone, but moments like these, I honestly love it.
The motion of the train = moving forward.
The four hours sitting in one place = opportunities for deep breaths.

Once again, we’ve arrived at New Haven.

Love,
Heidi

Song of the day: The Shoop Shoop Song (see “Heidi Chronicles” and Gili’s performances as Cher at Florida’s Sunfest Festival in 1991? and numerous family Bat-Mitzvahs including my own.)

Note to Riva: I figured out why we love Munro’s “Lives of Girls and Women” so much. It’s like reading a children’s/young adult book that’s written for adults. Do you know what I mean?

too much breathing

I just promised my mentor that I'll try to take 40 deep breaths each day. I think I may be shooting too high.

Train Ramblings

I’m on the train, heading back to Boston. I was on the phone until 2 in the morning with Riva. She was yelling at me about television. She wasn’t really yelling AT me. Just full of passion. That’s my Riva.

Listening to “Useless Desire” by Patty Griffin and revising my story. My last submission is in and my critique came back. I’m really going to miss working with my mentor but here’s where I’m supposed to say, “Every mentor will have a new and valuable perspective that I can learn from.” Now I just have to believe it.

I’m reading the Sunday Times, too. When I’m finished with a section, I pass it over to the fellow sitting across the aisle and he seems shocked by my willingness to share. At first he refused to take the paper, but I explained to him that I’m DONE with it; it’s okay.

We just arrived at Bridgeport, CT. Connecticut is really weird. I kind of think this country doesn’t need it. Maybe Connecticut should become its own kingdom, with a queen and with its own laws. Maybe the U.S. could strike a deal with Connecticut and make it the special kingdom where all chain stores are located. Starbucks, J. Crew, Banana Republic, and Walmart would have to close down all over the country and open up exclusively in CT. Maybe I’ll write to Bush and see what he thinks.

G-D, I love the train. I love the opportunity to get lost in thought, to spend three and a half hours alone with nothing to distract me from my writing and reading except the scenery. (Okay, that’s a little glorified considering all the cell phone use that I have to tune out by blasting my IPod.) But still, this is one of the prettiest rides. What does it do to my brain when the trees are orange and red? I’ve moved to a beautiful coast!

Speaking of cell phones, I think there should be a National It’s Against The Law To Use Cell Phones In Public Unless It’s An Emergency Day. Sure, people would lose money and valuable corporate time, but who cares? I don’t. Finally, peace and quiet. No, I don’t care what you did last night or what you’re going to do with a client’s stocks. I really don’t. Whatever happened to using your inside voice? My holiday could be called CRIMP-OD: Citizens Regaining Innocence from Mobile Phones Overuse Day.

I can’t wait to see Kimberley and Cornelius. I’ve been having such a good time staying at Kim’s, meeting people at my new job, and running around New York, but I don’t feel grounded. I won’t be moving into my place until next week (the ninth), so I’m still living the nomad’s life. But that’s going to be over soon. I have never lived alone and I’m really excited about having my own space to write, read, dance, scream, sing, walk around naked, make myself tea and coffee (maybe even crumpets. I’m not sure exactly what crumpets are, but it sounds like something a single woman would have with her tea and reading). I kid you not when I say that I’m also excited to have my own place so I can have a bowl of cereal in the morning. I haven’t been eating breakfast in New York and I miss my Heart to Heart. My health has been placed on the back burner (can one place health on a back burner?) and I’m ready to place it back in the deep fryer (how’s that for a misuse of an analogy?).

Last night, I feel in love on the subway. It’s so easy to fall in love with strangers, you know? I was heading back to Queens and there was this boy, drawing in his sketchpad. Things I liked about him:
1. Serious face
2. Pleasantly round with cute glasses
3. Sketching with intensity (His special drawing pens were bundled in a rubber band.)
4. Carrying an old school Nokia cell phone, just like mine. (Nobody has these in New York, so I’m authentically vintage and so was my subway amor.)
5. Unpretentious in dress and accessories (see number four).
I ripped out a page from my journal and wrote, “If you’re straight and single, call me. Why not?” Then I added my name and number. I was going to give it to him when I got off at my stop or slip it to him if he got off before me, but here’s where things went wrong: we got off at the same stop! How could I give it to him and make a getaway? So, I let him go. The note went in the trash. Still he’ll always have a place in my heart, my subway amor. I’m sure there will be others. My heart is a romantic one. A girl with dreams. Maybe I create the world around me that I want to believe in.

We’ve arrived in New Haven.

New York Songs of the Morning: “You Said Something” by PJ Harvey and “New York, New York,” by Ryan Adams

Mountain Dew = Drink of Death

Remember my Mountain Dew overdose? Click here to learn how much of the drink I would have to ingest to die.

According to this website, it would have taken me 179.93 cans of Mountain Dew to be killed.
This link also lists how much caffeine (of any kind) you need to drink in order to stop living. Thanks to Sara's blog, I'm now in the know about the dangers of caffeine. I think it's 90 cups of coffee that would finally do me in.

(Some of you may recall that I had hallucinations of bunnies trying to eat me and people climbing into my window during my Mountain Dew overdose. I haven't touched the stuff since the incident, which happened in college.)

More on New York soon.

*Song of the Day: Girlfriend in a Coma
*Book of the Day: Back In The World by (who else?) Tobias Wolff
*Horoscope of the Day: Rob Brezsny says, "Identify some aspect of your life you tend to regard as inadequate or insufficient, and redefine it to be an asset."
*Expression of the Day: "Cat Got Your Tongue," of which Kim and I have been trying to learn the origins, since we discovered that one of her cats has a tongue thrust.

The Reading Life

I love this comic from the perry bible fellowship (click to enlarge):



Sometimes, when I’m reading, I start to panic. I worry that I’m wasting time on a book that doesn’t deserve the small amount of time I have on this planet. It’s like finding a temporary lover and they’ve got to be good and interesting and exciting or it just ends up being a time-suck. I want to cherish every book I read and my patience is getting smaller. I used to insist on finishing every book I started (which came to a sudden halt after suffering through all of “Sons and Lovers”), but now, it’s 100 pages and then if I haven’t found redemption, I’m on to the next (unless it’s a school thing).

Today, I found out how attached I get to a good book. As I finished the last twenty pages of Tobias Wolff’s “Old School,” I actually had tears in my eyes and may have shed one or two. The ending wasn’t sad, but the fact that the book was coming to an end was tragic. I wanted at least 100 more pages. Tomorrow, I’m going to get another book by him. It’s like I’m going to have more Wolff on the rebound, after having a relationship with him (twice, since I read two different books and loved them both). The only flaw in the analogy is that I loved him, so why would I have broken up with him in order to now be in this rebound situation?

I’m also not a fan of reading books more than once. Passages, sure, but not full books. That’s another fear: That while I’m reviewing, I’m missing out on something new. Some people have a fear of missing out when it comes to socializing. Mine applies to reading.

New York: Day Two

While I was walking to get my TB test today near Christopher Street, I ran into the short-statured man from “Station Agent,” Peter Dinklage. I thought of saying something to him, but I’m too shy and I was star-struck, so I just looked the other way as we passed each other. I had just seen him on a PBS documentary when I was in Boston. On the documentary, his manager was talking about how women don’t feel comfortable saying he’s sexy because he’s a little person. I think he’s sexy. Kim thinks I should have told him. Next time.

Kim, Umber, and I went to see the remake of “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari” at The Pioneer Theater for Halloween. It was fabulously boring and I almost fell asleep more than once. That might have been because first we ate mussels, fancy mac n cheese, and drank a bottle of wine. Or maybe it was the chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting that I shoveled down during the film. I think polarchip would have really enjoyed seeing the movie, but I’m just not enough of an obscure movie buff. Plus, I know this film has all this historical weight, what with its not so obscure references to Germany being asleep while Hitler took control, but I’m not sure why they remade it. Still, it was my favorite Halloween ever, which isn’t really saying much since I usually hate Halloween.

Umber and I bonded over our Chorus Line obsession. She grew up watching the movie over and over too. She doesn’t share my attraction to Michael Douglas, but then, who does?

My favorite free New York activity (this also applies to other cities) is following random people around the city. I’ve been spending a lot of time chasing after strangers as they weave through the streets. This is a great way to get exercise and get my mind in a writer’s mood because I make up personal histories and like to guess about where people are headed. I’m not always right, and sometimes I lose track of folks before they reach their final destination, but it keeps me busy.

Tobias Wolff is once again one of my favorite authors. My semester is mostly over, but I hadn’t had enough of him, so I’m reading “Old School.” His style reminds me of a much better/refined version of my own.

Because my job won’t start for a few days, I might head back to Boston tomorrow after my TB test results. I want to see poor Cornelius (who is not happy about my absence) and my beloved sister, Kimberley (who is not happy about my absence, though I think she is probably not displaying her disappointment in the same ways as Corny).

The weather is gorgeous. The city is gorgeous. I love New York. Love it.

*New York song of the day (this is a new category): Alphabet Street by my fellow Minneapolisian, Prince

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

Okay, folks! I'm going to be working at the raddest nonprofit doing computer-type stuff! Starting tomorrow (maybe?) I'm going to be fully employed at Housing Works.

Here's their website for those who aren't familiar:
http://www.housingworks.org/

I'm really happy to be employed by such a great organization!

On a really sad note, a woman in my MFA program, who I didn't know, passed away this morning from chemo complications. Though I am not sure if I got the chance to meet her, her family is in my thoughts.

On another note, I'm hanging out in Queens with Kim and it's so cool that we're going to live near each other once again. She told me that I'm like Heidi from "The Heidi Chronicles" and she's like Susan. This doesn't mean anything to me since we haven't read this play since high school, but I'm still happy to be in a play with Kim, even if it's only in our imagination. So with my free-time (will I actually have any?) I'm going to refresh myself on that great play.

I already miss Kimberley so much! I know she's only four hours away, but Boston feels like another planet to me. I could not have been more supported or loved and I'm so glad we had the time together. She's a best friend to me. Hopefully, we'll see each other this coming weekend.

Finally, I love you all and will be more in touch now that the job thing is squared away. I'm off to eat lunch and write, write, write.

Supposedly We're In The Middle Of A Nor'Easter

The rain started last night. This might be my first experience with a nor’easter, although I remember being in Massachusetts at summer camp in the early 90s during Hurricane Bob. I don’t know if that was connected to a nor’easter. I’ve certainly had my share of hurricanes, what with growing up in Florida.

Previous to my last trip to New York (two days ago), I was suffering panic attacks and I entertained myself by reading this validating article on caffeine, my drug of choice.
http://www.benbest.com/health/caffeine.html

My favorite part was when they address anxiety head-on:
“There can be considerable individual variation in the response to caffeine. People with high anxiety tend to consume less caffeine. Those who report anxiety due to caffeine usually do not report heightened-alertness, and vice-versa. People who normally consume large amounts of caffeine report more positive mood changes compared to those who consume the caffeine only as part of an experiment. Extroverts show performance improvement with caffeine when doses are large, whereas introverts show performance impairments on large doses.”

I don’t know what the above paragraph means. None of their scientific explanations are spelled out. I mean, how do you know if you have "high anxiety" or what is a large/small caffeine intake? And who decides what makes a person an extrovert/introvert? It’s a mystery. All in all, I appreciate that whatever results I want to find, there’s a study that will prove my point. If I want coffee to be good for me, some scientist will agree it is.

I’m almost positive (99%) that I got the job. I’m really happy because it’s a good organization (read: not evil), I’ll still get to work with books, and I’m going to have good benefits. AND, it’s super closer to my new home. (According to my father, it’s .84 miles.) I don’t think it’s a great sign that I don’t understand if I’ve officially been given the job, but one step at a time.

To do before I leave for New York tomorrow night:
-Finish up most of my final submission work for the semester (I’m totally slacking on my work because I’m too hyped up from everything to settle down. But there’s the whole nor’easter thing, so I’m not leaving the house. Now would be a perfect time to work, if I could chill the heck out.)
-Make sure I have a place to stay
-Clip my fingernails
-Clean Cornelius’ litter box
-Try to stay calm
-A couple hours of belly dancing with Veena and Neena

Going to New York feels like I’m showing up really late to a party that I was supposed to attend years before. And I’ve finally picked out a good outfit, showered, and dressed. I’ll be arriving fashionably late, but hopefully the extra time has allowed me to better prepare for the fiesta.

Between where I’m living (East Village) and working (Soho), I feel like I’m reentering arts high school except on an enormous scale.

Moods are still all over the place. I suppose that will take time. Perhaps I will settle down when I turn 28 in six months? But if Saturn Return is going to hit me like another nor'easter, I'm in trouble. Although I'd like to believe that I started puberty early, so maybe I'm already in Saturn Return and it will end sooner for me.

I Think I Got The Job?!!!

I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I think I got the job. The people I interviewed with yesterday just called and left a message saying they were very impressed with me. They also sent me an email!

I need to call them back, but they need me to come in right away and I'm four hours away in Boston. (of course, they don't know I'm not in new york yet.) What the heck! I'm so overwhelmed. Plus, I am horribly behind on my school work. Oy Oy!

But I got the job...I mean, they didn't say that, but they want me to come in right away and I don't know why else I would have to come in.

Confusion! Excitement! More confusion!

Tell Me Everything I Need To Know

Please help!
I have a job interview on Thursday in New York (I can't say where because I don't want to jinx it) but I really need help with web stuff. If you know about the internet, please say so, and I will pick your brain. Please please please help.

Promises Made, Promises Broken

I promised myself I would read two hours of Cheever (and maybe finish him off) before internetting, but then, when have I ever followed though completely? Why be inconsistent now?

I feel like that emotional ESP us bloggers were having recently is back, but now it's related to having no time and tons to do and say. I've spent the past two days absorbed in my writing and I think I'm starting to notice some patterns I have when it comes to revision. I'm all about starting with a morsel, expanding to a point where I'm worried my stories are going to become novels, then contracting back to something close to the essence of the work.

My dreams have been vivid, which might be because I've had dairy (pizza) for the past couple of days. Usually I don't eat dairy. It's the only changed variable in my routine.

As I mentioned to a friend recently, I feel like moving to New York is asking to get a flogging. I mean, the west coast is such a leisurely life in so many ways. SF was about being coddled until I couldn't take it any more. The midwest was a year of living at a resort, where my obligations were few and the pressure of life was limited. But New York. New York is all about enjoying a good beating. I'm looking forward to it. (Not being sarcastic.)

I’ve started to think a lot about why I write. At first, I believed it had to do with my need to have a voice that’s my own in a world where there are so many voices. There’s something very colonizing about that. If I can have my say, then I’m alive. But then I started to think that the reason I write is because it’s much more gratifying than living. I’m not very good at being a person. I can fake it, but really, I don’t know how to do the things that people do. Or I feel awkward doing them. I’ve always felt like I’m on the outside, watching things happen but never being fully a part of them. But when I write, I have my own world that I’m fully included in and I have control over my characters (to some extent). It’s not that I always want to be in their world. It allows me to feel that all of my time spent observing the world around me without ever feeling like I’m completely in it is relevant and helpful in this one thing I do. I give myself permission to feel less troubled by my inability to fully be in the world because there’s another area of my life where I benefit from being on the outside.

Here's a favorite Cheever quote before heading off to bathe with my book... "Fifty percent of the people in the world are homesick all the time.... You don't really long for another country. You long for something in yourself that you don't have, or haven't been able to find."

Today I Performed A Mitzvah

1. You know how in health class or DARE class (you know, the drug prevention one that worked so well) there tends to be hand-outs with drawings in primary colors of little children helping old people across the street? I was just IN one of those drawings. I swear to you, I was walking home and this little old lady in a long blue coat with bright white hair asked me to help her cross the street. She had grocery bags and everything. I was smitten. I held her hand, which was my favotie part of the whole experience. She had soft, dry tiny hands. I was thinking about how once upon a time, this woman could have been a young hipster, too cool for school, and would never consider holding a stranger's hand. We started the long walk across the street to the bus stop. At one point I said, "Am I going too fast?" and she answered, "this is fine, just fine." I feel like I just crawled out of a Dick and Jane book. It was such a beautiful moment.

2. I've given up on the tranquil happiness thing. It's just not me.

3. I'm finally getting a lot of writing/revising going. Maybe it was too hard to buckle down while the seasons were still changing but now that it's undeniably fall, I feel a lot more settled in my work.

4. Today I signed the lease for real. It's happening.

5. Song right now: A Place Aside by Beth Orton

Sleepy Thoughts

Let’s face it, I’m never going to write that blog I promised from my trip to New York. I just am too tired and don’t feel like back-tracking.

So here’s what’s new since I’ve been back:

On the T there was a college-aged guy wearing a blogger t-shirt (it was blue with the website’s B logo in orange). I really wished I had a camera phone because he really embodied this whole site in my mind. He was dorky (reading what looked like a really nerdy book called Secret Parts of Fortune), with just a hint of coolness in his shaggy but groomed haircut. He had bad facial hair and no hair on his arms. I started wondering if it was a sign. Do I blog too much, am I turning into that much of a nerd, am I already that much of a nerd, does it matter? I wanted to go ask him if he worked for blogger and exchange blog addresses, but I also wanted to run in the opposite direction. All because of his t-shirt. And then I began thinking of other websites and wondering what people would look like if they were a website. What would hotmail look like or friendster or myspace or craigslist. I mean, we know what Craig from craigslist looks like, but he doesn’t really look like what I imagine the site would look like if it was a person. Do I look like a website? Which one? Etc.

New topic: Kimberley and Katherine (she’s also an Obie, which is weird. Is my whole world revolving around Oberlin suddenly?) baked me a surprise banana bread to celebrate my new home in New York. It was so sweet of them.

Today I talked to my friend, Kasey, who lives in Minneapolis, and it was so good to hear that he’s doing well and taking care of himself. I mean, I feel like he and I are both trying to learn to be alone (he also just got out of a four year relationship) and to do things that we love. The last time I talked to him, he wasn’t so hopeful and it’s nice to see him so actively involved in his art and to feel like he’s taking the reins of his life. It’s empowering to see other people working on making their lives better.

The hard thing is not letting go of the relationship. The hard thing is learning to be alone. On the train going to New York, I saw all these beautiful colors and trees and lakes and I realized that I can see them with my own eyes and absorb all of its essence and not ever share it with another person. These can be my own discoveries. I can read an amazing passage in a book and love it and I can choose to share it with another person or keep it as my own. I’m just so used to telling another person everything that happens in my life and in my brain that I’m kind of savoring all these private moments I get to have with myself. Do you know what I mean? It feels so new and good and sometimes it’s lonely but sometimes it’s just like reading under my comforter in the cold. I have no idea if that makes sense.

I walked outside this afternoon and there was another amazing package from Aimee. I loved the typed letter on the homemade paper, the homemade Cornelius toy, the paper cut-outs, the rock. It was perfect. (No surprise there.) I know you (Aimee) said you’re learning about receiving things without reciprocating and I think I do that too. I start to wonder about what I can give back right away. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I like the cycle, the exchange.

Tonight I went to Filene’s with Kimberley. They’ve been going out of business for months. I found this dress that’s long and dark brown (my favorite) and cotton and a little too big and has tiny straps. It’s like a long lightweight sundress. Originally it cost 56 dollars and the saleswoman sold it to me for 8 dollars because it was missing a sweater or something. I felt like she was giving me a present, just for taking it off her hands. I’m excited about lying around in it. I’m going to christen it my First New York Apartment Dress.

Today is my half birthday. Since I turned 27, so much has happened. Geographically, I've been to Minneapolis, Duluth, New York, Boston, Chicago, and back and forth between places a ridiculous amount of times. I've ended a relationship, lost a best friend, gained new friends, strengthened others, found a new home in New York, danced as hard as I could, read tons of books, written new work, applied to six billion jobs, and so much more. I can't believe how much has happened in six months. I'm curious (and a little frightened, but also excited) to see what the next six months will hold.

I’m still fighting this ridiculous cold (though it’s just lingering at this point) so I’m laying low tonight.